For centuries people have enjoyed the thrill of a good scary monster story. From guests entertained with Mary Shelley’s first telling of Frankenstein to a troop of Boy Scouts sitting around a campfire, people enjoy being scared by things that are not quite human. Now, with state-of-the-art special effects in movies, Hollywood can make these monsters even more real. With Super 8 coming out tomorrow, here’s to hoping the “monster” in that movie won’t be as ridiculous as these.
5. The Goblins From Troll 2
If you’ve seen Troll 2, then odds are you either left the theater outraged and demanded your money back, or you are an educated young professional with a sarcastic sense of humor who enjoys making fun of horrible movies. Troll 2 is so bad that it even inspired a documentary about just how bad the movie is. The movie follows a family who decides to vacation in some random small town in the middle of nowhere, only to discover that the town’s whole population is actually vegan goblins who want to turn the family into plants and eat them. (Despite the film’s title, there are exactly 0 trolls in the entire 94 minutes.) Apart from being the worst problem solvers in the history of problems, these goblinsalso look like they were made from paper-mache and old burlap sacks.
4. The Gremlins From Gremlins
A man walking through Chinatown, searching for the perfect Christmas present for his son stumbles upon a unique and adorable creature that he’s never seen before. However, when he asks to purchase it, the shop owner refuses to sell the “mogwai” to this cocky American, stating that it is far too much responsibility. Then, like any true American would, the man buys the damn thing anyhow, leaving the old man’s warning decidedly un-heeded. The rules of owning a mogwai are simple. Don’t expose it to sunlight, because that kills it. Don’t expose it to water, because that’s how it reproduces. Don’t let it eat after midnight (isn’t any time after midnight?), because that transforms it into a snarling/giggling reptilian mischief-maker. Of course, all of these rules are broken because real men don’t need instruction manuals. And soon an army of gremlins takes over the town and ruins Christmas. They then celebrate like any triumphant army would, by watching Snow White.
3. The Blob From The Blob
The 1958 original, starring Steve McQueen, chronicles the tale of a strange amorphous blob that crash lands in the forest from outer space. An old man is the first to come into contact with the blob, and, while scientifically studying it (poking it with a stick), is quickly attacked and consumed by this malicious mound of cherry jell-o. Silent and slow moving, the blob grows larger and larger as it consumes more and more people. The film ends with McQueen figuring out how to stop this gooey communism metaphor. Or so we think, as the period in “The End.” Morphs into a question mark…
2. The Gingerdead Man from The Gingerdead Man
Ever wonder what it would take to make a gingerbread man really come to life? Well, according to this film, the remains of a cremated serial murderer should be mixed into the ginger spice by a certified witch. Then a dash of human blood should be added to the recipe (health codes, shmealth codes). Finally an electrical surge to the oven while the cookie is being baked gives it that magic touch. Having been resurrected in cookie form, this serial killer (played by none other than Gary Busey) sets about taking revenge on the woman who testified against him.
1. The Monsturd from Monsturd
A serial killer with the FBI hot on his heels, is exposed to a chemical in a sewer that causes him to mutate into a creature made of poop. That’s right, poop. Who says there are no new ideas in Hollywood?
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