by Marshal M. Rosenthal

In a perfect world us guys would be the ones deciding what’s inside our house. We’d fill our place with the kind of stuff that would be fun to have around, not frilly, flowery stuff or any of that antique crap. Want some examples? Here is our top 5 for what we’d have if we were in charge, or at least had a say, in what was the home.

 5. Nintendo NES Controller Lamp

Remember back in the day when your reflexes were mad and you could blow up more aliens than any of your friends? So what that the NES controller had few buttons, that was all you needed. Now you can relive those memories every time you hit the light switch — and without having to worry about a “Start” button.

4. Bongzilla Beer Bong

You’re never going to get a stripper pole in your home, but since the Bongzilla Beer Bong stands at the top of a 6-foot pole, that’s close enough. Besides, it’s beer. Fill it up fast and get your crew drinking in a hurry because it might start leaking. The company says to use a plug if there are less than 6 people. We say, just double up on the tubes and down double the beer.

3. Big Mouth Toilet Mug

Coffee mugs that say “Love U” and “You Are Special” deserve to be at the bottom of a landfill. Show your independence, while still getting the caffeine you need, by attesting to the fact that “Yes, everything disgusting you’ve ever heard about a men’s bathroom is true.” Those getting too much flak can get the mug that comes with the gun handle.

2. Tombstone Hand Soap

Okay, your hands get dirty and you have to clean them. But not with some designer sweet-smelling soap on  a lace doily that looks like what your Mom put out for company. Wash your hands with a R.I.P. Tombstone bar instead.  Use it and laugh in the face of Death while still keeping the swine flu away. Trust us, what it smells like ain’t soap.

1. Nova Beer Tap and Cooler

Have your own draught beer supply in the kitchen? Like that could ever happen. But if you could plug this beer tap and cooler into an outlet, you’d be minutes away from drawing a long cool one without having to wave dollars at the bartender. And since it uses a beer keg from the liquor store, about the only problem you’ll have to deal with is keeping your hands from shaking with the excitement of setting it up.

Don’t let an hour-long swim interfere with your Spanish lesson tapes!

Oh, you sexy thing.

Marshal Rosenthal is a Los Angeles-based freelance writer specializing in technology, consumer electronics and pop culture. Visit his website.

Check out Marshal’s reviews of The Coolest Stuff from the 2013 Consumer Electronics Show or lust after the new Bentley Continental with us.