Nothing against tech advancements, but until we invent something, ANYTHING, to replace the god damn fax machine, I’m pretty sure our efforts towards the evolution of technology are veering in the wrong direction. Only when we no longer have to wait in line at a DMV run by high school dropouts, then perhaps the tech advancements currently being released won’t seem so unnecessary. Take a look at our list of recent releases that, while nice, are electronic devices we could certainly do without:
Unnecessary Old Video Games
ICADE iPad Arcade Cabinet
Let me get this straight: Not only do I have to buy the outer shell containing the control stick and arcade buttons, but I’ve also got to drop some dime on an iPad or iPad 2? Likewise, if I want to play a co-op game with a friend, we’ve BOTH gotta have this same set-up? No thanks, iCADE. I’d rather spend that money on an old Simpsons Arcade Game. Not only would it be cheaper and look cooler inside my apartment, but I wouldn’t have to lay on the floor to play it and totally blow any chance at getting laid with the girl I just invited over.
Impossible Office Equipment
VuPoint Magic Wand Portable Scanner
You know what magic trick I’d like to see? A scanner that can actually, accurately scan a piece of paper, and all its contents, on the first try. No matter how you line up the paper between the preset lines, every scanner the world abroad manages to bungle the job and make you look like a hack that doesn’t deserve the raise you just passive-aggressively asked for. So what makes you think your flabby arm and a magic wand will do any better (at the scan, not asking for the raise)? Until we can get our regular scanners to work perfectly, let’s not infuse them with Gob Bluth(Link to Arrested Development Clip).
Mishaps Waiting to Happen
Philips Norelco SensoTouch Electric Shaver
Shaving in the shower will only lead to troubles you couldn’t otherwise possibly imagine. Sure, it might seem like a great idea, to be able to trim the ol’ beard while bathing, thus saving time for the commute to work. But the time you’ll save is not worth the cost you’ll pay when you make the common mistake of shaving MORE than your face. Suddenly, you’ll emerge from the shower as if dressing up in a THX 1138 costume for Halloween. And in weeks, you’ll be a goddamn werewolf, doing back handsprings on top of a UPS truck like Michael J. Fox(YTM Michael J. Fox Link) in his prime.
Unnecessary New Video Games
Nintendo Wii U
Really?! Still no DVD or Blu-Ray capabilities? Have you not learned a damn thing from your failures of the past 15 years? Sure, the Wii might have been popular in 2006-2007, but once people got over the novelty of motion-based gaming, millions of Wii sat on the shelf, unused and collecting dust, while the Xboxes and Playstations of the land revitalized the way people thought about a single, solitary entertainment machine. Nintendo Wii U, allow me to introduce you to the Virtual Boy. You both are going to make excellent exhibits in the museum of forgotten toys.
It’s Still Not a Robot Butler
Until the day comes where a robot butler can wash my dishes or fill up my ice trays, devices like the LG RoboKing are just highly unnecessary. If I’m living on hardwood floors inside a tiny studio apartment, clearly the warzone going on in my kitchen is the bigger eyesore. That might take me hours to work through, whereas a quick sweeperoo of my 12 x 12 floor will take a matter of seconds. LG, consider your RoboKingdom overthrown, courtesy of the Dawn-deficient peasants currently living in the singles and studio apartments of the land!
Elijah Bates is a contributing writer to CBS Local
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