Everyone’s favorite insufferable superspy Archer returns to TV tomorrow night! And where there’s a talented jerk, there’s an even more talented woman who remembered to pack enough ammunition.
A man’s heart has only enough room for one cartoon crush at any given time*, and Lana Kane is ours. The mini-sweater-dressed duchess of destruction makes violent death an attractive proposition. Here are five reasons we wish we were animated enough to get close to her.
*Not entirely true, but more than one cartoon crush and the law requires you to tack anime posters to your ceiling. It would be irresponsible of us to advocate that kind of chastity.
1) She’s a real person with a sexy job.
All of the Archer characters are Atlanta-area residents caricatured by the animators. Somewhere in Hartstfield-Jackson Airport toils the hottest flight attendant ever, which sure is saying something. Let us take you away from this life of jet-setting drudgery and secretly being a spy, lovely lady of the sky.
2) She’s prone to gun battles in her lingerie.
The only thing hotter than a dame in lacy black underwear is one firing twin auto Tec-9s at our faceless foreign foes. YEAH! AMERICAAAAA! Say, beautiful agent of espionage and assassination, what’s that scent you’re wearing? An alluring mixture of Chanel, cordite, and the fear-sweat of enemies you’ve ripped apart with your bare (but giant) hands? You don’t say.
Note also that despite being a sexy cartoon, Miss Kane has more realistic proportions than the average Calvin Klein model. This is very important for our research in the fields of lusting after computer drawings and not becoming depressed about that. She might be a fantasy, but at least she’s a realistic fantasy. Yeah, that’s what we tell ourselves, as we lick Cheetos dust from our fingers and pray to the stars we don’t ever have to approach women in real life. There’s no justifying lust for a cartoon.
…but WHAT a cartoon!
3) She’s a lady.
Within that deadly debutante’s Truckasaurus wrists beats a girly pulse. She likes animals, true love, and wants to have a baby. Maybe yours! (You’re a daring secret agent, right? No? Well then your odds, like so much else about you, are short.) This combination of fury and femininity allows her to brawl with the best of ‘em, but unlike most combatants, turn the action into a tickle fight without making things extremely awkward.
4) She dates schlubs like us.
Sure, she’s just trying to prove to herself that she’s done with dashing dastards like Sterling Archer, but that means the nice guys get a chance with her…although it’s the chance to bore her with stir fry dinners and betray her in passive-aggressive affairs with the office bunny boiler. Lana, baby, ditch both the zero and the hero and get with…aw, rats, nothing rhymes with those except Nero.
5) She’s almost as alluring as the woman voicing her.
Sexy, smart, and steely though Lana may be, she’s no match for flesh-and-blood comedienne Aisha Tyler. You probably recognize her as being the only reason a man should watch The Talk. She’s so hot tachyons travel faster than light just to ogle her from both sides of the time stream.
She’s a deadly Halo player (and voice actress!), brews her own beer, and tells a better dirty joke than you. She hosts a podcast on such topics called Girl On Guy, which is a smart-missile to our lusty hearts. She also does a lot of charity work, meaning when not getting paid to save pretend lives, she’s saving actual lives for free. With all due respect, Ms. Tyler, how can you be so inconsiderate as to not have cloned an army of yourselves?
Brendan McGinley manages Man Cave Daily…but that’s just his cover identity.