Happy Birthday, David Lynch! The genius auteur turns 66 today, so I thought I’d shed light on one of the filmmaker’s greatest achievements: The Lynchian Leading Lady. You see, as big a fan as I am of Lynch’s oeuvre, I might be the first to admit that sometimes the dude goes off the deep end, leaving the audience confused, bewildered, and frazzled but dazzled. But through it all, one thing is for absolutely, positively certain: L.L. Cool D loves the ladies and the ladies in his films are every dude’s fantasy. How, you ask. Well, let’s take a look, shall we?

MGM

The Mystery Woman
Isabella Rossellini in Blue Velvet

This thriller blends a bit of film noir storytelling with a whole lotta S&M, and you won’t forget the sultry, tall, raven-haired Isabella Rossellini. And boy does Lynch put Rossellini through the ringer. He throws her around like a beanbag. It’s a wonder she still manages to capture your ever-shortening attention. Soft-spoken, soft-skinned, red-lipped and hard-hearted, Rossellini does to Blue Velvet what she was simultaneously doing to Lynch. The two became romantically involved for five years after meeting and casting her in short order.

Polygram

The Dangerous Woman
Laura Dern in Wild at Heart

The character’s name is Lula and she’s run away from her hard-ass mother to be with her boyfriend, Sailor. I mean, what do you expect from a woman named Lula? Laura Dern’s performance is so electrifying that at moments you forget that she is sharing the screen with Nicholas Cage. A blonde beauty of statuesque attributes, Dern gets down-and-dirty in this gritty romance/road film … and sometimes even downright nasty. And, MAN, is it ever sexy. Bang bang!

ABC

The Girl-Next-Door and The Girl with a Dirty Little Secret
Lara Flynn Boyle and Sherilynn Fenn in Twin Peaks

It’s a two-for-one special, guys. And I dare you to just keep your eyes on just one. Pick your Twin Peaks favorite. Lara Flynn Boyle is the sweet, smart, well-behaved straight-A student whom you’d be more than confident bringing home to Mom. And then you’ve got Sherilynn Fenn who even has her own entrance music in this fan-favorite TV show. Fenn’s seductive walk and calculated stare spells nothing but trouble. And have you noticed how these two ladies kind of look alike? Hmm, the Madonna and the whore, anybody? If you’re not yet a fan of this misunderstood TV gem, I will bet my entire DVD collection you will be now.

Universal

The Woman on the Verge of a Sexy Nervous Breakdown
Patricia Arquette in Lost Highway

Patricia Arquette, who made her screen debut in the first of the Nightmare on Elm Street franchise, portrays a young housewife in Lynch’s creepy cinematic classic. Strange, unbalanced and highly-strung, there is something undeniably sexy about Arquette’s character. And in classic Lynchian twist, she portrays two different women ….. OR ARE THEY?! Lynch allows us to revel in one of his many themes, women playing dual roles, giving us an entire film to admire Arquette.

Universal

A Saint on the Streets and a Sinner in the Sheets
Noami Watts in Mulholland Drive

In what is perhaps Lynch’s most popular film to date, Naomi Watts plays a young aspiring actress whose been given the chance of a lifetime. Except this is a David Lynch film folks, and as the plot (?) unfolds, we get to see Watts go from cheery-eyed and innocent to dangerous and downright sexy. There’s a bonus to Mulholland Drive and her name is Laura Harring who engages Watts in a little game of Kiss the Girl. There’s no denying that Watts is right at home in this strange but enigmatic gem of a film. She screams, cries, huffs, gyrates, and well, I can’t say more on this blog, until she becomes (surprise, surprise) someone else! I promise you you’ve never seen Watts more engaging, more entertaining, and more, well, (shhhh!) than in Lynch’s amazing film.