So you’ve decided to buy flowers for a pretty lady. Congratulations! You’re officially already that much closer to having a girlfriend-caliber dame right in your hands (instead of yourself), which is almost always a plus).
Now, those not in the know might think that buying flowers is some kind of antiquated act that doesn’t matter in our current century. But just because you’ve never done it doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be done; all it means is that you’ve been handling business wrong. Hitting up the florist is as effective now as it was the day God kicked Adam & Eve out of the Garden of Eden. You’re probably thinking, “But wasn’t Eve the one who messed it up for them?” EXACTLY! And you’re rebuilding it for her, one bouquet at a time.
Some say it’s not a science—au contraire, mon frère! It’s the most complex science there is: the science of understanding women. As a sample lesson, did you know that procuring blooms from an actual shop is a million times smarter than purchasing from a gas station? Likewise, it’s wise not to wait for special occasions or residency in the doghouse to do so. If these ideas took you by surprise, get with the program and follow our seven lucky suggestions for buying flowers.
$10 More Than Comfortable
When you go to a restaurant, you don’t freak about the tip, do you? Well…you shouldn’t. Other guys don’t. Similarly, next time you’re at the florist and you hit your price ceiling, toss in a little “tip” money and make a good bunch great. Sure, your girl will be happy enough without it. But the excitement she shows and the incentives that roll in later will be MORE than worth it. NOTE: you’ll elicit the same reaction if you steal the flowers from a nearby yard, but spending a few extra dollars will undoubtedly keep you and your neighbors in much nicer graces.
Prearranged? Try Not to…
Look, it’s not that prearranged packages are altogether bad. After all, the gesture’s what actually counts, and a well-picked bunch you didn’t really pick out is still kind of thoughtful. Sometimes, those flowers are the only option! If this is the case, there are two ways to handle it: you can rearrange the prearranged (“They didn’t seem right. This just felt better, ya know?”); or, you can supplement the prearranged (“I thought these really supplemented the arrangement well.”).
Roses are Red (Flags)
Roses…right. Because that won’t unlock a litany of repressed memories of all the idiots she dated before you now, will it? Seriously, a dozen red roses is about as clichéd as it gets, and while clichés aren’t always bad, there’s a simple remedy for injecting this initiative with a boost of good: if you must get her roses, double the dose to two dozen. Though that might seem like a bad idea from an outside perspective, at the very least, you’ll look twice as good as those other aforementioned idiots.
Tiger Lily: Queen of the Jungle
While roses are often lauded as the most popular of pedaled plants, who goes for a Hershey’s Kiss when there’s a Lindor Truffle on the table? Instead of relying on a boring old standard, try experimenting with the exotic. Not only do tiger lilies last, but they also actually continue evolving into a better plant, day-by-day (so long as they’re starting to open when you buy). And unlike their rosy cousins, they don’t look nearly as ugly or sad when they start to die.
A Tweet Fills a Business Card
When pulling your wallet out, be sure to ask for a card and one of those Cruella de Vil-esque holding sticks too. Then, pen a nice [short] note to attach. Writing may not even be your specialty, but the bouquet is already in your hands; and the thought is what really counts. Plus, since the open writing space is about as big as a business card, 140 characters are all that’s necessary (though filling out both sides won’t do you any harm). The only real rule? NO “ROSES ARE RED” poetry!
Go for the “GASP!” Factor
After you’ve written a card, all that’s left is to find a perfect situation to surprise her. More or less, you want to go for the “GASP!” Factor and place them in a location that provides a totally out-of-the-blue gasp of surprised excitement. Warning: be careful to avoid the CLASP Factor; delivering flowers in the wrong way can come across as scary, so avoid breaking into her car or hiding them in questionably uncomfortable locations around her house…unless she’s into that.
Chocolate Fixes Anything, Always
Surprise her with flowers? You’ll be treated like a prince. But throw in some chocolates too? Prepare to understand what God feels like on Sunday morning. Chocolate makes a good day great, bad moments better and transforms the worst grouch into a joyful person to be around. It’s the cacao cherry on your orchid sundae. In closing, a word to the wise: never marry a woman allergic to chocolate, for she will never, ever be happy.
Elijah Bates is a contributing writer for CBS Local.
Got another good tip when it comes to buying flowers? Did we leave out an idea absolutely worth mentioning? Then by golly, let us know in the comments below. CHEERS!