Smartphones are everywhere, these days. The iPhone sells in enormous numbers, and Google’s Android OS is taking over every corner of the Earth; it’s only a matter of time before they can monitor your sperm count. There are still those of us who insist on being a complete jackass when it comes to using them. This guide is for them.

If you’re too lazy to read all of this, just consider this rule: your smartphone is like your penis. You should never do anything with your smartphone that you wouldn’t do with your penis. In fact, as you’ll see, you should treat it exactly like your penis.

#1) Buy a Tasteful, Restrained Case

Just like you’d never go to the bar without some tasteful formal wear to protect your equipment later in the evening, your smartphone should never go anywhere without protection. These things cost a fortune and can only stand up to so much abuse. A case is a good, smart investment that will keep your phone functioning until next year, when it becomes an obsolete and useless piece of crap.

Now think, for a second, about how most people will react if you whip out something neon green and covered in flashing lights, or made to look like some natural material it blatantly isn’t, or can withstand use as a hockey puck, or has a phone on your phone so you can be on the phone while you’re on your phone. True, it’s neat that these cases can do these things, but buying them for daily use is kind of silly. Worse, talking about it incessantly is incredibly annoying and not remotely as impressive as you think it is.

And do you want people to think you’re unimpressive? In any respect?

#2) Don’t Pull It Out Constantly

As people who pull their equipment out in public soon learn, there’s rarely a good reason to produce a smartphone from your pocket without being asked, preferably by somebody attractive. Not that they can’t be useful, but nobody needs you to find walking directions to the next bar: they’ll walk until they find one. Thankfully, this offense isn’t punishable by being carted off to jail to share your pride with a guy named Bubba

To torture this smartphone/penis metaphor even more, smartphones at this point are so ubiquitous that just like your penis, about half the population has one, and nearly everybody has seen one. It’s not going to impress people that you have one; in fact, they’ll be more surprised if you don’t. Pulling it out isn’t going to wow anyone: nobody loves it as much as you do, and you’ll be deeply hurt to learn this is the case. So, spare yourself some disappointment: keep it in your pants.

#3) This Goes Double for Apps

Yes, there are some incredibly neat apps out there. But consider them to be like penis tattoos; you should only show them to the interested, you should consider each carefully before getting it, and only an entitled, lucky few are allowed to touch it.

#4) Don’t Compare Smartphones in Public

Some people own an iPhone. Some people own an Android. Some people own a BlackBerry; it’s OK to make fun of these people. What it’s not OK to do is to team up with somebody else who owns a smartphone and bore everyone else to death agreeing with them about how great it is, or arguing about how much better yours is.

Because, realistically speaking, even if you whip it out and compare the two, there’s no way to objectively prove one is better than the other. Everybody looks for different features. And there’s no way you’re going to be able to find anybody willing to test the two out for you…although if you do, maybe consider revising your plans that night.

#5) All That Said, Keep It Clean

It’s in your pants all day, knocking around with dust, lint, receipts and whatever the hell else you’ve crammed in there. So take the poor guy out and give him a cleaning occasionally. He does so much for you, it’s the least you can do for him.

Dan Seitz is the creative director at GammaSquad and the gadget guy at Guyism.