The Academy Awards are this weekend and because 90 percent of your friends and co-workers lack imagination, it’s going to be a hot-button topic at the water cooler. Don’t have time for the Oscars? It’s OK, you have a life to live and it’s your right as an American. Instead, here’s all you need to know to hold your own in conversation.
If you want to sound smart, talk about how great this movie is. It’s up for 10 Oscars (which is the equivalent of 16,000 dog Oscars) and it’s all pretentious people can talk about. Why? Because it’s a silent film! Remember those? From before fun was invented? They made another one of those!
Yeah, it’s sort of a gimmicky approach to getting nominated for Best Picture because everyone loves someone who’s different. In a way, it’s like “The Artist” is the Jeremy Lin of the Oscars. Don’t say this to anyone though, because they will immediately hate you.
To sound smart, say something like “What a great film. And once you’re in the theater, it’s no different than a movie with subtitles. Five minutes in, you start caring more about the story than how it’s told.” To sound dumb, say something like “A silent film? What’s next, bringing back blackface?” Then slink away as your peers’ gazes bore hatefully into your back.
This is also in the Best Picture Category, which is essentially the headlining draw of this fight card. The commercials for this billed it as a sort of fun film about a family man (George Clooney) interacting with his co-star (Hawaii). That’s about as accurate as calling “Schindler’s List” your favorite Pixar movie. This was a horribly depressing film and if anyone speaks positively about it, it’s because they didn’t see it, so call them out on their BS.
Best Actor: The French guy won it (the Illuminati already decided), so to sound interesting, complain that Brad Pitt didn’t win for “Moneyball.” Movie snobs always dismiss sports, so if you praise his performance, make sure to say something backhanded like “he was so good, he actually made me care about baseball!”
Best supporting Actor: Jonah Hill made the list for “Moneyball”, so the play here is just to wait for someone to make a cheap joke about his weight (“hey guys, Jonah Hill was twice the actor in 2011 that he is now, am I right?”) and then mock that person mercilessly. This allows you to escape without knowing anything about the rest of the contenders.
Any category that has females in it will give their award to someone from “The Help” so make sure people know you like it. Here’s a quick summary of the film: rich white people are mean to black people. Now, proclaim your love for it from the mountaintops.
Billy Crystal: He’s the host for the 43rd time because Eddie Murphy dropped out. No matter what Crystal does or how funny your grandma’s friend thinks he is, it can’t be better than what Murphy would’ve done. It’s the difference between going to an amusement park and putting your window down when you’re driving on the highway.