A weekly look at the dudes or dummies who are helping/hurting huMANity
MAN-UP to Justin Demars of Boston, MA: In this day of haves vs. have-nots, me vs. you and them vs. us, it’s refreshing to see a small form of generosity from someone in humanity. I just wish it was someone who was a little older or at least someone older who didn’t act like a 4-year-old (but enough about Congress).
Justin had a birthday on the horizon and rather than horde stuff for himself and fill up on enough cake to choke the nation’s hydrogenated oil supply, he went out and got people to give him gifts and money just so he could donate it all to a Shriners Hospital for Children. Oh and did we mention that he’s FIVE YEARS OLD? When I was 5-year-old, the most I gave to my fellow children was a half-finished juice box and, technically, chicken pox.
MAN-UP to bank robber Michael Mitchell of Louisville, KY: We know that giving a thumbs up to a bank robber sounds evil, unless it’s for reasons other than entertaining us by accidentally leaving his wallet at the scene or calling ahead to make sure that the money would be ready for you to pick up like it’s dry cleaning. Talk about laundering your money (shut up, you didn’t think of it).
This one, however, gets half a man-card for turning himself into the authorities after committing a bank robbery more than five years ago that he got away with scot-free. He wasn’t even a suspect in the investigation. The case went cold and unsolved until he picked up a pay phone and told police that he was the guy they were looking for after all this time. He even stayed by the phone after the officer on the other line asked him, “I’m going to have to pull the case…Can you hang out there by the McDonalds for a few minutes?” Hell, I think he’s got balls if he’s willing to hold that petri dish pay phone receiver next to any bodily orifice for more than five minutes.
MAN-DOWN to right-wing radio talker and human ham loaf Rush Limbaugh: If you don’t know where this one is going, then you’ve somehow managed to completely avoid ever hearing the name or knowing anything about Rush Limbaugh. We’re not judging you. We’ve very envious of you and hope you have extra room in the cave that you’re living in and that it has affordable Wi-Fi.
However, something much darker and more sinister lies in Rush’s over-the-top statements about Sandra Fluke being a “slut” and “prostitute” and requiring her to send him videos of her having sex in exchange for contraception. His statement made men everywhere imagine Rush Limbaugh looking at porn. Plus, we can’t think of a freer and more effective form of birth control for men and women than that.
MAN-UP to 8-year-old Colin Campbell of Pembroke, NH: Bravery comes in many different forms and even sizes: running into a huge burning building to save a neighbor’s beloved pet, running in front of a car to push a helpless old lady out of the way, breaking up with a bipolar supermodel.
Colin Campbell set a new standard for showing big bravery, even if you’re just a little guy. He was playing with a friend outside his very chilly home when his friend fell through some thin ice. He kept a cool head (no pun intended) and remembered that you’re not supposed to jump in after someone who has fallen through ice. Instead he ran to get help from his parents who called the paramedics and quite possibly saved the boy’s life. Can you give out man-cards to boys? This one deserves the kind of man-card that can get you into any strip club champagne room in America.
MAN-DOWN to former child actor turned Christy-guy Kirk Cameron: When CNN host Piers Morgan asked the former “Growning Pains” star how he felt about homosexuality and the idea of legal gay marriage, his answer probably won’t surprise you besides the fact that he’s being interviewed by the likes of a lousy journalist like Piers Morgan who would ask Idi Amin if he feels sad inside sometimes.
Cameron called homosexuality “unnatural” and “detrimental”. Words have meaning, Kirk. For instance, those are the same words that were used as critics’ blurbs on the cover of Busty Schoolgirls in Heat 4 and nobody I know thinks those were bad things.
Danny Gallagher is a freelance writer, reporter, humorist and souleater whose work has appeared in Cracked, Mental Floss, Playboy’s Smoking Jacket, Esquire.com and Spike.com. He can be found on the web at DannyGallagher.net, on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/#!/dannyboythezombie and on Twitter at @thisisdannyg.