St. Patrick’s Day is a holiday for amateurs and the best way to stand out is to up your game. Anyone can wear a green hat, drink a lot of booze and watch awkwardly tall anorexic girls dance like they are having epileptic seizures. But, only the master celebraters have the dedication to take things to the next level.
Everyone knows the common stereotypes, so how do you go deeper? Take a lesson in advanced stereotypes and take a cue from the Irish-American icons and those that loved them.
Don’t just be drunk, be a mean drunk. President Richard Nixon said Irish people don’t just get drunk, they get mean. “Virtually every Irish I’ve known gets mean when he drinks. Particularly the real Irish,” he said.
It’s not enough to get hammered and start singing songs. You’ve got to go to dark, dark places. It may help to bring a cheat sheet of racial slurs to the bar and a list of your friends’ weaknesses (remember fat people often have several layers of emotional fat you need to find a way through).
Vote illegally. One of the lesser known stereotypes is that the Irish were big on voting illegally. So, if you want to truly embrace St. Patrick’s Day, walk around the bar offering to buy votes. Or spend it helping illegal immigrants from Mexico (easiest illegals to find) buy social-security cards on the black market as long as they promise to vote in the next election.
Make reparations to some Indians. One of the greatest American presidents with Irish blood was Andrew Jackson. Jackson is known for many things but one of the biggest and least noble was removing Indians from their homelands, contributing to the deaths of thousands along the way. So, if you see some Native Americans at the bar, instead of drawing a chalk circle round their corner of the bar, buy their next drink and apologize for Old Hickory.
Jackson’s other dubious pursuits included dueling and cockfighting, so those are two more St. Patrick’s Day activities to consider. He also really, really hated the English, but that’s too predictable an activity for the likes of you.
Mass crawl. The Irish have reputations as drunkards, but they have an even bigger reputation as predominantly Catholic. Skip out on any pub crawls and opt for a Mass crawl instead. It’s free to attend Mass and if you live in a heavily populated area, you may be able to hit a mass at 7 a.m., 8 a.m., 9 a.m. and 10:30 a.m. You’ll be chasing shots of communion wine with a big glass of eternal salvation.
Save a life. Ronald Reagan was another great president with Irish blood coursing through his veins. Many people remember St. Ronny for different things but I think the most remarkable statistic in his life occurred well before his presidency. He was a lifeguard at a park in Illinois in his college years and saved 77 (?!) people from drowning. Do people in Illinois just throw babies into the lake there? Who are all these people who clearly can’t swim that love water too much to stay out of it?
Either way, saving a life will make you look more Irish. The end justifies the means, so if you have to put a life in peril just to then save it, well, you’re still a life-saver, and that’s what being Irish is all about.
Hate redheads. America takes a one-day hiatus on hating gingers on St. Patrick’s Day because we assume that’s an Irish thing. Did you know only 4 percent of Irish people are redheaded? And they hate them too! So while the amateurs treat redheads with respect on this day and this day only, act more Irish by continuing to treat them like the lower-class citizens they are.
Play basketball. The most recent American president with a trace of Irish blood in him is…Barack Obama? Yep, his great-great-great grandfather was Irish. Obama is big on pickup games of basketball, so shoot some hoops this St. Patrick’s Day to show that you know what it really means to be Irish. Nothing is more Irish than a mean crossover dribble mixed with an unstoppable fade-away.
Internalize your feelings. Irish people love being social and drinking but they never spout off about their feelings. They keep that stuff bottled up so deep that you will rarely know how they feel about anything until decades later. So feel free to excessively lash out at any overly dramatic bar Bridget who is crying because “Dylan hasn’t texted me back.” This one goes great with being a mean drunk!
Ruin the career of a Hall of Fame quarterback. Bridget Moynahan (can’t be her real name) was ranked by one website as one of the top five hottest women of Celtic origin. What is she known for, besides a few movies no one cares about? Ruining Tom Brady’s career. He hasn’t won a Superbowl since he stopped dating her, presumably since she cursed him. Or else he’s suffering withdrawal, and it’s Gisele who’s the curse. Just to be safe, since almost everyone hates the Patriots, follow in the lead of one of the hottest Celtic babes in the world, and ruin a great QB. Then hit the bars, like any true Irish person would on St. Patrick’s Day.