A weekly look at the dudes and dumbasses who are helping/hurting huMANity

MAN UP to the Urology Associates of Cape Cod in Sandwich, MA: Normally, we wouldn’t give a thumbs up to a doctor, let alone accept one from them for fear of where they plan to stick it. This one, however, deserves special mention (until we see the bill, of course).

These urologists have come up with a rather novel way to encourage guys to get a vasectomy: it comes, er, goes with a free pizza. And they make sure the office TV is playing March Madness games. For some reason, March is the peak month for patients getting vasectomies and the clinic thought offering a free pizza as a promotion would be a novel way of ensuring they have a good month. Plus, anyone who is willing to get their junk cut for a free slice needs to be taken out of the gene pool immediately.

MAN UP to the unidentified big brother in a game store somewhere in Anytown, U.S.A.: I didn’t have a big brother growing up because I WAS the big brother. The responsibility to stick up for my younger siblings could be, at times, unbearable. It was hard enough just trying to stick up for myself in this rotten world and it felt a little hypocritical to get on someone for picking on my brother and sister after all the years I spent picking on them.

Blogger Kristen Wolfe, who works at a video game retail store, saw an inspiring moment of an older brother sticking up for his kid bro for wanting to buy a copy of the game Mirror’s Edge and a purple controller to go with it. The boy’s father scolded him in the store for his choice of controller and a game with a female character on the cover instead of something with exploding heads and guns. The big brother stood up for his little buddy, a move that’s twice as ballsy when you have to stand up to your own dad to do it. That takes some serious guts. I’m sure it will take even more guts for the boys to relive that moment in therapy someday.

MAN DOWN to the organizers of the European Women’s Individual Chess Championship in Turkey: There is way too much corruption in professional sports, from the juicing in professional baseball to the “bounty incentives” in the National Football League. No one, however, has had to ground the cheerleaders for distracting the players with the bodies that the good Lord gave them. If they did, there would be crowds in the streets that could make the L.A. riots look like a flash mob.

For some reason, the European Women’s Individual Chess Championship did just that, except there are no cheerleaders (…yet, if our petition gets its way). The group instituted new rules that forbids female players from showing any cleavage during play and can’t have more than two buttons unfastened on their blouse. This rule would only make sense in a coed chess tournament. Guys can back me up on this: watching a woman hold a larger than average king piece can lead to unconsciousness. And besides, why ruin the one thing that might bring in some non-chess fans? Now the league will lose all of those potential chess lovers to the intellectual sport of foxy boxing.

MAN UP to Mayor Judith Flanagan Kennedy of Lynn, MA: One of our most cherished privileges as Americans is total and unhindered free expression (unless you’re expressing “Fire!” in a crowded theater. Then you don’t give anyone the option to reasonably disregard you). Anyway, for some reason, schools and colleges actually discourage this most American right on just about every level. Besides, how inflammatory could students get if they were allowed to freely finger paint whatever they wish?

One student was asked to cover up a T-shirt she wore that read, “All the cool girls are lesbians,” after administrators deemed it to be disruptive. The girl complied with the request but posted a letter on the Internet to offer her side of the story. The mayor got hold of the letter and publicly sided with the student. She also happened to be the Chair of the School Committee and ordered that she be able to wear the shirt. Putting aside the usual freedom of expression issues and level of enforcement schools should be allowed to have, what part of this shirt was controversial, since it happens to be true?

And finally…

MAN DOWN to the town of Eagle Rock, CA: The things a man does in his own home that doesn’t harm anyone else can’t be controlled by the government without just cause. That’s what we have Home Owners’ Association for.

One group singlehandedly shut down a cannabis club’s mobile pot store by citing everything from permit restrictions to licensing issues. Some members of the group admitted that they worked to shut down the club’s plans for a weedmobile because they know that their product is being “abused” by people without serious medical concerns. Note to HOAs: the only grass you should care about is the one that’s outside a man’s home. Even if some people aren’t using marijuana for medicinal reasons, why punish those who actually need it? That includes the pot smoker who can’t go on a pot and Funyun run on the same tank of gas.

Danny Gallagher is a freelance writer, reporter, humorist and pants inspector No. 2. He can be found on the web at www.dannygallagher.net or on Twitter @thisisdannyg.