This Sunday marks the return of AMC’s hit drama, Mad Men. The most remarkable thing about this show is that it makes work…seem cool. Don Draper is wheeling and dealing while drinking, smoking and tagging secretaries. He makes a boring office job seem amazing.
That’s why we decided to give you a few tips on how to make your work environment more like Mad Men!
Dress classy. The first thing you can do is clean up your wardrobe. Buy yourself a nice suit (shop Goodwill if you’re poor or really want a period piece, just make sure not to buy one someone died in) and a fedora. When some boring middle-ager who identifies as “the sassy one” in the office asks why you’re so dressed up, just say something vaguely business-related like, “it takes money to make money.”
You probably will be the only one in a suit, especially if you work at someplace like Best Buy or McDonald’s, but wouldn’t you love going to the McDonald’s where the cashier is wearing a suit and a fedora?
Drink heavily. Nothing is more badass than drinking an Olympic-size pool of scotch at work. That was probably the greatest thing about the 1960s. The second-greatest thing was the Civil Rights movement, probably. The point is that nothing will make you feel like you’re at a 1960s-era advertising firm like drinking on the job. You likely won’t be able to have bottles of whiskey around your desk, so find yourself a good flask and hit it early and often. It will make work go better and it will give you the attitude you need to close deals and pepper the office with witty quips. The business term for this is “moxie.”
You also need to start enjoying the three-martini lunch. If you brown bag it, just chase your string cheese with some shots of Patron.If anyone is hip to your drinking, they may think you have a problem. And you do. That problem is being too much of a badass.
Get a secretary. This is a major sign of power. If you don’t have one, just find a woman in the workplace on your level or below and only treat her like a secretary. Go up to her twice a day and say “any calls today, Doris? Did Mr. Hollis get back to me on that proposal?” When she looks at you quizzically, just be very condescending and turn to whomever you’re with and say “You see what I’m dealing with?” She will think you had a stroke. Everyone else will think you’re a business maven. That’s when you may want to duck.
Have a secret: Don Draper’s aura is only hindered by the secret he hides from the business world so you need to have something to hide as well. Or at least pretend you do. Just pick some occasionally-used office buzzword like “conference” or “efficiency” and whenever someone says it, act like you’ve seen a ghost. Start swallowing dramatically and start sweating and excuse yourself immediately.
Sexually harass everyone: Women’s rights weren’t invented until the pilot episode of Who’s the Boss? so Don Draper was free to hit on anything wearing a bra (cross-dressers weren’t invented until 1977). Everyone knew he had a wife yet every underling in the office was willing to sleep with him at the drop of his hat. This is the kind of moxie you need at work. According to the news, the government is currently working on repealing women’s rights, so this will soon become much easier for you. When it’s complete, feel free to grope and harass your way through the work week. The only rule in the work place is that you are God.
Cigarettes all the time: Besides drinking, the Mad Men do a lot of smoking. The problem is that smoking didn’t age as well as drinking in the cool hobby category. Easy solution: candy cigarettes. You should go through at least two packs a day and always enjoy one after every big decision. It will make you seem enigmatic and candy cigarettes are just an absolute delight.