Man Up/Man Down 3/30

Man Up/Man Down

We deserve this

A weekly look at the dudes and dumbasses who are helping/hurting huMANity

by Danny Gallagher

MAN UP to Illinois Gov. Pat Quinn: Illinois hasn’t had the most stellar record when it comes to their line of leadership. Four of their last eight governors, including the recently incarcerated Rod Blagojevich. With odds like that, the governorship should come with an ankle bracelet, a court-appointed attorney, and a bar of soap on a rope.

However, the most recent head office holder is off to a decent start, which for the likes of Illinois means not being indicted. He proved his toughness as a leader and a spicemaker by taking the famous “Cinnamon Challenge” on a Chicago radio show. In fact, he’s probably the first person on the Internet to actually PASS the “Cinnamon Challenge.” Tonsils and tastebuds like those should come in handy if he should ever find himself having to stomach the likes of prison food. We’re just playing the odds.

MAN UP to New York’s “One Lonely Guy”: It’s hard for women to know just how it feels to be a lonely guy. That’s because they spend so much time ignoring us, I mean, them. Yeah, them.

Jeff Ragsdale found himself in the city that never sleeps with no one by his side when he hits the hay after a rather nasty break-up and decided to seek a new love of his life in a rather novel way: outdoor advertising. He started posting flyers asking for someone to meet and the calls of interest having been pouring in from all over New York and around the world, totally 65,000 calls and messages. He’s even scored a very lucrative book deal out of the experience, which just hit the stands. And after all that, he hasn’t been able to settle down with the girl of his dreams. Seriously ladies, what does a guy have to do to convince you that he’s dateable? The only reason we don’t buy you the entire world on your first date is because we can’t find someone to gift wrap it.

MAN DOWN to Fox News’ Geraldo Rivera: The Trayvon Martin shooting has dominated the national press for a solid week and doesn’t seem to be letting up as details about the deceased teen and his shooter George Zimmerman crop up every other day. The press hasn’t been this interested in leaked news about a horrendous shooting since Monica Lewinski’s blue dress.

And somehow, the news media managed to ramp up the crazy or more like “crazy like a Fox News correspondent.” Geraldo Rivera made the insane assumption that he believes Trayvon was a target because “I think the hoodie is much response for Trayvon Martin’s death as George Zimmerman was.” He since apologized for the statement at the urging of his 32-year-old son who said he was ashamed of his father’s words for the first time, but he didn’t take back the assertion about the hooding by claiming that he was “trying to save lives.”

We’d like to return the favor. Geraldo, if you’re reading this, please shave off that giant hairy caterpillar on your face that you call a mustache before someone decides to attack you because they might think you’re Snidley Whiplash from “Dudley Do-Right”.

119860161 Man Up/Man Down 3/30

A young Bruce Willis ponders what this means for his career.

MAN UP to the scientists: Men have to deal with all sorts of untreatable maladies that women don’t and science has yet to crack: shorter life-spans, prostate problems, women.

One problem, however, could be very close to becoming a bigger thing of the past than a private sector pension. Scientists have found that the protein PGD2 may be responsible for causing male pattern baldness and a new experimental drug could regrow hair where there was once nary a hair there. Just think, we could eradicate baldness! Mankind would no longer have to apologize for blinding people with shiny scalps or making someone think that they were being mooned when two guys bend down to pick up something underneath a low-lying bar.

And finally…

MAN DOWN to the town of Coral Gables, FL: Florida may have to deal with insane laws like the “Shoot First” law or the “Cohabitation” law that prevents couples of any sexual preference from living together if they aren’t married. What’s next? A law requiring Floridans to marry their guns if they want to keep one in their house? I’d better not give them any more ideas.

The township of Coral Gables, however, has one of the most insane laws we’ve ever heard of and that includes the one about dogs not being allowed to sing at funerals of Ukrainian dignitaries. Apparently, the city has had an ordinance on the books that prevents residents from parking pick-up trucks outdoors, including private driveways that can carry fines that reach as high as $500 per violation. The city is rewriting the ordinance that has been enforced since the 1960s. I’m sure it’s being rewritten in crayon.

Danny Gallagher is a freelance writer, reporter, humorist and crayon taste tester. He can be found on the web at or on Twitter @thisisdannyg.

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