We all have problems. We all have those little questions in life that bug us. We all encounter things or events that, no matter how small or large, don’t make a lick of sense.

That’s what Yahoo! Answers is for.

Yahoo! Answers is a website dedicated to allowing absolutely anyone to have their question answered by absolutely anyone willing to supply an answer. The problem with Yahoo! Answers comes in with the “absolutely anyone willing to supply an answer” part, because it allows people like me to be just as much of a waste of time in a digital medium as we are in the real world. The other problem with Yahoo! Answers is the constant reminder of how many profoundly misinformed, or completely uninformed, people there are out there in the world.

So, really, Yahoo! Answers is just a warzone with bullets of stupidity flying at you from every direction. It’s actually pretty amazing that the site hasn’t collapsed under the weight of its own uselessness.

Today, I will attempt to charge head-on through the gore and viscera of the Yahoo! Answers warzone and attempt to give advice to those that sound like they need it the most.

May god have mercy on our souls.

Yahoo! Answers

Canada is a country just above America geographically, and very much below America culturally. I say this because it seems the further north you get on the large continent that is America (north, central, and south America) people get progressively nicer and take insults with a friendly, almost lobotomized ease. Conversely, people from the southern tip of Chile will stab you if the tone of your compliment is anything less than rabid, pharmaceutically-induced joy.

Canada’s major exports include comedic actors everybody wants to believe are actually American, winter sports that will become less and less relevant after global warming gives citizens of downtown Toronto lovely beach front property, and national flags featuring foliage.

If you would like to find out more about Canadians without having to leave the comfort of America, watch Alex Trebek politely and subtly mock the intelligence of contestants on Jeopardy! after they answer a question incorrectly.

Yahoo! Answers

One cannot expect there to be a universal anti-butt smell remover because, much like the common cold, there are just so many different strains of butt smell. Your husband’s butt smell isn’t the same as, say, your sister’s butt smell. Butt smells are also like finger prints in that they are unique and they make you throw out your ice cream cone if there are any traces of either.

Yahoo! Answers

Can you get pregnant from watching a health class video? No.

Can you get pregnant from being a participant in a live demonstration during health class? Yes.

Yahoo! Answers

No, you will not go to hell if you claim to be an atheist to get out of jury duty. But when you die, God will make you wait in a large room with dozens of other souls for a very long time, until you are asked a series of inane questions by a man in a suit. Soon after, you will be asked to leave for reasons you don’t understand but are thankful for. God works in mysterious ways. God also works as a small claims attorney. Bring a book.

Yahoo! Answers

It has been said that if someone loves you, they would take a bullet for you. So arm one of your friends with an airsoft gun that shoots plastic BBs and have them pretend to shoot you when you are out with the person whose love you are vying for. If they jump in front of the bullet, they love you. If they don’t, fake your death, get buried, and then claw your way out of the grave and never speak to that person again.

Luis Prada is a writer and editor at Holy Taco. His work can also be found on Cracked, FunnyCrave, The Smoking Jacket, and GuySpeed. If you visit his Tumblr page, The Devil Wears Me, he will give you a non-refundable virtual hug. (Subject to geographical limitations, like whether or not you’re near him.)