A weekly look at the dudes and dumbasses who are helping/hurting huMANity
MAN DOWN to the parents of Park Slope, New York: There are some joys that every child should be able to experience: opening presents on a cold Christmas morning, playing an endless game of Freeze Tag until their legs go numb, fighting for the front seat of the car with the threat of high caliber guns, if necessary.
One that no child should go without is the anticipation of the ice cream truck. Even if their parents don’t get them any pocket money to get a cold treat on a hot summer day, just the anticipation of hearing the jingly-jangling of the truck headed towards your block makes like worth living. However, some parents in Park Slope, New York want to take this precious commodity of childhood away from their little ones by urging a ban of the trucks in their neighborhood.
They claim that the mere presence of these treat trucks have driven children to throw massive temper tantrums and meltdowns because of their parents’ refusal to buy them something good to eat. So because a few parents have the patience of a coked-up ferret when their children act up, why should the rest of the children suffer along with them? It’s moments like that make me wish the voting age was lower so there would be a better chance of making bad parenting punishable by lethal injection.
MAN DOWN to “Batman”: That’s right, you read that correctly. We’re giving a big thumbs down to Batman. Don’t act surprised. You probably gave him more than that when you paid your last dime of plasma money to see “Batman & Robin.”
This “Batman,” however, did something even more egregious that let Joel Schumacher direct. In this case, he or his alter ego Christopher Schwartz posted a message on his Facebook page that said, “I demand payment of 1 million Dollars (sic) or I will Blow (sic) up the Hospital.” Police responded to the threat and found it was just all part of an elaborate April Fools’ Day joke. It should have been obvious to the police. Nothing says “Funnyhaha” like a crowd of wheelchair-bound triple bypass patients scurrying for the nearest exit in fear of their lives. I mean, it’s not Farrelly Brothers funny, but it’s certainly Fellini funny.
MAN UP to Kilo the Pit Bull: Dogs can do so many things for a guy. They can make a lonely man feel like the most loved being on Earth. They can make a very pretty woman pay more than five minutes of attention to a guy who they wouldn’t give a glass of water to if they were on fire. They can help guys who will never be able to have children the chance to name something bigger than a sea monkey.
The most impressive and heartwarming trait of these mutts of manhood are their dedication to their human owners. A pit bull in New York named Kilo made the most selfless decision we’ve ever seen any of God’s creatures make on either side of the food chain. A gunman tried to push his way into his owner’s apartment and the dog went for the gunman as he was being wedged in between a door. The gun went off and struck Kilo in the head just above his right eye. He was rushed to the vet and miraculously, Kilo survived. This already has the makings of a great movie, starring Chuck Norris as the dog that wouldn’t give up in All Dogs Go to Heaven 2: Send ‘Em Straight to Hell.
MAN UP to Brian Boyle of Boston, Mass.: Working at a place called “Man Cave Daily” implies that we don’t get off the couch very much or even outside for more than a second’s worth of sunshine. The truth is you’re absolutely right. We’re not even sure there’s still a sun outside or if the window we occasionally look through is really just our vertical high definition television.
Besides, even if we did have the energy and motivation to create an ounce more of energy in our muscles, there is no way we would be able to even come close to being as healthy and fit as this marathon runner. Brian Boyle, 26, participated in the annual running of the Boston Marathon. Sure completing your first 26-mile race might not sound that impressive to someone who doesn’t have a permanent butt imprint on one side of his couch, but he’s been out of commission for some time. In fact, just a few years ago, he was almost put out of commission permanently since he technically died EIGHT TIMES following a life-changing car accident. That’s ironic to us because if we tried to run a marathon, we’d be technically dead. So technically, sitting in our ass and playing “LA Noire” for the 20th time is really the best thing for our health, technically speaking technically.
Danny Gallagher is a freelance writer, reporter, humorist and long-distance jog…PHHHHHGHHGH, HA HA! Even I couldn’t keep a straight face through that one. He can be found on the web at www.dannygallagher.net or on Twitter @thisisdannyg.