Fake breasts – some men like them, others don’t. It’s a common question asked by guys when we’re around other guys. It’s a personal preference, so every guy is going to have a different answer. It’s subjective.
One aspect of breast implants that isn’t subjective is how they can save a woman’s life. Those saline balloons inside some woman’s chests are sturdy enough to deflect harm like Superman standing in front of a gangster unloading a Tommy gun on some children. It turns out fake boobs, love them or hate them, are far more powerful than you could have imagined. And if you’re like us, you imagine it quite a lot.
April Pinkard has led a very tough life. She was born prematurely, and as a result her left lung was underdeveloped, became diseased, and needed to be removed when she was only 4.
It’s perhaps too obvious to say, but all of our internal organs are in their specific spots for a reason. After April’s left lung was removed, it opened the gates to allow her heart to go wherever the hell it wanted to. And it did. Often. And not a breezy, metaphorical heart like Winona Ryder’s in Autumn in New York, but a deadly, literal heart like Winona Ryder’s in Autumn in New York.
April’s heart floated inside her body; she’d sometimes feel a heartbeat in the left side of her chest, other times she’d think she was a zombie because the heartbeat wasn’t there. She even had moments in which she felt her heart beating against her kidneys.
After paying a visit to her local pulmonologist, aka lung specialist, the doctor presumably held his stethoscope to her chest, unplugged the buds from his ears, wrapped the stethoscope around his neck, and said something to the effect of, “Well, ain’t that some $#!+?”
April was the first and only person in medical history to have a wandering heart. She was sent to the Mayo clinic in Jacksonville, Florida where she discovered that her condition was so rare there wasn’t even a name for it. The doctors, so baffled by April’s condition, needed to turn in to a bunch of surgical MacGyvers to keep her heart in one place.
During a 4 ½ hour surgery, the doctors found April’s heart tucked beneath her liver, on top of her spleen, on its side, and between two ribs. Her heart was like a kid hiding under his bed, trying to avoid his mom after a particularly bad report card. April’s heart could kick your ass at hide & seek.
When the surgeons finally found her heart, they touched it once and it stopped, thus proving that the board game Operation is at least partially based on real science. Not wanting to touch it again, the doctors filled her chest cavity with water and floated her heart back up to the surface and in to the spot it needed to be in. But now the real problem: what do they do to prevent this from happening again?
Breast implants, that’s how.
The doctors essentially used breast implants as a pillow fort, creating a sturdy yet soft box for April’s heart to be nestled within.
April continues to live a tough life. Her bones are brittle and she has heart problems, but at least now the heart stays in one place.
Implants Saved Woman’s Life In Car Crash
Sheyla Hershey is a model, an actress, and the former record holder for the world’s largest set of boobs.
Measuring in at an insane MMM, Sheyla had her record breaking implants removed in 2010 due to a life-threatening infection. After the infection cleared up, though, she again loaded her breasts up; this time to size 38KKK in November of 2011. Good thing, too; because if she hadn’t, there’s a good chance she’d be dead right now.
While on her way to visit family, Sheyla lost control of her car and slammed in to a tree. What’s worse, her air bag did not deploy. Under normal circumstances, Sheyla would have been dead, like so many others who have wrapped their car around a tree. But, lest we forget, Sheyla has some of the biggest boobs in the world.
So what if the air bags didn’t deploy? Shelya’s breasts assumed the role of an air bag and cushioned her as she slammed face-first in to the steering wheel.
When asked if her breasts did, in fact, save her life, Shelya said, “they definitely did because they’re very sore right now.”
Implant Saved Woman From Stabbing
If we learned anything from The Joker in The Dark Knight, it’s that crazy people would much rather use a knife. Knives are so much more personal. It’s the weapon of choice for people that describe their sexual arousal as a “murder boner.”
An unnamed woman from Brevard County, Florida in January of 2012 experienced that pain first hand when her ex-fiancé’s new girlfriend, Amy Winter, attacked her in a parking lot with a pocket knife. There isn’t much detail on why the attack occurred, but seeing as this was in Brevard County, Florida, we imagine Winter catching Ex-fiancée in her boyfriend’s trailer as they discussed the outcome of last Thursday’s Jello-O wrestling match at the local bar.
Furious over…something, Winter pulled out a pocket knife and slashed at Ex-fiancée’s car. Then, taking her display of anger several thousand steps too far, Winter stabbed Ex-fiancée in the left side of her chest several times. By now, you’ve read the title of this article, so you know what’s coming next: the Ex-fiancée had implants, uh, installed three-months prior to the stabbing. The knife punctured the implant, but didn’t break through the back wall of the implant.
Frank Filiberto, Ex-fiancée’s plastic surgeon, said, “When you stab [the implant], it gives a little. It probably gave and couldn’t get through it, then it went through it and couldn’t go through the back wall. She would have had a collapsed lung or (the knife would have) hit her heart.”
Ex-fiancée survived the stabbing, and the manufacturer of the implant covered the cost of the replacement; probably because this was the best advertising for their product they’d ever encountered other than when a Don Draper-esque advertising agent thought “They make bros like you more,” would be a great tagline for bus billboards.
Implant Stopped Bullet
If you’re perceptive, you’ll notice a pattern in these entries: they escalate. Floating heart, car accident, knife attack, and now…bullets.
Back in 2009, Lydia Carranza was working in a dentist’s office in Beverly Hills. It was an average day at the office, until a co-worker’s ex-husband charged in with a shotgun and fired at everyone in sight, killing his intended target, Mariela Paredes (his ex-wife) and wounding everyone else.
Lydia was shot once in the arm, and again in the chest. Still alive, she wanted to beg and plead that he let her live, but fearing the worst, Lydia remained quiet. An hour later, with Lydia still hanging on to life, the crazed ex-husband surrendered to police.
We wish we had a less fun photo to run with this entry.
The shotgun blast would have killed Lydia had it not been for her breast implant, according to her doctor, Ashkan Ghavami, who believes the implant stopped the bullet from entering her heart. Lydia’s implant turned her chest in to a bullet-proof vest. In a sense, Lydia was like Clint Eastwood at the end of A Fist Full Of Dollars, after the bad guy empties his gun in to his chest, only to watch The Man With No Name swipe back his poncho to reveal a metal plate that stopped the bullets.
If you ever run in to Lydia, give her a cigarillo to chomp on. She’s earned it.
Implant Saves Woman From Hezbollah Rocket Attack
So far, we’ve got knives and bullets on the list of weapons breast implants can stop. What else can there possibly be before we reach nuclear warheads?
During the 2006 Lebanon War (known as the Second Lebanon War in Israel), in which Hezbollah and Israeli military forces fought in northern Israel, Hezbollah forces fired rockets at northern border towns, killing many. One person they did not kill, however, was a 24-year old that was caught in the middle of one such rocket attack. The unnamed woman was immediately taken to Nahariya Hospital located in the town of Nahariya, which handled the largest number of casualties in Israel during the conflict — 1,872, including civilians and IDF soldiers.
The woman would have died had it not been for her breast implants, which caught and held the rocket shrapnel that fired out during the blast. “She was saved from death,” said a spokesman for Nahariya Hospital.
So the next time your girlfriend or wife asks you if you think she should get implants, just tell her, “Honey, get them if you feel you really, truly need them. But all I’m saying is, I’m a wimp, and if someone launches a rocket at us, I’m going to run, and those boobs might do a better job at playing hero than I could.”
Luis Prada is a writer and editor at Holy Taco. His work can also be found on Cracked, FunnyCrave,The Smoking Jacket, and GuySpeed. If you visit his Tumblr page, The Devil Wears Me, he will give you a non-refundable virtual hug.