Gentlemen, forgive me. We here at B.A.N.G. have gotten a bit ahead of ourselves, worrying whether cyborg snails with silence guns or revived mammoths surfing on killer waves will win the right to destroy all of humanity. In our observance of the many, many threats to our species’ survival, we’ve forgotten to point out the many tools available to us to use against the would-be exterminators of humanity. All is not lost! These devices may not be the Contra Spread Gun you envisioned having for Ragnarok, but you’ll have to get creative. Good luck, soldier.
The post-apocalyptic wasteland will be satisfying in at least one aspect: thousands upon thousands of cubicle-filled offices will be turned into flaming debris-filled war-zones (even if you don’t do it single-handedly)(NSFW). But when you’re being chased by a pack of cyborg werewolves and barricade the door with the water cooler, you’ll be ready for the biggest raid on the office supply closet in history. People have definitely made office weapons before, but Jorge Sprave (no doubt destined to be a mighty warchief in the future) takes everything one step further, as he is wont to do. Not mentioned in the article: making toxic hand grenades out of the leftover tupperware in the fridge.
“Agent Zero, you’ll need to take a large number of supplies with you on this mission. We have a backpack here with everything we think you’ll need.”
“Oh, thank you sir. But I think I can just fit everything in my trenchcoat, so I’m all good.”
“Agent Zero, there are only four pockets on that coat, and none of them are waterproof…or even have closures, for that matter.”
“Sir, with all due respect, I’ll be travelling by tube, and believe this will make me look like a total badass.”
“Very well. Permission granted, and you may also make sound effects as you whoosh around corners.”
No one said the future was going to be pretty. Contrary to whatever political preference you have for fossil fuels or wind and solar, you can bet that if we’re up against robots, they’ll have their grimy metal paws all over them. But now we’ve got a power source that they can’t have unless they pry it from our…actually let’s not use that phrase. But suffice to say that all those shiny clean robots are going to have to face the full power of our biological beings, and anytime they try to attack our power plants in the future…well we’ll probably point and laugh at them a lot. “Haha, the robots are attacking our toilets! Stupid robots!” Then we will shoot them with a giant office-supply-made slingshot.
When the power source hits the fan, you’ll need transportation. And so you might need this contraption…which can’t be flown…or transport anything (except helium)…Hmm. You uh…(What’s up with the music? Does 90′s trance music get brought back for the future?)…I guess you could…no. No there’s nothing you can really use this for, sorry. But it is kind of hypnotic…
…Sorry, what did you say? Oh right! Back to the column.
DO NOT UNDERESTIMATE THE SPIDERS UPDATE: Just in case any of you had let your guard down, thinking that the spiders would rest after annexing Australia into the Spider Kingdom: don’t even think about it. Because now at least one Golden Orb Spider has upgraded his lunch from “puny insects” to “animals that are used to catching things for lunch and not vice versa”. Seeing as how a mammoth spider had a bird for a snack a few years back, it’s safe to assume we’ll see a Goliath Birdeater or Giant Huntsman start in on a Kangaroo in no time, and after that it’s BABY BUFFET, people.
Dan Morgridge is pretty sure “PC LOAD LETTER” is the fax machine trying to say “Turn me into a rail gun.”