National Sky Awareness Week is April 22-28 and the whole objective is to get people to “go outside and look up at the clouds.” That’s a great plan if you’re trying to trick someone into walking on train tracks but if you don’t want to see innocent people punch their ticket I suggest you celebrate in a different way. By joining our War on the Sky!
America is engaged in more wars than any nation in the history of war. Outside of the wars our soliders fight in, we have the War on Drugs,, the War on Obesity, the War on Women, the War on Illiteracy and probably a few hundred more. Might as well throw in a War on the Sky, seeing as it does us more harm than any stoned, fat, dumb person ever has.
Let’s start with the obvious- the hundreds of tornadoes, blizzards and hurricanes the sky throws at our great nation every year. The sky just punishes us relentlessly and then has the gall to ask for us to bow down and worship it? When did the Sky turn into Old Testament God?
Then there’s Linka, probably the worst Planeteer from the Captain Planet cartoon. She controls the wind and oh, she’s also a Communist. She routinely turns down the romantic advances of the only American Planeteer, the short-tempered kid from Brooklyn who plays with fire (who could resist a winning combination like that?). Sorry, but the Sky’s reputation takes a big hit if there’s really a Ruskie pulling the strings.
Finally, perhaps the most important reason to take up arms against the Sky. It’s holding us back. For years, mankind has encouraged its offspring to follow their dreams with the mantra “the sky is the limit.” The Sky wants to keep us in check, hold us back from our true potential. Without the Sky, mankind is completely limitless.
OK, so you’re on board, now what? Great question. North Korea is currently leading the charge and is taking the fight to the Sky. Every few days, North Korea seems to be launching a missile that just explodes into the Sky. Yeah, it does nothing, but it’s the thought that counts when wagering a pointless war.
And perhaps the pointlessness of it is what should be our next course of action. The current protest that has the most popularity is Occupy Wall Street. That’s why I think it’s time to Occupy the Sky. If OWS has proven anything, it’s that you don’t need organization, a plan, goals, cohesion or even resolve to have an impact. You just have to be around.
So grab a kite, hijack the Goodyear Blimp, rent a hot air balloon and help Occupy the Sky. Have a friend who just hates clouds? Sign him up. Know a guy who thinks 9/11 was an inside job? Sure, bring him along too. No one will care about our movement until we clog the Sky with whatever nonsense we can conjure.
Or, maybe the best way to proceed is to poison the sky through pollution. The best part about this plan is that we’re doing it already. This plan turns our nation’s laziness into our greatest weapon against the Sky. And if there’s one thing I know about America, it’s that we can’t be stopped by anyone susceptible to weaponized laziness.
Let’s go with that plan. I’ll start by not coming up with a better ending to this article. Just carry on with your life, business as usual. But do so with the knowledge that you’re only living a normal life because you hate the Sky and refuse to let it win.