Gentlemen! A fine May Day to you. I come once again bearing News: per usual, it is of an Apocalyptic (and indeed, also Badass) nature. Today we must address some questions about aging. Some of my fellow agents of B.A.N.G. have raised some concerns to me regarding their own place in the future wars in light of being on the other side of youth’s embrace. Normally steel-willed men have admitted the short-comings of age in questions spoken with thin lips and a thousand-yard stare…

“When will Johnson finish that upgraded cane gun?”

“Do we think the “fast” zombies can outrun a motorized wheelchair?”

“Will my cataract surgery prohibit me from eventually getting laser eyes?”

Gentlemen, I write today’s column to assure you that this is all NONSENSE. Whether you are pushing 53 or 5,300 (you didn’t think Agent Otzi was dead, did you?) our roundup today shows off the many ways in which science will ensure we are all in tip-top shape to fight whatever young monster whippersnappers show up in the next century. Cue the Queen and let’s begin.

The Everyday Exoskeleton

If we were to report on every exoskeleton invented, we’d never cover anything else. But today’s entrant into a long line of people powerers is a breath of fresh air–quite literally. Made cheaper, and with simpler mechanics, this suit promises an affordable and easy-to-maintain solution to all of your cyborg fist-fight problems.

After you eat it, the bacteria in your gut form a FIFA team.

Buckyballs (no, not those) are pretty damn cool (yes, the other ones are too). But it wouldn’t really occur to us to eat them (either of them). Well, we tried to poison some mice by feeding them. And lo! they live twice as long. Nicely done, little guys! Maybe the same could work for us. In fact, maybe lots of our ideas about life-extending dietary habits could be questioned…

Gyros Adding Year-Os To Your Life

YESSSSSS. For everyone who’s been waiting for their heart-healthy steaks, they’re only a few more clones away. Little Peng Peng is adorable now, but hot damn, she’ll look even better as a plate of lamb shanks that lower my cholesterol. Now to just raise a cow with omega-3 fatty acids marbled into it’s fat and chicken wings with lipitor already inside! Oh Boy! Oberto Baconators for everyone!

Getting Frisky Inside Your Genes

Our victory over aging is not all fun and games, however–I would be remiss if I did not use this column to point out at least one terrible terror to watch for in the future. As such, even our nigh-immortal future selves must be prepared to fend off nefarious attacks at every turn. And while good health and robosuits can do much, there is a valuable part of ourselves we might never think to guard: our libido. Yes, we’ll be young and spry and buying nice cocktails for the beautiful gals at the bar while we’re all in our hundreds, but only if we ensure we’re not injected with reverse Nutty Professor juice. What good will eternal life do if you’re drugged into being Forever Alone?

Moving To A Nice New Neighborhood

But what about our planet itself? How long can the ozone layer, our trash problems, and the general arms race continue here on the third rock from the sun? Well, only as long as it takes us to get to the fourth. Billionaire investors are already looking into the potentially lucrative world of asteroid mining, with the secondary motive of bringing space travel that much closer to the masses. Once they do, people like Elon Musk have dreams of colonizing Mars–perhaps our refuge, someday, once the robots, dinosaurs and zombies conquer the remnants of Earth. There we can peacefully live out new, nearly immortal lives–just like the 50-foot tall spiders of Mars do. Oh. Oh God.

MEANWHILE, IN THE PRESENT: You can hack a computer, and you can hack a zombie, but you can’t hack a building. Well, wait, now you can. Specfically, to play Tetris. Well done lads, but would it have killed you to rig the fire alarms to play Korobeiniki? Well, okay, if there was a fire it might actually have killed you, but still. When we’ve got you on the front lines trying to deprogram a killer robot invasion, we’ll remember these carefree days wistfully…

Dan Morgridge dares to live forever, that’s who.