The Kentucky Derby is on the horizon, which means it’s time for the 1 percent to dust off their hats, put on their finest dresses and watch the midgets they hired to race on overpriced and obsolete animals. For the rest of us, it’s a day to gamble on something we don’t understand at all (like the stock market) and to pretend we like mint juleps. So, in honor of derby day, we compiled the top five sports for rich people.

They treat the horses better than the jockeys.

Horse Racing. It’s called The Sport of Kings for a reason. That reason is because only a king used to be able to afford to participate in a “sport” that is basically elves riding on beasts. The best guideline to tell if it’s a sport for rich people is to ask “can we play a pickup game of this sport?” Little kids in Africa can kick around a soccer ball made of socks and bubble gum but they can’t exactly jump on some horses and race each other.

This is how powerful horse racing is: for one day every year, it makes Kentucky look like the height of nobility.

Any sport where you can win $100,000,000 in prize money is a rich man’s game.

NASCAR. “Redneck Racing” is basically the evolution of horse racing. The only reason we have horses anymore is because rich people like them and because we need them to make Civil War movies. While the clientele might be a bit different, it doesn’t change the fact that the practitioners are still the ones with the money. Again, kids can’t just go outside and play with racecars. They try, but it’s not the same when it’s a pair of Pizza Hut employees pretending to be Too Fast and Too Furious in their Toyota Corollas.

Where is your unpredictable rage NOW, sea?

Yacht Racing. Why do rich people like obsolete forms of racing so much? I imagine it’s because rich people love boring stuff and this pretty much takes the cake. There’s nothing less exciting than because there’s nothing more boring than a big ship trying to go fast unless it ends up like the Titanic. There’s a reason you don’t see highlights from the America’s Cup on SportsCenter.

Cujo? Why, he’s harmless unless he’s awake.

Dog Fighting. A big hit among crime syndicates in Russia and Italy and among several rappers and professional athletes in the U.S., dogfighting is not a sport for the poor. Mainly because it’s illegal as hell. It takes money and a desire to ignore laws with reckless abandon, which is something celebrities have in spades. Most celebrities, however, aren’t monsters. But it does answer the age-old question “what sport is right for me if I want to show people I have money but I don’t understand horse racing and organizing bum fights makes me sad?”

Rich people throw out a tee every time they use it. Or…does everybody do that? We’re not allowed in country clubs.

Golf. I was going to go with rowing for the last one, but we get it, rich people like pretentious forms of racing. Golf is the preferred pastime for the rich because of its exclusivity. Yeah, plenty of people play it, but most of us have to play public courses where “beautifully maintained sand traps” are “a patch of gravel next to some overgrown bushes.” The best courses are reserved for members only (or men only, in the case of Augusta) and it’s the only sport you can play and feel really rich at the same time. It’s hard not to feel great when you hire a poor kid to carry your clubs and drive you around the course all day.  Exclusive? Check. Pretentious? In the right circumstances, check. Slaves? Check.

What more could a rich person want?

Mark Chalifoux is a comedian and writer in NYC. He’s a regular contributor to Man Cave Daily and you can catch him live May 5 at the Laughing Devil Comedy Club in NYC.