Some products share disturbing similarities in naming. For example, most Android phones sound like condoms, and most SUVs sound like terrible bars in the suburbs. Do you drive your Enclave to the Enclave?

But nowhere is this more troubling than Beanie Babies…and strippers. So we looked at the most stripperiffic Beanies, to see who deserved the name more.

A brief note: we’re exempting any Beanies named after states because, let’s face it, there’s a stripper named after every state in the Union. In fact, there’s probably a States of the Union show at your nearest Diamond Fantasies featuring Florida, Alabama, Montana, and California, with a special guest appearance from Vermont and Nebraska doing their patented erotic pudding wrestling routine.

Juggles
We’ll be honest, we really want this one to be a stripper, because the alternative is a “bear clown”. Can you think of something more horrific that if bears and clowns were allowed to breed?  We can’t, but we’ve been up all night in a room we boarded from the insight, hearing the roars and tinkling music of the swarms of bearclowns. OH GOD THE BEARCLOWNS.

That’s a lot of stocking

Hollydays
Yeah, you read that and immediately imagined a woman in red lingerie with white fur trim. Sadly, we haven’t found any video to back up this glorious mental image, but we will keep searching. Feverishly. And a little sweatily.

Coco Presley
Not just a stripper, but a talented stripper, with a line of videos and a body massage oil and a private showing area that’ll cost you $100, $90 if you buy a $100 bottle of “Brute”.

Mystic
Come on, Ty, strippers have had Mystic cornered for years.

Cand-e
Honestly, seeing names like this makes us wonder just how many strip clubs are near Ty’s headquarters.

…Ten within driving distance, according to Strip Clubs Locator. Something tells us the naming guys at Ty are particularly fond of Uncle Paulie’s. It’s just a guess.

Divalectable
This one is probably on the sign in front of Uncle Paulie’s.

Let’s see a Beanie Baby do this! …actually, nah, that would be creepy

Junglelove
OK, first of all, naming a monkey “Junglelove” is kind of iffy, Ty. Secondly, that is a Morris Day and the Time song, and we all know how much strippers love to name themselves after songs that never should have escaped from the ’80s.

#1 Bear
While you’d be forgiven for thinking that’s the handle of a fat hairy gay male stripper, and sounding similar to Bear Force One, we’re giving this one to the Beanies. Only weirdoes and people a little too familiar with gay subculture terminology would think this. Now where my otters at?

Nipponia
Nah, too easy.

Patty O’Lucky
We really don’t want to meet the stripper whose name sounds like “Patio Lucky”. Is that where you get a quick sexual favor out back on on the concrete loading dock from somebody who later turns out to be the janitor in drag?

Because if not, we’re totally putting that on Urban Dictionary.

…Marry us, Merrybelle

Merrybelle
This is actually a name from the local burlesque troupe, which is disappointingly mostly unattractive skinny women who can’t dance in skimpy outfits, who when you try to just compliment them on the show and leave will trap you there for half an hour to talk about how they’re paving the way for fat acceptance. Meanwhile, the one fat girl in the troupe is sitting by the door, hoping somebody will talk to her.

Bijoux
We’re torn, because this one is a little too literary for a stripper, yet we seriously doubt most Beanie Baby collectors care to acknowledge the existence of France. Ultimately, we give this one to the strippers, because we want to see Bijou Phillips naked.

No, like, every day.

Demure
If we’re going by the actual name, that’s totally one for the Beanies. But we’re not sure strippers

To be honest, we’ve forgotten all about the stuffed animals

Alani

The July 2004 Beanie of the Month, but let’s face it, if a woman tells you her name is Alani, you either imagine her on a pole, or ask her if that’s the plural for Alan Thicke.

Lani
“Hey, are you Alani’s sister?  Do you guys do shows together?  That’d be hot.”

D’Vine
Supposedly the name of a monkey, but we all know this is another Uncle Paulie’s special.

Cherry Ice
You just know she’s got a routine Tuesdays at 9am, scored to Vanilla Ice’s seminal hit, that the DJ introduces with “Aaaaaaand now for some Cherry Ice, ice, baby!”

Spangle
Yeah, this is a name you see on a broken marquee out by the airport.

Bam The Ram
We’re making an exception for this one, because it doesn’t sound like a stripper. It sounds like an act a stripper does, probably to the tune of the Ram Jam classic “Black Betty”.

See, if this were a stripper instead of a cute, sweet, innocent Beanie Baby that has nothing to do with such matters, these lipstick marks would be incriminating. But it’s not, so it isn’t, so please don’t sue, Ty

Kissy
The Beanies can have this one. A stripper calling herself Kissy isn’t even trying.

Swinger
…Really, Ty?  Really?  This is from their current series of Beanie Babies. You can go out and buy your very own Swinger monkey. Come on. Nobody is this naive. Especially working that close to Uncle Paulie’s.

Aging well is a young man’s game

Dan Seitz is the creative director at GammaSquad and the gadget guy at Guyism.

Dan recently taught you how to decorate your apartment like an adult and drink decent beer. –>