It’s Mother’s Day, boys, which means it’s our turn to show a little love to the women who raised us. If you’re out there and somehow stumped on what to do to show that love, we’ve whipped up a short list of acts that would legitimately stun her and make her day more than just a simple phone call.

Watch a Real Housewives of Whatever marathon with her.

95% of moms in America watch at least one of these shows, and they’re on pretty frequently if you get cable, or just the Bravo channel. It shouldn’t be that hard to schedule something. This sounds like a chore on par with hitting up a retirement hospital and picking a linen to change, but its actually not. Remember the old saying about housewife-based reality shows: they’re like crack for the soul.

This sounds silly, but it’s not. If it’s something she truly enjoys, who cares? Sure, there’s probably more poetry and nobility in doing something like helping her feed the homeless at the local shelter. But how many people actually do that? Anybody who thinks that loving mom means impressing other people has problems. Break out the wine and cheese and watch some housewives tear each other’s extensions out.

Real men plant pansies.

Plant Her Some Flowers

Sending mom flowers is always a nice, classy gesture, and if that’s your go-to Mother’s Day move, we commend you. But planting her some flowers is like putting icing on the cake, and then putting a $100 bill on the icing, then folding that $100 bill into an origami swan, and then covering the whole cake with magic fairy dust. There’s something about women and pretty stuff that grows in the ground, and we dare not question it.

Cook for Her

Nothing means flipping the script like making a gourmet meal for mom. And we don’t mean throwing a pizza in the oven, either. That’s not cooking, that’s putting a pizza in the oven. “Cooking” indirectly means “getting your hands dirty”. This means chopping, flaying, cleaning, kneading, and basting. She won’t care if it’s not perfect. It’s the thought, and the possibility of personal injury, that count.

But seriously: you need to see these hot chefs.

If you don’t know what to make, watch one of the cooking shows she probably watches and figure something out. Rachael Ray. Giada De Laurentiis. Nadia G—there are literally oodles of mom-friendly cooking personalities to pick from. Aaaaand they’re almost all really hot, like a lot of professional chefs. Two birds, one stone?

Clean Her House

Imagine you’re her cleaning lady and a bad job means criminal deportation to Australia (we like the old-timey stereotypes). Don’t just stop after vacuuming the living room and dust your hands. You’re not seven years old being ordered to do chores. Make a simple check-list and make sure the words “scrubbing”, “disinfectant”, “bleach”, and “dusting” show up in one way or another and include every room in the house.

You might want to wait until she’s actually out of the house for this one and make it a pseudo-surprise. If she’s around when you’re cleaning her house, you probably won’t be able to concentrate on cleaning over the sound of her passive-aggressive voice telling you how you’re “Doing a good job honey! But you need a soft cloth for that. Here, let me show you…”

Agree With Her on Something Important 

Equally important to doing something kind for mom is maintaining a connection to her on an emotional and intellectual level. Whenever you spend time with her, odds are that she does most of the talking while you mostly nod, smile, and keep your cards close to your chest as far as important issues are concerned for the sake of harmony.

Which would make it all the more fulfilling and joyful when you do open up at length about an important opinion you two share and agree with her on it.

Examples include:

“I agree, mom, we don’t spend enough time together.”

“You’re right, she is too young to get married.” (Real Housewives of Whatever)

“You’re right, they shouldn’t have let her come back on the show.” (again)

“Yeah, she is kind of a b**** when you think about it.” (multiple implications)

“You know what? It is high time I settled down.”

“I guess when you put it that way, I do have a drinking problem.”

Maybe we’ll switch over to light beer.

Tell Her You Love Her

Of course, all of these are ways of letting her know how much you appreciate everything she’s done for you, and how much you would do for her. So don’t forget to put it in plain words.

With much love to all the mothers out there, Happy Mother’s Day!

Hemera/Thinkstock

Will Kriegshauser is a writer whose mom and editors are proud of him. You can find more of his work on The Smoking Jacket, FunnyCrave, Cracked, or just reach him at will.kriegshauser@gmail.com.

He also told you how to avoid looking like a momma’s boy with Badass Looks That Don’t Actually Make You Look Badass.  –>