Gentlemen, a fine belated May Day to you. As B.A.N.G. headquarters is located in a remote facility somewhere within 12,500 miles of Chicago, we are happy to celebrate a belated International Worker’s Day…HUMAN workers, that is.
The Haymarket Riot was an event created from brutal working conditions that ultimately had to be addressed in the wake of such violence. While we have since made great strides through peaceful demonstrations and union labor, there is one part of labor rights we can’t fix with democracy – ROBOT OVERLORDS. But don’t think for a second that Master Mold is going to just show up one day and kindly ask for the keys to the economy. No friends, there will be sleeper agents, sent ahead to calm, placate, and ultimately fatten us up for the slaughter.
Our first nefarious foe strikes us at one of the most natural pleasures we have left in this world – dear, dear beer. Sure, the giant mash tuns look like robots, but that’s no reason to turn them into robots. And frankly, this little guy only has two beers on tap. And his pour is 90% foam! The robots can’t even get intoxification right! Kegdroid could have been a mighty beer-dispensing foe, but luckily, surly dudes with lots of tattoos are still superior to robots in this category. But on the other hand, this robot could spell a much greater doom…
I mean, sure, why not. It’s basically a shiatsu massager for the head, right? We can let this slide…(glances at pictures) WHOA! Oh no no no no. That is definitely totally a brain removal chamber. Like, your wife/mom/sister/daughter is going to go get her highlights touched up and wham! android. And if it’s your special ladyfriend who’s being turned into a Stepford Wife, you realize what will have happened, right? You’ll have been tricked into having sex with a robot. And then it’s only a matter of time before robo-strippers are acceptable! And we’re not even sure if they’d be dangerous, but… damn, do they weird us out.
This is a robot that helps you use a different machine. It’s not even a robot cook, it just operates your microwave for you. Our theory at headquarters is that the robots have sent HERB to test humanity for a different type of takeover – one in which they don’t even have to rise up in sentient attack at all, but just keep creating robots-that-operate-the-previous-robot until we turn into puddles of goo. Then again, they’ve been doing pretty well at that already.
Well, friends, once again, Japan is…Japan. Since we’re dealing with more and more long-distance communications between loved ones, it’s only natural we want to be near to them, to touch them, to hold them. But for goodness sakes people, that is definitely a robot in your arms. Well, a robo-pillow with a tail and a heartbeat, anyways. Have none of you seen Existenz, or any David Kronenberg movie? CREEPY SQUISHY THINGS ARE CREEPY. Splurge on the damn plane ticket and quit fetishizing Casper-bot.
OH COME F*&$ING ON. Are you getting IMPATIENT for the apocalypse or something? MIT, you are assembling the Miami Heat of evil. Of course, we have reasons to believe MIT is under robot control already…
HOW TO DO IT RIGHT: Instead of the robots assimilating us, we still live in a time when we can assimilate them. This firefighter is not only a red-blooded American hero, but is now rocking a robotic arm and making it do whatever his fleshy non-metal brain commands it to. Fight on, Tim Larson!
Dan Morgridge leaves his apartment by staring at his computer, pointing his pointer and ring fingers at his eyes, and then pointing them at the computer.