I’m the latter.
Awhile back we found (and solved!) the five dumbest questions on Yahoo! Answers–no easy task to judge. And then Yahoo! Answers said, “Oh yeah? We can do worse!” and upped the ante… Oh, Yahoo! Answers! What wonders you store within your green and white walls! Of course, the word “wonder” is subjective. One man’s wonder is another man’s vast amount of stupid dumb idiots that are stupid and dumb because they’re looking for answers to some really common sense questions. God! Some wonders are just so infuriatingly stupid! I’m the latter.
Sin. Lots and lots of sin.
From about 6 PM to Midnight on any given day in Vegas: Overweight white people from the Bible Belt pretend they’re either Frank Sinatra or Elvis as they play penny slots and take in some Cirque du Soleil while drunk college kids wearing expensive button-up shirts and sandals from Kmart continuously yell about how much their lives are like the movie The Hangover. Midnight to 6 AM: The same thing, now with violent fits of vomiting.
Not if you manage to hit something.
They say if you really love something, you must let it go, and if it loves you it will return. So first you must love your boomerang before you release it unto the world. Every day, tell your boomerang that your life is incomplete without it. Look deeply in to its wood grain or the logo of the novelty toy company that produced it and tell it it is the reason you live. Then, fling your boomerang away. Your boomerang will wander at first, lost without you, thinking it can survive on its own when it is clearly one half of a whole. Your boomerang will meet new people in an attempt to get over you, but it’ll never be quite the same; it’ll never be quite as happy as when it’s in your hands, or tucked in your trunk and only pulled out during annual beach trips. After a while, your boomerang will think it has found happiness with a man it met in a dive bar named Allen. (Allen’s the guy, not the dive bar). Things will go well for a time, and the subject of marriage will be discussed between Allen and your boomerang every so often, but sadly, all will fall apart when the boomerang finds a photo of a provocatively posed Frisbee on Allen’s phone. An argument will ensue and tears will be shed. After a series of lonely nights, your boomerang will realize the mistake it made so long ago; the boomerang will realize where it all went wrong. In that time, you will have established a loving yet passionless relationship with a Nerf football. You were originally taken in by the alluring whistling sound it made as its aerodynamic shape and extended foam tail make it sail so far that for a moment you thought you had a realistic shot at one day becoming an NFL quarterback. Just as you feel your interest in the football wane, you will receive a knock at your door, and when you open that door you will be greeted with a vision of true happiness – your boomerang. So, yes, boomerangs do come back to you after you release them. Just make sure a dog doesn’t catch it after you do.
What! Why would you even ask that? You’re doing something wrong.
Yes, as tampon-sneeze relations are governed by the same biological principles that allow your head to inflate if you put your thumb in your mouth and blow, and allow you to remain suspended in mid-air for a few moments just before taking a long fall so that you may pull out a whimsical sign that reads “Help!” It’s called the Acme Principal.
This is the worst thing that has ever happened to you, but take heart–one day it will seem so trivial when you look back and realize how many awful things have happened to you since.
There’s an easy solution to this: cut ties with your friends and loved ones, radically alter your hair style, set your car on fire and push it off a cliff, then move to Madrid and live under the name Rodrigo Zanzibar and assume the life of a semi-retired textiles mogul.
Perhaps God is using her to teach you to look for natural solutions before supernatural ones.
God is using your daughter for a special purpose, and her purpose can be witnessed firsthand as she works the Walmart checkout lane.
Stockbyte-Thinkstock
Luis Prada is a writer and editor at Holy Taco. His work can also be found on Cracked, FunnyCrave, The Smoking Jacket, and GuySpeed. If you visit his Tumblr page, The Devil Wears Me, he will give you a non-refundable virtual hug. (Subject to geographical limitations, like whether or not you’re near him.) For more Luis, check out his recent roundup of Five Times Fake Breasts Saved Lives –>
