This week in Badass Apocalyptic News for Gents — real-life superheroes are here at last!  

Gentlemen! We are yet again one day closer to the future. Well, at least all of the futures in alternate timelines that B.A.N.G. chooses to monitor. Things have been quiet in the office of late — the other day we watched some debriefings on spiders. You know, the terrible eight-legged monsters that will soon evolve into their most terrifying forms yet once adorable children (or spider secret agents) convince the first private space flight to take spiders along? (To be fair, spiders have already conquered the space station anyways.)

But we’re not in danger yet. We must remain calm, and instead focus on the ways in which our own species is preparing for the end times – the ways in which mankind is evolving and indeed, mutating. The following individuals have shown themselves to the world, and will likely be feared before they are adored. But once the robots, dinosaurs, and deadly neighborhood spider-men come…well, we’ll need a hero.

At least his parents will be proud their son is a doctor

Cat Eyes

Little Nong Yousui has an adorable face, a big goofy grin, and parents that seem to love and care for him. Which is all basically the perfect set up for terrible, terrible tragedy to befall him. Will his government betray him? Senseless gang violence? Or a villain who likes really really bright places? Whoever it is, you can bet Yousui will go into training, learn overly-acrobatic fighting styles, and make sure that his eyes glow mysteriously for all close-ups. He’ll really just be a glorified Dr. Mid-Nite, but you know what? He’ll be REAL.

He concentrated so intensely on turning his fist unto a thing of iron he never developed a fashion sense

The Godhand

The man known as Masutatsu Oyama used to be called “The Godhand. He also had movies made about him starring Sonny Chiba called Karate Bullfighter and Karate Bearfighter. The movies are called these things because the main character, just like his inspiration, respectively kills a bull and a bear with his fists. (Warning: those are mildly sort-of kinda completely insanely graphic videos). So we have that guy. We store his body in a zombie-proof case, wait a little while, and once the unfrozen dinosaurs start cloning themselves, we’ll just steal the technology and reheat ourselves a delicious army of kung-fu masters.

If you think this is watered down, the real-life version of Professor X has a receding hairline, a slight limp, and pretty good luck at rock, paper, scissors

Magnet Man

Most comics don’t paint tattoo artists as heroes. But hey, they’re rebels, they sometimes turn good, and sometimes we’ll have to defend ourselves from invisible spaceships. So this guy goes the extra step in body modification and adds some sweet magnet clasps for his iPod, and voila – magnet body. Add a couple more here and there, up the ante with some electromagnets, and we got ourselves a hipster Magneto that will hopefully save humanity instead of forming the Brotherhoodies of Evil Mutants (“Made By Mutants, For Mutants”). I mean, anything he does will be an improvement over this guy.

Daredevil had to expand his repertoire after he found out attracting crazy women isn’t a superpower

Echolation

Austin Seraphin already has an A+ superhero name. He’s blind, but studying under a mysterious master to basically teach himself a new sense. And even if he’s traditionally blind, he’ll have a sense none of us can even comprehend (except for our sentient dolphin readers). Anyways, be right back, have to go cry single acceptable man tear of pride for amazing stories of human determination and will.

In a world without a Flash, does this mean their nemesis will be Usain Bolt?

Powerful Wizards of Weather and Minds

Wow, guys. We’re surprised you’re so nonchalant about being some of the most powerful beings in the universe. Of course, being 14 I guess you have more important things to do, like watch Spider-Man. Let us know when you’re done with puberty and have developed even more amazing powers – defeating any foes of humanity should be a cinch! Unless of course, you’re just teenagers with overactive imaginations sadly lying to the internet for attention in a display of the pathos that echoes with a resounding, empty hollowness from this screen-addled, socially-crippled generation of WAIT THERE’S A PHOTO OF A KID WITH A FANG OH IT’S TOTALLY ALL TRUE.

Hugbot will fulfill most of your girlfriend’s demands of you right now

Dan Morgridge can turn the mystical artifacts known as “$20 bills” into goods and services. If you find any, send them to his superhero lair for immediate research.

Science never sleeps, and neither does B.A.N.G.! Read Dan’s roundup of Robots Most Likely to Overthrow Us (in the Most Mundane Possible Ways). –>