Five Real-Life Jerks You Want to Kill in Every Video Game

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Luke McKinney writes about games, drink, science, and everything else...
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by Luke McKinney

Video games give us powers far beyond real life: normal people become armored Rambos capable of taking on an entire warzone, and social maladjusts who never leave the couch become capable of annoying those normal people. The control pad confers enough power to turn a palm-sweat-drinking bacteria into a space marine, and that would still be a better teammate than some of the @$$#0!%$ you meet online.


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You’re nothing more than an unreliable motion-activated sentry gun

Crippled Sniper

If your idea of teamwork is to run away from the battle and lie down for thirty minutes, you suck at teamwork. Once the crippled sniper lines themselves up with a spawn doorway on the other side of the map, they’re incapable of moving one inch even when that inch contains the final objective and the entire enemy team dancing on it.

This player is literally psychotic, unable to see other players as actual people: they’re all just pop-up targets in his own personal target gallery. The only reason they don’t shoot their own team is there aren’t points for that. Modern Warfare 3 servers actually make the world a better place by containing more hate-fueled psychopaths than actual prisons, and the incarcerated are paying for their own imprisonment. There are just as many horrible threats of personal violation, but far less actual sex.

Worst of all, they’re not snipers. Most of these lonely lunatics couldn’t hit an aircraft hanger from the inside. Even the ones who can shoot straight are the opposite of evolution. In the old days of Quake it was possible to camp and win, but modern games have evolved gameplay based on teamwork and making campers totally useless. And if campers cared for or even understood those words it would have worked. If these players had been Bruce Willis at the end of Armageddon they’d have jumped off the asteroid and let it hit Earth, just so they could brag about their kill-death ratio until the air ran out.


Vehicle Hog

The vehicle hog is an anti-tank missile given human form, except most missiles are more intelligent. Even when you include fireworks. They wait around the base until the vehicle spawns, meaning your team is outnumbered for most of the match and doesn’t have any vehicles. Because their idea of using a vehicle is seeing how many enemy missiles and mines they can headbutt in five seconds (answer: all of them.) You’d think someone waiting so long for something would actually be good at it, but they’re the pick-up artists of armored warfare: useless and annoying until they get an opportunity and then they explode embarrassingly quickly. They have a lower ratio of waiting for a car to driving one than a NASCAR pit crew.

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And if you hog a Warthog, you get what you deserve

Their special move is when you’re kicking the entire enemy team’s ass and step out for one second to repair the tank. “Why thank you for keeping my seat warm!” they cry, leaping into your seat, “but it was unnecessary, because I’m going to let the enemy set it on fire in five seconds!”

With friendly fire they evolve into their ultimate @$$#0!% form, teamkilling to take the tank. Because if there’s one thing worse than treating other players as a shoot ‘em up, it’s treating them like Grand Theft Auto. Though that never lasts because when you kill things in GTA they don’t re-animate armed with RPGs and Samuel L. Jackson levels of furious vengeance. Nor can the pedestrians vote to ban Nico Belic from the game.


guildwars necromancer ncsoft Five Real Life Jerks You Want to Kill in Every Video GameNecromancer

The medic is the most important class in any game. Good medics can turn the tide of any battle, but bad medics make Dr. Frankenstein look like a considerate health care professional. At least his monster got to run around for a while before dying again. The necromancer has less interest in your well-being than a cannibal – your flesh is just a way to get what he wants and he doesn’t care how much the process hurts. This evil voodoo priest sacrifices his teammates for points, resurrecting them while their bodies are still being machine gunned by multiple enemies, creating the shortest and most pointless life outside a jellyfish in a submarine’s ballast tank.

This one-second-resuscitation does nothing but delay your spawn, so he’s kept you dead twice as long and because he’s no good either, he’s removed two players from your team. The enemy who killed you only managed to remove one. Luckily this voodoo madman doesn’t survive long, because charging at enemy gunmen with nothing but heart paddles only works when you’re Jason Statham.


akuma capcom Five Real Life Jerks You Want to Kill in Every Video Game

Sometimes the character IS the OP weapon.

Overpowered (OP) Weapon Master

Most superheroes have weapons far in advance of their enemies but are nice enough to pretend that it’s still a fight. That’s why Iron Man is considered a hero instead of a violent alcoholic, and the overpowered weapon master only wishes he had that many redeeming factors. What he does have are an underslung grenade launcher, USAS-12, and other weapons that make a tactical nuke look reserved. He interprets community hatred as positive Amazon reviews and arms himself with death-dealers more socially despised than Typhoid Mary.

He thinks the only reason footballers don’t stomp fallen players on the field is because there’s a rule against it. He has the same concept of honor as a shark, and less of fair play than that shark chasing a goldfish. The OP Weapon Master honestly thinks the only reason other people don’t use the overpowered weapon is that they’re not smart enough to recognize it, even though (for example) the USAS-12 is a short-range Annihilation Ray. When you start getting server login messages telling you to have fun killing each other, but not to use a certain weapon, maybe the game’s a tiny bit broken.


scrawny steve rogers paramount Five Real Life Jerks You Want to Kill in Every Video Game

“Devout shoulders will help Leeroy heal better; he’ll have more mana. When my shout’s done, I’ll need Anthony to come in. We’re going to need divine intervention on our top mages, and–did Leeroy run in there? Goddamit, Leeroy.”

Captain Strategy

Captain Strategy is like Captain America if they forgot to inject him with super soldier serum. So he sucks at combat and his primary ability is still “repeatedly nagging people who are sort of busy fighting bad guys.” Which won’t stop him appointing himself commander-in-chief of your team, and he knows that the most important part of victory is blaming people. Masterful advice like “Go for the point” and “Hey, idiots, go for the point” display his full tactical prowess.

What he says is true, and if he was a wizard who could actually cause things to be real by saying them you’d win, but when the only thing you’re throwing at an entrenched enemy position is swear words at your own team you’re not helping the tactical situation.

Captain Strategy is also the Pope. This may come as a surprise, but his faith in his own infallibility is absolute. Every time he dies it’s someone else’s fault: yours, the programmers for doing such a terrible job, the enemy’s hacks and bots and cheats. He is a lone beacon of purity in a terrible world.

You’d think having to kill people would be a slight issue for a religious leader, but it’s no contradiction because Captain Strategy is less lethal than a good haircut (which he also won’t have). In the real military commanders do lead from behind, but that’s not meant to be on the scoreboard.


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Fighters We’d Like to See

Luke McKinney knows booze & video games. Follow him on Tumblr.

Luke also listed six fictional people you want to encounter in video games with “Six Fighters We’d Like to See in Street Fighter X Tekken.” –>

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