by Luke McKinney

Beer is brilliant and we’re going to make it even better. If you ever read a more striking opening it’s because someone’s worked out how to punch people over the internet (which could mean the end of YouTube commenters). We might not improve the world that much, but we are tackling a fun-ruining problem afflicting millions of men who drink: monobeer.

Monobeer is what happens when people choose a brand and just stick to it, as if ordering beer was some kind of chore they had to get over with. But it’s like switching your taste buds to black and white. Beer is the most glorious fluid on Earth. It’s relaxation and happiness and creativity and in fact most of the positive neural states in a bottle. It’s an entire world of taste just waiting to be ordered.

Sticking to one brand of beer is like declining an invitation to shower with the cheerleading team because you’re standing in line for a new smartphone. You’re giving up guilt-free liquid pleasures for loyalty to an unfeeling corporation.

Beauty is also beautiful

The problem is that most people fighting against the laziness of monobeer begin by insulting your choice of drink. That’s stupid. If your first point is how someone is enjoying beer wrong, your second point could cure cancer and no one would listen. When you start by saying beer is bad you’ll have to finish with a nuclear strike to get anyone to pay attention. Some snobs mock mass-market beer despite mass production being the core of modern society. Mass marketing is why beer is as freely available as water, and just as refreshing, with the slight downside that it’s often about as flavorful. That’s the only problem; your beer is only as refreshing as water.

Enjoy refreshing glass of State Brand Beer Drink, tovarisch!

There’s nothing wrong with mass-market drink, but everything wrong with onlyhaving mass-market drink. Everyone enjoying exactly the same thing because that’s easier isn’t beer; it’s communism, and the last time booze and communism fought for people’s devotion, vodka shut down the People’s Glorious Tractor Factories. The whole point of drinking is to experience new things, while sticking to a single brand turns the world of beer into a gas station, a chore, an expensive fuel you need to keep getting in order to keep going the way you want. Besides, even if you are the kind of flavor-detecting (and lying) Terminator who claims to taste differences between different brands of Beer Lite, after seven there aren’t any. And saying you only like blondes is limiting enough when you do it with people, but even shallower, because in both cases you should have a deeper knowledge of them once tongues are involved.

Okay, “always the best time unless you’re operating machinery.”

“Have another beer” isn’t just good advice, it’s an entire life philosophy, and like all the best philosophies there’s a deeper meaning many miss. “Have another beer” means try a different one. Your first instinct on seeing any new thing should be “I’ll try that!” That’s not just for beer, but beer is the best bootstrap because when your first step is trying a new beer you’re much more likely to have fun with everything else.

There’s never been a better time to try new beers, because an explosion of homegrown craft beers an imports from around the world, and because “right now” is always the best time to have a new beer. It’s a zero-risk strategy. It’s not like a new kind of beer won’t have drink in it. The worst risk is that you’ll get something you don’t like, but if you’ve never put your lips on something you later regretted you haven’t been drinking enough in the first place. It’s the world’s easiest life-improvement strategy.  When the absolute worst that can happen is you have a drink, that’s a plan. If it’s good you’ve found another drink you love, if it’s bad, well, you’d better have another beer afterwards, and that one will taste even better. This plan has fewer downsides than antigravity, and is even more likely to lift your spirits.  Cheers.

Shake it like an outdated form of photography

Luke McKinney knows booze & video games. Follow him on Tumblr.

And hey, continue your alcohological education with Prof. McKinney’s Man’s Guide to Mixing and Four Impressive Cocktails You Can Mix with Ease. –>