There is an unending and violent torrent of weirdness and stupidity overflowing the river known as Yahoo! Answers. One could drown in the amount of baffling questions about the female anatomy alone. That’s why I’m here. It’s my job to gather these questions together, like a bunch of brain-damaged and inquisitive cattle, and provide definitive answers.

I’m not very good at it.

This is the third time I’ve returned the dull gaze of Yahoo! Answers (read parts 1 and 2), and something was different. The page continues to draw Earth’s dumbest people into its maw, but now they’re being trolled by the very sages here to help them.

Dear god, it’s ADAPTING.

Why would you try? Are you an Egyptian serpent deity?

Eating your arms and legs is easy. But once you get to the torso and head things start to get interesting. At some point you’d have to find a way to continue eating as you’re eating the parts of yourself that involve the eating process; the mouth, the neck, the stomach. If you started munching on, say, your esophagus, it would be like removing a section of piping from a waterslide–everyone that hasn’t slid down that section would slip out prematurely and the entire purpose of the slide would be defeated. You’d have to eat around the stomach, so eventually you’re just a head and a slimy sack packed with you. Then, you’d probably have to eat your stomach, but not chew it. You’d probably have to swallow it whole so it could loop back around and be nestled within itself. After that, you’d be free to eat your head, which would then slide in to your stomach.

So, no on both points; you won’t get twice as big, you’ll just be a stomach, and you won’t completely disappear, you’ll just be a stomach.

I put more thought into that than anything else in the past year.

Mostly we think, “This is so much better than practice-kissing a hand!”

When men are making out with women, their minds fill with a number of thoughts that span the entire spectrum of cognition; from deep contemplations on the meaning of existence, to whether we remembered to feed the cat. But above all else, we’re wondering why you taste like burritos. We ate dinner with you. We didn’t see burritos. Neither of us ate burritos. Yet, you taste like Mexican flour tubes stuffed with brown mush. WHEN DID YOU EAT A BURRITO?! Was it when you went excused yourself from the table to “freshen up”? Is “freshen up” code for “eat Mexican food in a stall beside someone evacuating their bowels”?

Perhaps I’ve revealed too much about my last sexual encounter.

Did you know Trollface was copyrighted? Boooo, intellectual property!

Come on, this one even has Trollface for an icon and a rickroll screenname

Because then the pizza wouldn’t be frozen anymore. If the pizza were meant to be eaten to be eaten hot it would be called a “reheatable pizza.” Nowhere in the words “frozen pizza” are you told, or is it even suggested, that you eat it hot. Ice cream has the word ice in it. Do you microwave ice cream? No. If you did you wouldn’t be eating ice cream, you’d just be eating cream, much in the same way you are no longer eating a frozen pizza if you make it hot. I agree that pizza is more delicious when hot, but there has to be a reason why more than half of any frozen section of a grocery store is made up of frozen pizza–people love a refreshing, thirst-quenching pizza on a hot summer’s day. It’s all the deliciousness of Italy with the wintery freshness of Antarctica. Watch out for brain freeze.

Yes, but it wouldn’t be safe to microwave that frozen pizza

Never bungee jump with an open wound anywhere above the ankle strap. The downward forced exerted on your body when your body snaps as the bungee cable reaches max tension can cause your organs and skeletal system to slip out of any open wounds, no matter how small. Think of it like a ketchup bottle–you’re trying to get the ketchup out of the bottle, but it just isn’t coming out. So you start jolting the bottle down toward your hot dog. After a couple of pumps a gory burst of red splatters all of your dog, and your counter, and your microwave, and your shirt. You are the bottle. The ground is the hot dog, counter, microwave, and shirt. Please, retain your ketchup.

This is actually a really good question which Yahoo! treats like it’s trollworthy

This is a wonderful question that many scientists are still debating. Some argue that a lickety split is the smallest increment of time perceptible by man, while others believe the $#!+-through-a-goose increment is smaller yet still visible. Moreover, there is a small yet vocal faction of experts that still believe two shakes of a lama’s tail, while very difficult to see with the naked eye, is shortest length of time. In more primitive times it was widely believed that the blink of an eye was the shortest perceptible time frame, but famed astronomer, engineer, and mathematician Archimedes theorized the drop of a hat was far more visible a measurement, while also being a significantly shorter interval of time. Ultimately, though, even the great Archimedes was proved wrong as the jiffy was later found to be shorter while still visible.

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Luis Prada’s work can be found on Cracked, FunnyCrave, The Smoking Jacket, and GuySpeed. If you visit his Tumblr page, The Devil Wears Me, he will give you a non-refundable virtual hug. (Subject to geographical limitations, like whether or not you’re near him.)

For more Luis, check out his recent roundup of Five Times Fake Breasts Saved Lives –>