The Amazing Spider-Man’s Most Embarrassing Moments

June 28, 2012 3:00 AM
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Reporting The Man Behind Patrick Emmel

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Comics, Featured, Movies

Everyone loves Spider-Man, except newspaper publisher J. Jonah Jameson. (And sometimes his aunt thinks he’s a menace.) That’s why we as a society get so upset when he’s forced to dance for some movie executive’s amusement. Spider-Man should stay true to the core concept we all relate to: punching monsters thirty stories above the city.

Ha! Tricked you. People love Spidey because he’s a regular kid who catches more flak for trying to do the right thing. Here, then, are 15 moments we love, because no one can be cool all the time.

Is The Amazing Spider-Man going to be great or not? There’s reason to suspect both yay and nay, but one thing’s certain; it can’t get more awkward than what came before. #1: Everyone Needs a Car In Manhattan Unfortunately, the general public doesn’t just throw money at super-heroes, so Spider-Man ended up being paid to drive the Spider-Mobile (up buildings!) when he’s able to bypass city traffic much easier by slinging weblines. This led to Spider-Man battling villains such as lawsuits when he crashed the car, and even the Spider-Mobile itself. #2: Flash Thompson was an O.K. Guy At least, compared to Skip Westcott. In an attempt to console a child about his babysitter touching him, Spider-Man tells the story of Skip Westcott, an older student who wanted a bit more from a 12-year-old Peter Parker than help with math. #3: Spidey’s New Duds Venom may be a fan favorite of Spider-Man villains, but his origins are less than exciting. In the major Secret Wars super-hero crossover, Spider-Man replaces his damaged costume with a slick new S&M suit from a space machine. After an uproar from fans over replacing the iconic red and blue, the writers turn the costume into an alien symbiote, making Spider-Man’s fashion statement into his most fearsome enemy. #4: Spidey’s Newer Duds If the origin of Venom wasn’t enough, after shedding the symbiote with the help of Reed Richards, Spider-Man ended up promoting the Fantastic 4 by temporarily wearing their uniform with a paper-bag and no shoes until he could sew a new red and blue suit. #5: Spider-Man 3 Disco Fever Yes, the Venom problem even made it to the big screen, as the alien symbiote magically turned Peter Parker into the goth edition of John Travolta, tarnishing an otherwise fantastic trilogy. Making Tobey Maguire a bad-ass is one thing, but having him play the piano and dance is one step away from creating a super-hero talent show where The Hulk juggles bowling pins and Hawkeye shoots apples off Black Widow’s head. What’s next, Spider-Man: The Musical? #6: Spider-Man: The Musical Apparently, someone in the universe thought a dancing and singing super-hero in a spandex suit was a great idea. So good, in fact, that they staged an entire Broadway musical performance with an estimated $75 million price tag to have Spider-Man, the Green Goblin, and...Swiss Miss?...dance and sing on-stage to a musical score by U2’s Bono and The Edge. #7: Clones Replacing an iconic super-hero can be tricky, or outright ridiculous. In the case of Spider-Man, they went ridiculous when his long-lost clone returned, calling himself Ben Reilly. It turns out that the Peter Parker we all knew and loved was the real clone, leading to a roller-coaster storyline whose weary low points include Peter Parker’s other clone Kaine, spousal abuse, and falling sales that revealed Ben Reilly to be the clone all along, just like nature intended. #8: Jonathan Caesar The crazy landlord is a staple for any TV comedy involving an apartment building. In Spider-Man’s world, however, the craziness goes a little too far with Jonathan Caesar, landlord and neighbor to the Parkers. He kidnaps Mary Jane, hires high-profile supervillains to protect his secret, has her blacklisted as a model when she escapes, and is killed by another obsessed fan on the set of MJ’s new gig, Secret Hospital, the soap opera that is less soap operatic than her real life #9: Spidey TV Spidey always brings some big costs. This was the issue for the live-action television show from 1978, The Amazing Spider-Man. While The Incredible Hulk with Lou Ferrigno became an intense drama loved by all, its biggest costs were green paint and cardboard walls. The Amazing Spider-Man had shots of a guy crawling up buildings, green-screen sets, and probably a bank-load of liability coverage. Even worse, if you had a crummy television back then, the color of Spider-Man’s costume came out pink. #10: 3 Dev Adam At the very least, the attempt at a live-action Spider-Man cleaned out the bad taste of the ridiculous version of Spider-Man in the 1973 Turkish film 3 Dev Adam, where Spider-Man is an international crime-lord involved in a counterfeiting ring. In this unauthorized character gank, Spider-Man has an informant’s face slashed to ribbons with a boat propeller, dances with hot Turkish women, and fights Captain America and Mexican luchador Santo. Amusing? Absolutely. Confusing? Absolutelier. Confusing Cameos What do Jay Leno, Malcolm Forbes, and Superman’s Jimmy Olsen have in common? Absolutely nothing, except sharing two panels in The Amazing Spider-Man for one of the oddest cameo appearances in comic book history. We can only guess that Leno had dreams of being drawn in a comic book, Forbes needed some publicity for his magazine, and employment was getting tight in Metropolis. #12: Maximum Carnage The symbiote saga had another resurrection with the merger of Venom’s offspring and serial killer Cletus Kasady to create Carnage. Unfortunately, they decided to resurrect him in a 14-part saga. The embarassment ranged from how the symbiote was resurrected (drawing Kasady’s blood?) to Venom sporting a sonic-wave gun, to a multi-hero crossover to keep the people of New York from destroying each other thanks to Carnage’s lady-friend Shriek. Like New Yorkers really need a super-villain to go a little nuts. #13: Gwen Stacy’s Dark Secret Sometimes, writers delve into the past in order to imagine an exciting, over-the-top story arc that happened behind the pages. Sins Pastis not that story arc. Instead, the purity of Gwen Stacy and her relationship with Peter Parker is ruined when we find out that creepy old Norman Osborn, AKA the Green Goblin, seduced the blonde beauty, got her pregnant, then sent her children after Spider-Man years after her death (at Norman’s hands!). All this so we can see the Green Goblin’s Oface. #14: It Was All Just A Dream How do you streamline a super-hero to get ready for the next century? Apparently, you cancel two of his books and have him strike a deal with the devil to make the last twenty years of comic books null and void. That’s what happened to Spider-Man in One More Day,a story arc where Peter Parker makes a deal with Mephisto in order to save his Aunt May’s life. The cost? His marriage to Mary Jane and the annoyance of millions of fans at a new way to say, It was all just a dream. #15: Peter Porker, The Spectacular Spider-Ham There’s nothing wrong with a littly campy humor when it comes to comic books. There used to be huge spreads in newspapers dedicated to comic strips with short, blatant one-liners, so saying Peter Porker was an embarassment to the Spider-Man franchise really isn’t fair. What was embarrassing was that the joke in one animal-themed issue of Marvel Tails turned into a 17-issue title, using odd parodies of characters and events to re-tell the events of Spider-Man’s life with costumed animals. Even when the book was cancelled, Peter Porker could still be seen making cameos in random Spider-Man issues and even his own featured one-shot books until 2010. DC Comics is also guilty, however, with their Captain Carrot and His Amazing Zoo Crew! line. There you have it! Fifteen endearingly awkward moments that have us excited for ASM. Man Cave Daily

We love Spider-Man because he is us.

The Amazing Spider Mans Most Embarrassing MomentsPatrick Emmel is a cool guy. You can see more of his work at www.theineptowl.com or heckle him on Twitter @Patrick_AE.

If you want awkward, check out Patrick’s S&M — Sports Memorabilia Sadistic Mementos. –>

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