by Dan Morgridge

Gentlemen, to dine is divine. But the enemies of humanity know the way to our hearts is through our stomachs, and they usually don’t want to do good things to our hearts. So today, we prep you for: the food fight! A very different kind of hunger games if you will: a battle where we might be tempted to eat foods of a compromising nature, and we might have to fight back with creative countermeasures. Or perhaps the food itself will turn against us - how could we destroy something so beloved and tasty? Alas, we must make grave sacrifices, and should the time come…we must summon the courage to defeat what we eat. Here are some appetizers for the potential foodpocalypse.

They’re basically already spermatazoa writ large

When Seafood Goes Beyond Just Being An Aphrodisiac

Welp, that should about do it for this whole article. Come back in a week once you’re done hiding under a rock and covering your mouth while screaming. But seriously, this is only the beginning. Just imagine when your hard-boiled eggs aren’t so dormant  Make sure you know where your fresh food comes from. Or be like the pros, and raise all of your food in-house…literally.

America!

Death By Delicious

We would be remiss to omit that food is already a deadly foe to most red-blooded American eaters. Fat and sodium levels can be a little high in some of our favorite foods, but we try to educated ourselves and act responsibly. Then again, a fast food restaurant makes a Doritos Taco or a Bacon Sundae and how the hell are we supposed to resist that? We can’t. We have no idea how to stop this one. Maybe we’ll get distracted eating the fun toys of our youth! Or maybe we can just make take the Xzibit route…

People who need to eat gold to feel good about themselves…are never going to feel good about themselves

Pimp Your Food

I mean, at first, how can you say no to Esslack edible gold spray? Kids would eat their vegetables because not even the crowned heads of Europe get golden brussel sprouts. Betcha can’t eat just one golden potato chip. It takes a couple more licks to get to the center of my lollipop because it’s COATED IN GOLD. A depressing night at the bar becomes kingly when the pretzels are Gold Rold Gold…it goes on like this. Of course, then we realize they could make golden apples. And then we prepared for war against the makers of Esslack, because we remembered: golden apples have ended badly for everyone in every universe they have ever existed in ever. 

If the teeth don’t get you the garlic cloves will

Mystic Pizza (A Kind Even Worse Than The Movie)

I mean, at least we know one thing’s for sure–food is only going to kill us via consumption. We monitor our diets, we shop local, and no matter what evil foodstuffs are created, we just don’t eat it and we win! Unless of course someone makes a pizza that can summon the old ones, and whose toppings might include your very soul. Such a pizza could end the world, and possibly taste even worse than Cici’s.

Toastproof Toast

Of course, even if food does magically turn against us–and eating our way out isn’t an option (but man do we really hope it’s an option)–fire always beats food–even the best chefs know. That is of course, unless your food has become conveniently flame-retardant right before it becomes sentient and tries to eat you. In that case, we’re just going to have to use the ultimate-anti-food weapon: putting it in tupperware in the office fridge for 4 months.

Our research says yes

Dan Morgridge is already a double agent for food. He betrayed his world for a pizza, and he’s truly sorry–but man, it was really good pizza.

Who’s behind this plague of killer food? Could it be…Apocalyptic Advertisers? –>