Look chief, we’re not your mom over here. You’re goofing off, and frankly, we don’t care. Maybe the work day is done. Maybe you need a break! Maybe you’re waiting for something big and need to distract yourself. Maybe it’s lunch! Or maybe you have no reason whatsoever and are a terrible leech upon society, not only wasting your own productivity but also precious waking hours of your all-too-short-life, single-handedly plunging our economy into ruin while eager and bright youngsters live off of coffeehouse tips and cook their nightly ramen in their own hot tears of shame. But hopefully it’s some of those first ones!
In any case, we won’t condemn your need for time-wasting diversion. We just want to make sure you’re picking the right one. Here’s a collection of finely tuned time-wasters that will address the exact hole in your soul that needs plugging — and thus allow you to return to work a renewed dude of vim and vigor! Or at least, you’ll have some fun clicking on things for a while.
When you want to be the bad guy
Zombies…maybe they’re not so bad? Or maybe they are, and that’s exactly what you want to be. Become the Infectonator of Worlds! Have your hordes eat and add the mystical powers of MJ, the Hulk, and Colonel Sanders while you’re at it, because of course that makes sense. Alternately, if you’re tired of trying to be a noble castle tower defender, try just being an evil treasure horder in Cursed Gems, and zapping any number of would-be Indiana Joneses into cackle-worthy piles of dust.
When you need to remind yourself to read instructions
Don’t Shoot The Puppy. Seriously. We’re not sure how else to get through to you here.
When you want to destroy everything in your path
Burrito Bison Revenge is kind of like a journey. It is kind of like an old bizarre anime game called Nanaca Crash. It is also kind of like a really great acid trip. However you quantify it, you get to crush endless legions of gummi bears, some of whom are cops you get to fight. Who loses here? No one.
When you’d rather be a DJ
Incredibox is a simple and addictive means to create your own song without having to know a damn thing about a click track. Beats, vocals, and catchy choruses are just a click away, and suddenly you’ll realize your magnum opus has only yourself and the cleaning lady for an audience.
When you want to get your detective on
Keep the music, but then add some sleuthing in Musaic Box. You may never get to be a real detective, but neither was Jerry Orbach. And yet both of you can make terrible puns while pretending to solve crime. You have something in common with Jerry Orbach now! Your life is better.
When you are Angrier than Birds can handle
Blah Blah birds angry flinging yes yes. It was all very cute, but now we need to move on. Giving a cartoon pig a lump on the head is not going to satiate my rage glands. But Crushing A Castle…now that’s a way to hear the lamentations of their women, friends!
When you need a nice gentle game or else you’ll go to a place with nice soft wall
If your day has left you somewhere between Jack Nicholson at the end of One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest and and this, you might need the pastel-and-whispers world of Orsinal. It’s not exactly macho, but neither is crying to Pixar movies, and I know you’ve done that and loved it. Or if you just want to get as close to being on a beach and hearing the surf, Dolphin Olympics reduces your responsibilities in life to “jump around and maybe to the moon, or not, whatever, you’re a dolphin.” Trust us on that one: clutch.
When you just wish you had an army of clones instead of dumbass coworkers
You could do your job in half the time if you just had ten of you. And in Cursor 10, that’s the only way you can do it.
When you need instant gratification
Ok, so maybe it’s really not your day. Maybe you just want someone to pat you on the back, a dollar on the ground, or to beat a kid in arm wrestling. If you’re fresh out of college and aren’t getting the constant positive feedback that’s defined you thus far, we heartily recommend Achievement Unlocked. If your tolerance for losing is at complete zero, just try the honest, direct, and uber-congratulatory You Have To Burn The Rope.
When you want to kill Robot Hitler
Wolfenstein. The game where, as we just said above, you get to kill Robot Hitler. If we need to talk you into this, you may as well renounce your U.S. citizenship right now.
Dan Morgridge is playing outside, but there’s a notable lack of power-ups here.
You know what was cool? The time when Dan threw a party by making a whole bunch of cocktails that only exist in fiction. –>