by Luis Prada

Unless you’ve had a chunk of you ripped away–muscles stretching beyond their breaking point, joints and cartilage separating until they pop, skin looking like pulled saltwater taffy–the very idea of a piece of you getting violently torn off will seem unrealistic, bordering on silly. In real life, people lose limbs all the time. It’s tragic and sad, yet it happens. It’s such a regular occurrence in the world that there’s really no need to mention every occurrence in the news, which makes hearing about such an event so special. Everybody breathes, but if one guy all of a sudden started breathing through his butthole that’s a front page headline. Same with people getting body parts lobbed off; it has to be really special if it’s going to be newsworthy.

These are those special stories.

Believe it or not, this is the least creepy doll photo in this article

1. Cage Fighter Rips Out Friend’s Heart

Hey, remember that scene in Temple of Doom when that guy chants “Kali-Ma!” a whole bunch and rips out people’s hearts? That was brutal. But, of course, it was a movie. The guy was doing some weird magic stuff. Surely people in real life don’t rip each other’s hearts out with their bare hands? I mean, isn’t that the world we’d all rather live in?

Turns out we don’t live in that world and we should all be fear-peeing down our legs because of it.

Jarrod Wyatt is a 26-year old cage fighter. One day Jarrod decided to drink a cup of soothing herbal tea…that was spiked with hallucinogenic mushrooms. Soon Jarrod became convinced that the end of the world was upon us, and that the final battle between God and the devil was on the horizon. With his brain warped by the ‘shrooms, Jarrod looked in to the eyes of his friend and sparring partner Taylor Powell and saw the face of Satan. “Satan was in that dude,” he would later say, finally proving that adding the word “dude” to the end of a sentence suddenly makes any horrifying act seem chummy and friendly.

Doing his part to save the world from the devil, Jarrod sliced an 18-inch hole in Powell’s chest and, with his bare hand, removed his heart. And the sick madness didn’t end there. Jarrod then removed Powell’s tongue and most of his face.

Bet you’re feeling a little sick right now, huh? Well, here’s a picture of an adorable puppy that will help the next horrible fact go down…

“Pweez don’t eats mai heart”

Believing Powell was still alive, Jarrod then cooked the body parts in an oven. There’s no word on the precise time and temperature it takes to cleanse chopped-off human body parts of demonic possession.

Take that, coppers!

2. New Jersey Man Cuts Out Own Intestines and Throws Them at Cops

Clearly, most everyone on this list has some sort of psychiatric problem. You don’t wind up on a list about having chunks of you ripped off if you weren’t involved in some crazy shenanigans or are a crazy person that was up to some fairly sick shenanigans. Wayne Carter from Hackensack, New Jersey, fits both of those bills.

Wayne had a history of mental health issues that without question reached their peak in May of 2012 when he barricaded himself within his home after threatening to cut himself with a large knife. The cops showed up and busted down the door. At this point, Wayne made good on his threats. Instead of putting the knife down like the cop suggested, Wayne stared stabbing himself in the stomach, neck, and legs. The cops broke out the pepper spray but Wayne shook off the spicy deterrent and interpreted the act as a triple-doggy-dare. So, he upped the ante–he started cutting off chunks of his own intestines and skin and threw them at the cops. And how did the cops react? They ran away. Wayne powered through a pepper spraying and stood his ground, but all of a sudden a guy starts throwing chunks of himself at you like a mutant that was rejected by the X-Men for being too gross and people fall back to figure out a new plan of attack.

Eventually the SWAT team was called in to subdue Wayne, because only men in thick padding with visors over their faces and large shields had the balls to get anywhere near a guy that was throwing pieces of his own poop chute like they were confetti.

Church ushers have been warned to keep an eye out for him

3. Man Rips Out His Own Eyes

There are some acts of self-mutilation so intense and impressive people should be applauded for them. Aldo Bianchini is one of those men.

Aldo attended a Sunday church service in northern Italy. Reverend Lorenzo Tanganelli was conducting the sermon. All was well and the word of God was being preached, when the reverend noticed…something. He saw a guy clawing at his own face in the back row. It could have been a random bee attack, or it just could have been someone was so moved by the reverend’s words that he had to hide his intense display of emotion. Nope! It was neither of those things. Turns out the reverend caught Aldo just as he had begun to tear out his own eyes with his bare hands.

Aldo was a smart man, having degree in chemistry and he spoke five languages, but, sadly, he was plagued with schizophrenia. That Sunday morning in the church, the voices in his head got the better of him, finally convincing him to do himself harm; in this case, they convinced him to reach in to his skull and yank out his eyes.

After falling to the floor in a pool of his own blood, Aldo was picked up and taken to a local hospital.

“I called for assistance and the paramedics were quickly at the scene, and he was taken away and then I carried on celebrating Mass,” said Reverend Tanganelli . “But a lot of people had left because they were so shocked by what they had seen.”

If a man tears out his own eyes as you’re making any sort of presentation, just call it a day; wrap things up. That’s nature’s version of the orchestra starting up during an awards show acceptance speech. As soon as eyes get torn out, you’re done. Nothing you say will save the day. There’s no way to seamlessly dovetail your speech about the glory of the lord in to the moral lessons of a random eye gouging.

When you guys disarm a foe, you REALLY disarm a foe

4. Arms Ripped Off in Tug of War

Tug of War is an ancient game that dates back thousands of years to a time when vicious, powerful warriors tested their strength by yanking themselves closer to one-another to prove their battle readiness. It’s also a game you accidentally play when your dog won’t stop biting your shoe, so maybe it’s not a very impressive to begin with.

In 1997, a large scale Tug of War match went down along the Keelung River in Taipei, China, as a part of the celebration of Retrocession Day, a day that marks the end of Japanese colonial rule in Taiwan. The problem was that there were 1,600 participants in the contest, and the rope they were using was so crappy they may as well have been trying to swing a wrecking ball with dental floss. As soon as the contest began, literally seconds into 1,600 people pulling a single strand of rope in opposing directions, the rope snapped. Most probably had a nice laugh as they picked themselves back up, patted each other on the back, and made wry remarks about how weak the rope was and how they should have seen this coming. In the middle of the smiles and joy were the screams of two men whose arms had torn off below the shoulder. The force of the snapback after the rope broke ripped their arms clean off their bodies. The men were immediately rushed to a hospital and had their arms reattached, but not before every American child at their elementary school field day winced in pain after hearing this story and made up some excuse about asthma.

That explains a lot about Ken

5. Chef Cooks His Own Penis

Wanna learn an unsettling fact about Japan? In Japan, there’s no such thing as a law against cannibalism. If you’re a person whose favorite meal is another person, Japan is your place. Makes you wonder if the human body lends itself well to the use of chopsticks.

Mao Sugiyama is a Japanese artist and considers himself asexual; not the asexual where he doesn’t like sex. He’s the asexual where he doesn’t identify as male or female. Yet, Mao, born a man, has a full set of man junk. Penis, testicles, scrotum–all are standard on him like power windows and A/C are standard on Buicks. But what’s an asexual artist that doesn’t identify with either gender to do when he clearly has a set of genitals that identify him as male? Why, he has a surgery that removes his genitals, which then allows him to keep his junk in his freezer for two months next to his Lean Cuisines while he figures out what to do with them. Finally, after much thought, he had come to an answer…

If you don’t speak or read Japanese, that tweet may seem like a jumbled mess of Japanese characters. But if you could read the language you’d know that together the characters within this jumbled mess spell out something akin to “Give me money and I’ll feed you my pee-pee.” In a single tweet Mao had offered to cook and serve his penis to whoever was willing to pay 100,000 yen and had a taste for fried man dong.

For reasons that only heavy drug use and repeated dropping as a baby can explain, Mao found a group of five willing to eat his penis (the sixth member of the party was a no-show). The penis, scrotum, and testicles were braised, topped with finely chopped Italian parsley (so 1990s…) and served.

Stockbyte-Thinkstock

Luis Prada’ss work can be found on Cracked, FunnyCrave, The Smoking Jacket, and GuySpeed. If you visit his Tumblr page, The Devil Wears Me, he will give you a non-refundable virtual hug. 

For more Luis, check out his recent roundup of Five Times Fake Breasts Saved Lives –>