Five Insulting Assumptions About Men Cooking

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"YAY! Me only cut off half me head making pasta!"

“YAY! Me only cut off half me head making pasta!”

DogBadge Writers Dan Seitz
Dan Seitz is the creative director at GammaSquad and the gadget guy...
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by Dan Seitz

So, you have a penis, and you’re near a stove with some food. Today, friend, you will discover what it’s like to be stereotyped.

Granted that this is in no way oppression, despite what that one butthurt guy who uses the term “feminazi” all the time would have you believe. It’s just annoying. But if you’re a guy, and you’re cooking, people will make a set of assumptions about you that show us most of what people learn about humanity, they pick up from awful sitcoms.

#5) You Have No Idea What Anything Is Or What It Does

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“Aw, honey, that’s so cute how you try to stir things.”

It’s true that when you get into gourmet cooking, there are lots of terms and ideas that you never learned. For example, using a sous vide. Do you have no idea what a sous vide is? That’s OK, because nobody ever uses one outside of cooking shows anyway except tiresome or scary people (if you were wondering, it’s a type of cooking that allows you to precisely heat food to a specific temperature in a vacuum sealed bag).

Realistically, the basics of cooking are idiot-proof. Making a steak in a pan is not hard. Chopping up vegetables is not hard. But people will assume you’ve never heard of pans, or pots, or natural gas, or water, depending on whether or not you’re wearing a football jersey and carrying a bunch of vegetables.

It’s even worse when it comes to “specialty” devices, even if these devices are designed to be simple. For example, if you ever buy a crock-pot, and you should, somebody will condescendingly try to explain to you how it works.

It’s a metal bucket with a plug and a dial with four settings: Off, Low, High, and Warm. Thanks, annoying salesperson at the home goods store, but I think I’ve got this one.

#4) You Are Incapable of Following Directions

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For simpler dishes like spaghetti, a man only requires the supervision of two women

Here’s a little secret nobody will tell you: most recipes are almost idiotically simple. Like, it’s almost insulting how simple they are. Mostly they involve turning a dial, pouring things on other things, mixing those things together, and sticking them in an appliance.

And yet, we’ve been so conditioned by “Home Improvement” reruns to assume men are incompetent boobs that people will think you don’t understand a recipe is a series of instructions and guidelines, but something for your penis to ignore while lighting things on fire.

#3) You Do Nothing But Grill

This is in no way meant to profane the wonderful and sublime grill. Grilling is fun, grilling make tasty meat, and it’s pretty easy unless you’re an obsessive compulsive weirdo.

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In the kitchen, you’re an idiot. In the parking lot, you’re an expert.

On the other hand, it gets a little annoying when you’re talking about pot roasts and somebody asks you how you grill that. I don’t, you indescribable jackass. It’s a roast. I put it in a crock-pot with some vegetables, seasonings, and beer, cook it for eight hours on high, rip it up, and eat it for dinner.

On the topic of beer…

#2) You Pour Beer Over Everything

This is not to denigrate beer as a cooking medium. Beer is a wonderful thing to cook with, depending on what you’re making. Humanity has been using beer for various foods for centuries.

Nonetheless, most people seem to believe that your first impulse will be to, say, pour beer on a pie. Even if you’re not interested in baking, which is fine, because most people aren’t interested in baking. There seems to be some form of belief that most straight men can only operate in the kitchen with a beer in their hand.

Which gets us to the final, and most annoying point…

#1) That You’ll Only Cook Certain Things for Fear of Being Emasculated Or Mistaken for Gay

Straight men only cook certain things, in the minds of way too many people. Beef, pork, vegetables that are high in fiber and can easily be put on skewers. Maybe fish, provided it’s wrapped in tinfoil and you’re a yuppie.

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For example, you might think a knee-high kitchen table loaded with costly electronics makes an excellent work station

But anything else is apparently the exclusive province of gays and Vaginal Americans. For example, I make my own bread sometimes, and people look at me like I’m a bizarre mutant. It’s not because I’m some sort of insane person or even because I own a bread maker. It’s because I’m a cheapskate and I’m lazy, and I found a bread recipe so simple anybody can do it.

Granted, I don’t generally bake beyond this, because baking sucks and most professional bakers will tell you to just buy the stuff that comes in the box from a store if you’re stuck making a cake, which is the only baking most of the American population will ever have to do. But if you are stuck making a cake out of a box, people will often assume you have no idea how to frost it, because your average guy has never laid spackle on a wall, which requires exactly the same skill set as frosting a cake, minus sanding.

This is a two-way street. Women are expected to bake, and to enjoy baking, even though baking is some of the fussiest and most annoying cooking any human being will ever do. While men cooking food seems to some people like a trained monkey doing a neat trick, women who hate to cook get funny looks as if people are wondering whether they’re real women or just good at tucking.

In other words, cooking is a social pain in the ass. So do it in private, and when anybody asks, tell them you get takeout.


Decorate your apartment like an adult and grow up, ya slob

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Dan Seitz is the creative director at GammaSquad and the gadget guy at Guyism

Dan further helped you grow up when he taught you to Decorate Your Apartment like the Adult You Are. –>

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