Ten Embarrassing Bat-Moments

July 17, 2012 12:05 AM
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Bat-nipples or Bat-garter? Which is more humiliating?

Bat-nipples or Bat-garter? Which is more humiliating?

Reporting The Man Behind Patrick Emmel

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by Patrick Emmel

With Batman returning to the public eye with the theatrical release of The Dark Knight Rises, it would only be proper to send off this last film of the Christopher Nolan trilogy with highlights of the good times we’ve had over the years that would make the Caped Crusader beam with pride! Unfortunately, I’m just not wired like that. I used up all of my goodwill when we unmasked nine actors that played Batman. Instead, I present ten not-so-proud moments in Batman’s history, from comic book to television to theater. This isn’t a slam piece. This is a warning piece, to whoever picks up the cowl, and director’s chair, next.

With Batman returning to the public eye with the theatrical release of The Dark Knight Rises, it would only be proper to send off this last film of the Christopher Nolan trilogy with highlights of the good times we’ve had over the years that would make the Caped Crusader beam with pride! Unfortunately, I’m just not wired like that. Instead, I present ten not-so-proud moments in Batman’s history, from comic book to television to theater. This isn’t a slam piece. This is a warning piece, to whoever picks up the cowl, and director’s chair, next. 1) Gimmick Covers of the 1940s When Bob Kane created a super-detective that dressed up as a bat and exacted revenge on criminals with his fists, he gave birth to a hero that quickly took over DC’s Detective Comics and demanded its own title. Unfortunately, that meant someone else had to pick up the cover layouts. What began as covers of action and mystery where Batman and Robin thwarted gun-wielding gangsters became what one would think of when using the ancient term, “funnybooks.” Such covers included Batman and Robin riding penny-farthing bicycles, holding hands with one of the three musketeers, riding in a rodeo, Robin falling with a Christmas tree after failing to put the star on top, and bowling. Luckily, Bob Kane came back to the book to give a little guidance while he was pencilling. 2) Shark Repellant Adam West’s Batman was tongue-in-cheek with its campy humor, but even camp can go too far. This was the case in Batman: The Movie, released in 1966. In barely eight minutes, fans were swamped with ridiculousness. Batman and Robin fly over Gotham(aka Los Angeles) in a Batcopter, waving at random swimsuit models who just happened to be hanging out on the roof of a building. Robin can’t fly, and ends up dunking Batman in the ocean. Batman is attacked by a giant, rubber shark, and actually has shark repellant on-hand for just such an occasion. What happens next? Nobody knows, because nobody watched the movie for long after. 3) One-Shot By Judge Dredd In one of arguably the best crossovers in comic book history except for The Infinity Gauntlet, Batman jumps dimensions to meet up with Judge Dredd and bring him back to Gotham to take care of Judge Death, Mean Machine, and Scarecrow, cracking skulls along the way. Batman is even dubbed a “bit of a tough guy” by Dredd, which is a rare coronation by the judge, jury, and executing bad-ass. Batman and Judge Dredd’s first meeting, however, had none of that respect. In a brief misunderstanding, Dredd knocks Batman out with one shot upside his head with his daystick and takes him in for questioning with a Santa Claus list of offenses. Those charges are still pending should Batman ever return to Mega-City One. 4) Bat-Nipples The Batman film franchise has had many ups and downs as different actors have worn the cowl. Some say the directors had something to do with it. Others say that the actors defined the success or failure of a Batman sequel. However, it is much easier to see which Batman movies were good or bad by the presence or absence of one item in Batman’s costume: nipples. Nothing makes a male super-hero more prone to ridicule than a costume with something as visually obnoxious and implicitly useless as nipples, a trait that Joel Schumacher’s Batmen with Val Kilmer and George Clooney were guilty of. 5) The Dark Knight Returns…Again and Again After revolutionizing Marvel’s Daredevil but before launching such graphic novels as Sin City and 300, Frank Miller set his sights on Batman, and helped change the World’s Greatest Detective and his army of cartoon villains into the Dark Knight that we know today. Unfortunately, he tried to change Batman again, with less spectacular results. Like a fine wine, Batman got better with age in The Dark Knight Returns, but became sour and cranky later on when Miller launched The Dark Knight Strikes Again. Even the artwork had a worn feel to it, which was smoothed out in Miller’s next Batman title, All Star Batman and Robin the Boy Wonder. The attitude of Batman stayed on par with Miller’s own attitude towards his critical fans, however, as the tortured psyche of the Dark Knight was replaced by a Batman more in line with Zsasz and The Joker in murderous intent. 6) Kevin Smith When it comes to writing comic books, you would think that crazed fans would be the best at coming up with dialogue and storylines because they have the most vested in the hero. Add some knowledge about grammar and putting together a story, say, from writing directing movies, and you just may have a blockbuster on your hands. Unfortunately, Kevin Smith proved this theory to be false. In his takes(yes, multiple) on Batman, Smith brings his reflectively raunchy toilet humor to comics, literally, by having the Caped Crusader talk about peeing his pants, The Joker going off the wall with neurotically erotic behavior, and Zsasz running out of room for murder markers. If that isn’t enough, Smith throws in enough references to other comics to fill a WIZARD catalogue and reverts to the “fan-boy” banter that people love in his movies. The twist is that, instead of characters talking about comics in a movie, characters are talking about movies in a comic. That’s about as heady as it gets. 7) Scooby-Dooby Batman There have been a few rare moments that Batman needed help solving a problem or defeating a villain. When you’re clearing out murderous psychopaths like Bane one moment and fighting intergalactic warlords like Darkseid the next, it’s nice to have a helping hand. One of the more unlikely team-ups that are a far cry from Sherlock Holmes, however, was Batman and Robin combining forces with Scooby-Doo and the Mystery Van gang in The New Scooby-Doo Movies. The best thing about this team-up was that Fred almost got beat up by the Dynamic Duo. The worst thing of many bad things was we saw that Batman’s underwear matches the rest of his costume. 8) Kill Robin? Let’s Vote! The death of Jason Todd, the second sidekick to bear the mantle of Robin, was a comic book event that rocked the Batman legacy. It arguably affected Batman’s psyche and resolve against crime as much as the deaths of his parents, and affected fans even more so because the events were happening in the moment instead of as a flashback .Unfortunately, this dramatic event is tarnished by how it came about: voting. Batman fans hated Jason Todd so much that DC decided to let them decide if Jason Todd should live or die, and wrote the story around that decision instead of deciding for themselves that Jason Todd will die. All of that anguish, vengeance, and future storylines in the Batman legacy lose just a bit of legitimacy when you think about how Jason Todd could easily have lived and ruined everything. 9) Lazarus Pits I used to think that the worst plot device to use when telling a story was to say, at the end, “It was all just a dream.” That was until I learned about Lazarus Pits, a method of resurrection for Ra’s al Ghul and any other DC character that they decided should be brought back like a daytime soap opera. Lazarus Pits are chemical pools that heal those at the brink of death. Remember the dramatic evolution of Batman following the death of Jason Todd that we referenced above? Well, Jason Todd came back thanks to a Lazarus Pit, so Batman has a whole bunch of other issues to deal with. Usually the Lazarus Pits can only be used once, but Ra’s al Ghul’s daughter, Nyssa, has found the Contra code to allow for multiple resurrections. 10) Over-Updated Batman Batman has gone through quite a few minor costume changes over the years, but none has been as odd as the robotic suit that Jean-Paul Valley, aka Azrael, dressed up in when he took over the cowl after Bane broke Batman’s back in the Knightfall story arc. It was as if the writers decided to turn Batman’s trademark utility-belt and make it into a full costume, complete with uselessly angled shoulder-pads, leg-warmers, and a blank square where the Batman insignia should be. Oh, they included the utility-belt, in a way. They even added a utility-garter, which Azrael did not throw into a pool of single male vigilantes when he gave up the Batman mantle.
Lewis Wilson -- the first Batman

It only gets better from here…until it gets worse

Patrick Emmel has never been to Comic-Con because he would probably relive Jason Lee’s convention scene from Chasing Amy. You can see more of his work at www.theineptowl.com or heckle him on Twitter @Patrick_AE.

Patrick did what no villain before him ever accomplished when he rounded All the Batmen Ever up in one place and made them compete for the right to wear the mantle. –>

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