You search an image library for “Crazy,” you’re bound to find a few hipster Chihuahuas.
Amid his constantly running into glass walls and beating the ever-loving crap out of paparazzi who block him into a parking space with his car, it’s easy to forget that Justin Bieber is A) an incredibly popular pop singer and B) possessed of an insane fan base. They send Kim Kardashian death threats–and not for something she actually deserves to die for–they trample his mom, and run Twitter feeds dedicated to sexually assaulting him.
But how do Beliebers rank against other notably insane music fandoms? Let’s take a look!
Ears With Feet (Tori Amos fans)
Stealing a kiss? Thou varlet!
As much as it pains us to admit this, Tori Amos is actually a talented musician. Crazier than your worst ex-girlfriend, but a talented musician, and way different from the weepy hippie self-hating stereotype she’s generally saddled with. Plus, she’s a self-identified MILF, and likes screaming dirty words in the middle of piano ballads. We wish Norah Jones was so courteous to the world.
Her fans, on the other hand, are infamous on the Internet for two things: forming online lynch mobs whenever you criticize her music, and generally being the kind of weepy hippie self-hating stereotype that…well…everybody thinks Tori Amos is. But, the thing is, her biggest moment was in the early ’90s, so all her emotional teenage fans are now in their thirties, have jobs and kids, and try to pretend all those hideous tattoos they got in the mid-’90s are of Katy Perry or something. To give you an idea of how much has changed, Amos used to be alternative rock: now she’s adult contemporary.
Winner: Beliebers
Although once the Beliebers grow up, the music will still suck.
Juggalos
Still, it’s kind of hard to disrespect this much tenacity
As insane as Justin Bieber fans are, so far, nobody has had a Bieber-themed baby funeral.
The thing about Juggalos, though, is that by and large they’re really…well…pathetic. Taking a dump on the Insane Clown Posse is a deservedly popular pastime on the Internet, because they’re awful, and the acts they’ve collected on their record label are even worse.
Bride of Bieber
But your average Juggalo is a broke redneck with, at best, a high school education who is desperately trying to establish that he’s cool and edgy by the standards of his likely backwoods community, but doesn’t want to listen to actual rap either because some of it’s good or he’s got enough awareness to realize that acting like a gangsta when you’re not is even more pathetic than being a Juggalo.
Beliebers, on the other hand, are just mostly teenage girls who will stop listening to his music or finding him attractive once they grow up and realize that, hey, penises aren’t so scary.
Winner: Juggalos
Beliebers will eventually get over it. Juggalos will be drinking Faygo in their nursing homes.
The KISS Army
The Kiss Army annoys more people by 6 a.m. than most music armies do all day.
We’re torn, because on the one hand, the pretension that KISS was remotely badass was always ridiculous, no matter how hard they try to sell the Kiss Kasket. It was largely built on some Midwesterners in the ’70s being more emotionally backwards and stupid than Juggalos.
In reality, no band featuring a man in cat makeup that’s willing to license its image to midgets just to make a joke about having a “little KISS” can be taken seriously. Also, they recorded “Beth,” listened to it, and didn’t immediately burn the masters. Seriously, listen to “Beth” and tell us Bieber is somehow worse. We dare you.
It doesn’t help that Gene Simmons is a jerk, or that they have the most gold records of any rock band. Yeah, seriously.
But again: Bieber fans are nuts
On the other hand, it is extremely troubling that something that started as a fan club, and probably includes your dad as a member, is not only still around, but pushing merchandise and touring even as its members and their fanbase hit the AARP membership rolls. If the KISS Army ever decides to start buying weapons, we could have a real problem.
Winner: The KISS Army
Bieber will probably be either dead or broke five years from now. Gene Simmons will still be going, powered by pure greed.
Ani DiFranco Fans
She’s very good, if that’s your thing
We only mention them because somehow, despite releasing the same album every year for two decades, she still has fans. That’s some insane dedication, right there.
Winner: Ani DiFranco Fans
But we’ve got them as an underdog against the KISS Army.
After a year or so, they’ll trust you to make spaghetti by yourself
Dan Seitz is the creative director at GammaSquad and the gadget guy at Guyism.
Dan’s war on stupidity and insanity previously engaged Five Insulting Assumptions about Men Cooking. –>
