Reporting Dan Morgridge
Master of Beasts. That, gentlemen, is the title any good pet-owning male should be able to go by. But there is a chance that our current animals of choice are not quite total badass material. Sure, your dog is a good companion, but couldn’t you use something a little more badass around the house? Maybe something that would eat the neighbor’s poodle? We’re all in luck, because science has been preparing a batch of beasts worth summoning majestically with medallions.
I mean, we’re not going to say that this right here is a Leviathan jaw they’ve found, but damned if they didn’t name it that. And you know, the name gets some pretty big props in the Bible. In fact, could the weird reservoirs of oil and wax behind his giant ramming skull be used for…I don’t know, firebreathing? The Book of Job tell us “His snorting throws out flashes of light; his eyes are like the rays of dawn. Firebrands stream from his mouth; sparks of fire shoot out. Smoke pours from his nostrils as from a boiling pot over a fire of reeds. His breath sets coals ablaze, and flames dart from his mouth. Strength resides in his neck; dismay goes before him.” Also, if the bible is totally on the mark about this, he might be one of the seven princes of hell. Which pretty much blows that dude in accounting’s crappy aquarium right out of the water.
The Don of the crytozoological mafia. Television star. Snowmobile driver.What hasn’t this guy done? Taken over China! So despite the supposed Pacific Northwest roots of the beast, it looks like China might get their own big hairy fella first. Whatever — their army of Bigfeet will be nothing compared to the savory strength of our southern friend, the Skunk Ape. Because sure, you could just have a regular old bigfoot…or you could have one that smells terrible. No-brainer.
Tiny Purple Crab Aliens
Of course, we want more…
And since mere aquatic demigods and towering apemen can’t possibly hold our attention for that long, here’s our picks for what science should seek out/recreate in the future…
A lying, drunkard snake? This is a much better idea than Ted. And it’s supposedly able to perform spectacular jumps! Although after looking at regular snakes jumping, maybe “spectacular” is a slightly nicer way of phrasing “bowel-emptying”.
Vegetable Lamb of Tartary
Gardening suddenly becomes the most popular dude activity of all time thanks to you ability to grow gyros in your backyard. And finally you can claim that you’re vegan!
It’s named “whore spider.” It seduces you as a beautiful woman and then eats you. IS THERE NOTHING SACRED TO YOU, YOU DAMNED SPIDER BASTARDS.
What’s to fear in cryptozoology when there’s a very real threat from The Scariest Foods? –>