by Steve Stevenson

So you’ve decided to marry the woman/man/horse you love. Congratulations! You are about to publicly declare that you’re going to dedicate the rest of your days to putting somebody else’s interests above your own, and in many ways that is the most manly thing you can do. Kudos. Unfortunately, if you are an average western guy, the wedding is going to be anything but manly. After all, when it comes to organizing the ceremony the Bride is firmly in the driving seat, and as with most things driven by a woman, things will run smoothly, steadily and with very little chance of ramping off a turnpike and colliding with a speedboat.

I say thee nay.

With just a modicum of modification, you can change the most memorable day of your life into the most memorable day of everybody else’s.

THE RINGS

Procuring an ultra-rare power ring is a sign of your commitment

Traditionally you have a pretty basic choice of rings; you can either go for plain gold (for pirates) silver (for those who fear werewolves) or white-gold (for those who cannot decide between liking pirates or fearing werewolves). However, if you want to garb your marriage finger with something a little more epic, I recommend having somebody replicate Ming The Merciless’s Ring of Power.

Not only is it an elegant and subtle piece of jewelry, but it will remind people that you are to be feared and respected. To compliment your choice of wedding bling, you might want to have Brain May play the Wedding March on electric guitar. Better still- and if your budget allows for it- have a friend crash a rocket-ship into the venue.

THE VOWS

There is a trend these days toward writing your own vows, so people can make their tawdry promises without supplication to a higher force. This is weak and cowardly. If you really want to make the sheer power of your love felt by all (you do) then I suggest sticking to the traditional vows, but with the added pretext of “I swear by my father’s hammer…” and rounding off with “And Hades take the soul of any man who tries to stop me.”

This forceful, dramatic, and above all threatening modification to the time-tested wedding vows will not only prove a memorable moment for your betrothed, but also serve as a pointed warning to your enemies. (If you didn’t invite any enemies to your wedding, simply substitute with ‘enemies’ with ‘relatives’.)

THE SPEECHES

With the actual ceremony out of the way, now comes the traditional wedding dinner. It is customary at this time for the Groom’s Best Man to give a speech. The speech is, much to everybody’s amusement, largely derogatory of the Groom. Not on my watch, buster…

As the so called Best Man delivers his speech, sit calmly until he makes his first jibe against you. Then stand up and slap him in the face with your dueling glove. Now is the time to launch into the epic sword fight you and he have choreographed some months previous.

Man, you are just hitting all the “serial adventure films of the 1920s” marks here

The fight should last anywhere between five and seven minutes, but certainly no longer than nine (there’s still a big day ahead!) Remember to only overturn the tables of your less important relatives, and if there are any chandeliers or low hanging light fixtures, they should certainly be utilized for swinging purposes.

Remember: you are the Groom so it should be pre-arranged that you win the fight, leaving your Best Man with a nifty dueling scar and your guests with an after dinner speech they will remember for the rest of their days. Whether they want to or not.

THE FIRST DANCE

Slayer is seldom an appropriate wedding march. Metallica, however…

The trend at the time of writing is for the Bride and Groom to have some sort of comedy surprise dance routine prepared. Silence! You and your lovely wife are not clowns stumbling around for everybody’s amusement (unless yours is a clown wedding, in which case… clown wedding?) Your first dance should be a simple and elegant waltz-step, no flashy stuff, just a dignified, well-executed routine that shows the world how in-sync you are with the woman you’ve chosen to dedicate yourself too.

Also, it should be pointed out, that with little modification the waltz-step fits perfectly with Metallica’s “Enter Sandman”.

THE BAND

Choosing the band is one of the few parts of the wedding day that the Groom may get total control over. And so this is an excellent opportunity to re-form The Test Pilots of Sex (you can substitute TTPoS with whatever your own failed high-school band was called.)

Not only can you pay the band mostly in weed, but at the apex of their set you can take the stage and sing your classic love ballad, “Feel My Pectorals (I Just Had Them Waxed).” Best of all, because it is your wedding day, everybody pretty much has to applaud when you finish, which may be the last and only time this happens.

THE END OF THE NIGHT

Her happiness is important.

What can I say? You’ve declared your love through word, song and sword. You’ve shown the world that not only are you prepared to pledge your life to one woman, but that you might also come back as a ghost to love her further after death. You’ve won. You’ve won the weddings. Now its time to drink like a centaur and fall into the waiting arms of sweet oblivion.

And that night, as your new wife drags you to your marriage bed, and if you have truly chosen a woman who loves and cares for you as much as you love her, she will tuck you to bed and kiss your troubled brow. Then she too will sleep soundly. After all, she has the rest of your life to get even with you…

Steve Stevenson is a part time word-minion and full time inspiration to lesser beings. You can and should read his book. Come on, man, he’d read yours.