by Dan Morgridge

Once upon a time, back in those halycon days known as the aughts, Luke and Vince perfected the art of inviting themselves into the wedding–nature’s most perfect party. Drinks are flowing, happiness and thoughts of coupling are on steroids, and you might get to be one of the few options not related (or soon-to-be-related) to any of the attendees. Whether or not you’ve ever been bold enough to ever try it, it certainly seems plausible that one could pull it off–and maybe even score a night with a member of the bridal party.

But perspective is everything, and at some point, you’re going to be the one getting crashed. Maybe you’re the groom, maybe you’re the best man, maybe you’re just celebrating your bro — if some crashers come into the wedding you belong to, it is on. Because even if the bride is a machete-wielding badass who races motocross and can drink you under the table, it is Her Special Day. And you’ll be damned if some dumbass from the hotel lobby is going to add to the drink tab and hit on second-cousin Mort’s 18-year-old daughter. Here’s how to preserve the peace at the wedding–without resorting to violence.

Step One: Scout ‘Em Before You Out ‘Em

Lego JFK wouldn’t leave the bridal suite, but on the other hand, he did bring cake.

Your first step is: make sure these guys are actually crashers. If you’re the man of the hour, it’s pretty likely you’ll know everyone there, but if not, don’t jump to conclusions just because of their attire. Check in with the Best Man, groomsmen, family members–if neither family nor friends can ID the guy, you’ve got a target. But sometimes legitimate guests just don’t have any idea how to dress up for a wedding.

Step Two: I Think It’s Time You and I Had a Talk

Now comes the time when you have a polite talk with the crasher in question. Below is a sample of the kind of interaction you might have with the gentleman or gentlemen in question.

You: “Hey friend I haven’t been able to confirm you as a friend or relative of any living soul at this wedding. How do you do?”

Crasher: (stares you in the eye while tightening tie around forehead, mouthing refrain to terrible song the DJ is playing)

You: I’m not sure you belong here bud.

Crasher: (while ferociously staring at his invisible guitar) “BLAR BLAR WHEEE WHEEEDLELY WEEDLY WEEEOW”

You: “OK, it’s time to go.”

Crasher: Buddy! Pal! Amigoooooooooo….

At this point, hopefully you can place a hand firmly on the man’s shoulder and escort him out the door. The wise crasher will know his jig is up, and walk away a better man for having met the stern yet reasonable likes of a true gent like yourself.

Step Three: What to Do When the Creep Totally Does Not Learn His Lesson from that

Stock photos, like wedding crashers, always return at the end.

So he’s going to be back. Maybe in a group of people through the front again. Maybe through the bar. They’ll do whatever it takes. Your job at this point is to hammer home the fact that he’s not welcome. Perhaps he’s getting positive signals from one of the bridesmaids…or their mothers. Perhaps point them in the direction of a less interloping party guest, and then no one is actually welcoming them back to the dance floor. Or just tell the bartenders to cut him off–sobriety and crashing do not a partnership make.

Of course, let’s be honest here–you and your cousins/childhood best friends/college bros have been waiting for a chance to stand in an intimidating circle around a dude for your whole lives. Remember to have one guy pound his fist into his hand, another that can crack his neck, and everyone else blinks as little as possible. You are an intimidating mob! Practicing your slow-motion group walk is optional.

If you’ve never seen Three Dev Adem, you’ve never been high.

Dan Morgridge suggests that you try crashing a bouncer convention. You’ll probably fail, but if not–oh, MAN.

Bouncing a crasher is probably the closest you’ll ever get to becoming a Real Life Superhero. –>