by Patrick Braud

As you travel further into the future and away from your college years, it becomes less and less publicly acceptable to drink until your brain stops working and you start making out with the lamp. Your peers may describe these actions as “sad.” They may even say you “need help,” and depending on your actions post-lamp (say by allegedly using it as a weapon against the animals of a nearby farm), certain officials may describe your actions as “illegal” and/or “borderline psychotic.”

“WHEEEEEEEEEEEheeheehuhuh oh god what am I”

But for the clever-minded binge-drinker there are ways to reshape your image – which totally isn’t your fault anyway, and it’s not like, a big deal or nothin’, but society, man.  Take what looks to others as a downward spiral and turn it into what it really is – a happy fun slide that just happens to be in the shape of a descending spiral!

Try some of these techniques on for size and soon you too will be grabbing life by the shirt collar and yelling into its stupid face that big deal, you went to college, too before vomiting into its decorative plants.

The Shower Beer

The proper ingredients.

This is a sure fire way to get you started on a great night out with your buddies. But even if you’ve already managed to alienate everyone you’ve ever loved, it can make your weekly shower so much more interesting.

The steps and ingredients are simple: you just need to have access to a shower and a beer, and you need to slam that bastard while you’re cleaning yourself off. You’ll soon have a nice little buzz before you head out for the night, and unless you forget the part where you clean yourself (which honestly isn’t super important), you’ll smell good, too!

Up to the task? Bring a flask

“Woo, team building exercises! These wacky antics are still appreciated, right?”

Going out? Sneak this into bars and drink from it liberally while hiding in a dark corner or in a bathroom stall, rocking back and forth and shaking. The stronger the drink you put in here the better, as it will get you from Point A to Point Social Inhibition much faster and will succeed in either making you more fun and awesome or at least everyone around you more tolerable.

A flask works for more than just nights out on the town, though. They’re very easily stored in jacket pockets, and if you have a jacket with a ton of extra hidden pockets and zippers and all that razzmatazz then the obvious direction this is taking is to bring more flasks. Because hey, why not? Bring your drunk-jacket to work seminars, your nephew’s piano recital, and even places of worship! If you’re subtle enough, no one will know what’s going on until it’s too late – the party’s coming, and you are its harbinger.

Martini + Tux for optimal James Bond-age

The proper receptacle.

Ever wanted to feel like 007 himself? This one’s a fantastic go-to for impressing the ladies on a night out. If you have a tuxedo of your own, fantastic! If not, get a rental for the occasion but be wary that you might first want to take some time to train yourself in the delicate art of projectile vomiting into the proper receptacles (pick up a copy of my self-help book, “How To Vomit Into Decorative Plants,” now in paperback!) with no witnesses (this one we should discuss in private; no cops).

Anyway, simply put on your tux and head out for the night, but be sure to only order martinis in the classic shaken, not stirred format and always introduce yourself in the format: last name…first name, last name. They’ll totally get the joke and totally dig how awesome and fun you are. See if you can order as many drinks as there are Bond movies! Maybe you’ll even get a Bond girl to take home that evening, and maybe she’ll have eight pussies or whatever.

Battleshots

Have you ever thought, “Hey, Battleship is a great game, but I need to drink away the pain of that movie”?  Try the best of both worlds with Battleshots, a game set up exactly like Battleship, just replace your tiny plastic ships with rows of shot glasses. For those not in the know, each spot for a peg on the ship is a shot so it is recommended you go light and only do about 8 shots per side, rather than the 17 it would be if you actually substituted every single peg on each ship for a shot.

Achievement Unlocked!

Of course that is assuming that you lose terribly and have to take every single shot.  But I ask you, in a game like Battleshots, are you really aiming for the strategy? Are you really trying to win? Of course not, it’s Battleshots. You’re playing it because your sister said you owed it to your nephew to hang out with him because of the whole 3-flask-piano-recital thing, and of course you have to lose because he’s a kid or whatever. You’re just making it interesting. Unlock Life’s “Drunken Wreck” achievement and go all out on Battleshots.

Designate a time for your drink of choice

We’ve all heard “Beer o’clock” before, but why limit it to just one kind of drink? Beer o’clock is fine and all, but why not “fifth of vodka o’clock?” What about “bottle of wine to myself with this TV dinner o’clock?” For variety’s sake, pick different times on different days to designate for your drink. Just be sure to hide your calendar when company is over, as some of them may be squares who would question your decision to declare 3pm in the afternoon on a Wednesday to be tequila shot time. Then it will seem fun and spontaneous!

But who needs designated times, anyway? Time is just like, a human construct anyway. It doesn’t matter in the scheme of time or…or the universe when you start the party. Just do it when you feel like it, and if that’s most of your waking hours, then so be it! Just try to keep up the weekly shower, at least. I mean, good hygiene is important.

Pictured: You

Patrick Braud is a freelance writer, comedian and man-child living in Chicago. He is a comedy junkie and is particularly fond of stand-up and cartoons. He also enjoys a fine glass of brandy and hunting humans for sport. You can see the dumb comics he occasionally draws on his whiteboard on his Tumblr. You can also read short jokes and hear him complain on Twitter@fatfraud.

Patrick previously led you into temptation with his Guide to Playing Guitar (Like a Jerk). If you want some food to go with that depressed boozing, check out Recipes for the Lonely: How to Cook for One. –>