What does today’s B.A.N.G. have to do with a pepper company? They’re both jalapeño business.
How Do You Resist Using A “Zom-bees” Pun In This Heading? Seriously, You Can’t.
We’re not entirely sure what bees collectively did, but bees are facing fates worse than a hornet assault team. Colony Collapse Disorder from cell phones. New pesticides more than decimating their populations. And now…a bona fide genuine zombie outbreak. We can’t make this stuff up. And while bees in general are some of our least favorite creatures to see at a picnic, one does kind of want to preserve honey in the food chain and all that. Oh, and hope that the little parasites don’t suddenly figure out how to get into our brains. Not that these kind of things aren’t already happening…
You Don’t Even Want To Know What He Made Out Of A Cockroach
You should hope for your sake that you never have to compete for a woman with Kit Parker. Take, for example a scenario in which you encounter a rat in the home. You’d probably just kill the thing with a trap, or hire someone else to do it. Totally reasonable! But if you’re Kit Parker, you kill it, tear out its heart, and turn a former vermin into a beautiful jellyfish. But hey, no pressure or anything. Just saying, if you and the dude who sounds like Spider-Man’s devil-may-care brother are ever trying to hit on the same woman, just give up as soon as you remember this. Because when life gives Kit Parker lemons, he turns those into jellyfish as well.
Breathing Air Is So Last Year
It’s about time I finally got to stop all this pesky breathing through my lungs! Science has perfected injectable air, and I can finally complete a life goal: perfect my sustained jazz notes and break Kenny G’s record! (I know someone else holds the Guinness Record; I do not care. I only want to beat Kenny.) I mean, look how smug he is in that video! Listen to that annoying sniffing! I MUST DEFEAT HIM.
…THUNDERSTRUCK! Violence is going to be a thing of the past – the future of combat is trolling. Can you imagine what the VFW Halls of the future are going to be like?
“I remember one time in ’26, the Westboro Church replaced the audio on every major news channel with live chat from Call of Duty Multiplayer.”
“Why that’s nothing. In 2017, the Quatarians RickRolled Times Square for two weeks straight before we could take control of the screens again. By that point they’d brainwashed a small cult and we had to shoot everyone we saw in a trenchcoat for the next year. They were never gonna give up.”
Magnets Finally Allowed To Be Confusing To Juggalos
The possibilities of these new chemical bonds made inside magnetic fields are staggering. I’m sorry, were you thinking of something boring like liquid gold or a gel lighter than air? Because we can already do both of those on this planet. These things were made in a world of superstrong space magnets made of helium. Your head and six spare ones would explode before you could contemplate all the possibilities. Titanium Silly Putty. Sentient Neon. A cell phone battery that lasts for three days. Yes gentlemen, the possibilities of what we could do here make normal magnets look about as effective as a Faygo-drenched XXXL shirt stuck to a juggalo.
Dan Morgridge is seriously going to wipe the floor with Kenny G. MAN, THAT GUY!
Dan last gazed into the horrific, glassy eyes of animals turned into science projects with Meet the Robopets. –>