by Jason Iannone

No career lasts forever, especially in the celebrity world. Even the most famous people on the planet inevitably run out of steam, and go years without producing anything remotely decent. Many of those people quietly slip off into obscurity, living off the money they made when people actually cared about their work, and maybe appearing in a straight-to-DVD flick here and there, just to remind people that they’re alive, and not just footnotes on some random blog’s HEY REMEMBER THIS GUY AND THIS GUY’S COOL OLD STUFF article.

Not everybody goes gently into that good night, though. There are certain people who were, at one point, on top of the world. They are very much not anymore, but good luck telling them that. These are people so desperate to extend their fifteen minutes, that they will resort to just about anything to stay relevant. Naturally, their new ventures are a total embarrassment, and we just want to shake them violently and demand they get a regular-person job. It’d be less depressing, and maybe that way they can put their skill-set to actual use once again.

Hell, we’ll even help them! That’s right, this article isn’t just here to heap snark upon a bunch of burnouts. It’s also here to help said burnouts start a new life, one with more dignity, class and, quite possibly, more money. Humiliating yourself for $50 a pop doesn’t go as far as it used to, you know.

Ric Flair

Pictured: Symbolism

For the longest time, Ric Flair was one of the best, and most charismatic, pro wrestlers in the world. But he got old. Happens. Poor Ric has a bigger problem than age though: he never has any money. And we mean that quite literally; the poor guy is always near penniless, due to numerous debts, divorces, and that damn ol’ unfathomably large government sponsored collection agency that doesn’t take “go away” for an answer.

So he keeps working, rolling around in his underwear well into his sixties. His famous white pompadour has become but a wisp, and your average toddler has more muscle mass than he does. In addition, his uncanny ability to make the most monumentally stupid business decisions imaginable has resulted in bridges burnt with both the WWE and TNA. Now true, TNA is the pro wrestling equivalent of the kid in school who thought the capital of California was K, but at least they have TV. What is poor Mr. Flair to do now?

A Shagotov cocktail is just a Faygo bottle full of joint butts.

Get down with the clown, it seems. Yes, the legendary Ric Flair has been reduced to hype-man for the Insane Clown Posse at the 13^th Annual Gathering Of the Juggalos, during something called BloodyMania. Now that’s classy; it’s one thing when a wash-out like Dustin “Screech” Diamond shows up at the Gathering; he played a nerd in an 80’s sitcom and leaked his own sex tape. If anything, hanging with the floobs is an improvement.

But Flair? Unless some Mom books him to lose to her five-year-old daughter at her birthday party, this has to be absolute rock bottom. On the plus side, if the Whoop-Whoop Ninjas (don’t ask) treat him like they did Tila Tequila, and start chucking bottles at him, he can collect them and get a nickel apiece at the corner liquor store. Every little bit adds up. Plus we might get to see the greatest thing ever: an enraged Flair singlehandedly beating hundreds of Juggalos into unconsciousness.

RIC’S NEW JOB: SALES

If he still needs more cash after cashing in his hard-earned bottle money, might we suggest sales? He can sell anything he wants: cars, appliances, pets, anything. He’s Ric Flair, and he will yell and sweat and make himself bleed all the live long day, until you give in and buy something from him.

It’s a natural fit, aside from maybe his knack for elbow-dropping random objects when he gets overly excited. Usually it’s his suit jacket, which would be fine. But he’d need to be careful when working the customers at the local Target, who are likely a bit sensitive to the sight of an old man dropping elbows onto (and into) a 60” flatscreen. And the minute he drops one on the dogs at Petsmart? Say hello to a very angry Animal Control. You’ll wish you were back amongst the Juggalos, who can’t feel pain like humans do.

David Hasselhoff

It’s impossible to chart who is most shamed by this photo, but we’re guessing the final answer is “Society”

Oh, Hasselhoff. The man fails upwards and succeeds downwards. On the one hand, it’s almost unfair to knock on poor Hoff; after all, he’s hardly the only ’80s heartthrob to take a nosedive into obscurity the second he starts to get a little old and flabby. But not too many have fallen from grace in quite as embarrassing a manner.

Most everything he’s done in the past few years has existed not as art or entertainment, but merely to exploit how washed-up he is. Half the time he’s playing himself, such as in the 2011 vehicle Hop, which starred CGI bunnies. He plays himself as the host of a show called Hoff Knows Talent. Get it? Cause he basically has none and was on that one show…and…yeah.

We assume stuff like this is his attempt at Adam West-style self-parody, which fails because West is in on the joke, while you get the feeling Hoff reluctantly goes along with the joke because it beats drunkenly gnawing burgers on the bathroom floor.

His latest venture might well be his worst: shilling coffee. Yes, the mighty Hoff has been reduced to endorsing convenience store iced coffee. As the ad campaign puts it, the coffee is so good, they should call it Iced HOFFee. Get it? Cause…sigh.

He should thank his lucky stars that the neighborhood kids have decided it’d be hilarious to steal all the cardboard cut-outs of Hoff, because it’s gotten him back in the news. Just in time for the release of his latest blockbuster Keith Lemon: The Film, where he plays…himself. As the friend of a guy who becomes famous after sticking a lemon on the back of a phone. The comeback has begun! Must’ve been all that delicious hoffee.

HOFF’S NEW JOB: QUICKIE-MART CLERK

Once his new-found F-list status dries up, and he can’t even afford to buy a cup of hoffee anymore, there’s an extremely simple solution: work for the convenience store! Virtually every one of those places offer unlimited free coffee to their employees, so he wouldn’t have to restrict himself to Cumberland Farms, the company that paid him to shill their product. Though the jury’s still out on whether you can find hoffee anywhere else but there.

And this job is perfect for Hoff in another, very important, way: he can actually do it. Hoff is known for doing a lot of things badly and, even when really famous, playing second fiddle to people/cars/boobs more talented than he. But in many a convenience store, the need for bodies is more important than the need for skill. The crappiest of tiny bodegas will let just about anybody behind the counter, as long as they can smile and press buttons. Hoff can pull that off, most likely. And bear in mind, even the tiniest of crappy bodegas offer free coffee. Hoffee, if you’re lucky.

Tara Reid

Going by her Wikipedia entry, Tara Reid has been in more pretend marriages than a sitcom camera

Who? Oh right, the American Pie girl who wasn’t the hot foreign chick or the band camp hottie. She made that movie, partied a whole bunch, and recently had her first major role in forever…another American Pie flick. Next stop: more partying, we presume.

TARA’S NEW JOB: STRIPPER

We know, this sounds trite and obvious, but hear us out. After all, who else would hire her? Even Hasselhoff’s tiny bodega would conveniently lose her application. Her most profitable option is to strip paint from renovated homes. Known as a party girl — reportedly too much of a party girl — she’s perfectly conditioned to endure industrial-strength chemical fumes. After all, there are a million tumultuous blondes who can half-act in Hollywood, but withstanding the toxic clouds of a major paint stripping operation…now that’s a talent. So Tara, heed our advice: become a paint stripper.

Chyna

We just feel you could do a lot more if you applied yourself, Miss Laurer

On a list of five, Chyna is the second wrestler. And Hulk Hogan had best thank his lucky stars TNA still pays him, or else he and his Rent-A-Center commercials would easily make it on here. But for now, Chyna more than foots the bill.

This lady was on track to revolutionize women’s wrestling, and pretty much wrestling in general. She was the first woman to win a men’s WWE/F/G/H/I/J title. She had a book deal. She did TV and movies. She posed for Playboy, which is the mom-friendly version of what she has ultimately become. She was kind of on top of the world.

And then she kind of crashed super-hard, leaving the WWE around the same time her ex, Triple-H, got serious with the boss’s daughter. Bad breakups, man. We’ve all been there.

Not all of us turn to hardcore porn as a response though, which is exactly what Miss Laurer has done. Apparently realizing she could do so much more in the field of posing naked, she has launched a second career in the sex-on-camera world. Chyna will, and has, done it ALL: men, women, solo, group, vaginal, oral, anal, facials, the works. She’s done it dressed as She-Hulk, and with a group of guys all dolled up as famous wrestlers. The gist of most of her films is “everybody wants to have sex with Chyna.”  Here’s the problem: no, everybody doesn’t. And once the novelty of seeing the privates of somebody who sounds like Fran Drescher but looks like Carnie Wilson amplified wears off, what’s next?

This isn’t even funny anymore; we really hope you’re doing okay, Chyna

CHYNA’S NEW JOB: TEACHER

Realistically, she could do just about anything. She’s actually very well-educated and speaks at least three languages, and she was looking to join the FBI before the wrestling thing started. She could always go back to that, though most serious jobs tend to look down on you after you’ve been filmed doing it up the butt with multiple dudes in the same flick. Probably her best bet is to become a Spanish teacher in some quiet little Amish town that has never seen her on TV, and knows nothing of her current career. Of course, if they ever DO find out, she’ll get run out of town, and will have to find another job. But this piece only offers one career path per famous wash-out; if they screw it up, they’re on their own.

Kate Gosselin

A convincing facsimile, doctor, but your so-called “Attractive Mother of Eight” is nothing more than a vaudeville illusion using mirrors, strings, and a woman desperate for fame

Yep, she’s still alive. The mother of eight–who split from her husband, saw ratings for her reality show drop quicker than Wile E. Coyote once he left, and still found a way to pay for a head-to-toe makeover that would’ve made her hot if she was literally anybody else on the planet–is still desperately trying to remain a thing. This despite offering nothing to the world, aside from the ability to ingest large amounts of fertility drugs and stumble awkwardly to tepid samba music.

And we mean nothing. She’s never done movies. She’s never recorded an album. She’s never appeared on Celebrity Jeopardy to spread her knowledge of who exactly recorded “Stairway To Heaven.” She’s written books, but all three were about her and her children. Dancing With The Stars was truly the only thing she’s done that wasn’t centered around having eight kids, and she was awful at that.

Her ex-husband, Jon, had the same issue, that of being talentless and awful. To his credit, he did exactly what we’re suggesting people do in this article: he got himself a regular job, installing solar panels. Kate, on the other hand, wants no part of that. Since TV/movies/music/commercials/magazines want nothing to do with her, she’s resorting to the Internet, attempting to start a new career as a celebrity blogger. For a coupon site. COUPONS. And she manages to screw THAT up too, with half of her blogs seemingly about her and her life because she’s Kate Gosselin and therefore more interesting than you. The other half don’t even mention coupons until the end, where she directs us to some links at the bottom of the page and calls it a day. That’s like if this article was 2000 words about how awesome sausages are, and then just links you to some other website that makes fun of washed-up famous people.

KATE’S NEW JOB: QUEEN ANT

Reports are spinning that Kate is shopping around a new reality dating show, much like The Bachelorette.  Only this time, she’s the bachelorette. Because what guy isn’t lining up to date a woman with eight kids? Here’s an idea, Kate: instead of offering up what’s guaranteed to be yet another blotch on the soul of everybody who ever lived, why not get an anonymous job doing what you do best: making babies? You’re too old to be an egg donor, but surrogate mothers are always in high demand, so why not? The best workers, in any field, are the ones who can multitask and, since you apparently have the ability to carry untold amounts of infant at once, you’d shoot right to the top. You’d be more successful at this than if you tried to install solar panels, anyway.

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Jason Iannone is a humorist and editor for hire.  He can currently be found at Cracked and TopTenz, as well as the usual social media thises and thats.

This is not Man Cave’s first foray into, WTF, Celebrities? –>