by Richy Craven

Let’s be honest here. At some point in our lives we all wanted to be a super hero when we grew up (hell, for most of us that point is right now). However, as we grew older we slowly realized that, lacking any radioactive spider-bites or finding out that our real parents were from Krypton, any superhero in the real world would quickly end up in the ER to have a batarang removed from their lower intestine.

Still, apparently there are plenty of people out there who, when watching films like The Dark Knight Rises and The Avengers are sitting there thinking “I could do that!”

Yes, the Real Life Superhero community is a real–and hilarious–phenomenon where ordinary men and women put on costumes, take on codenames and attempt to fight crime. Sometimes, they do real good, like Thanatos, who delivers food and clean clothes to people on the street while providing a sympathetic ear. But sometimes they get in street fights, befuddle robberies, and blog about how “that mailbox is looking at me funny and the squirrels are judging me.”

You read that correctly. Although the desire to help the community–even at very good chance of bodily harm from criminals who aren’t joking around–is respectable if totally inadvisable, a great many of these folks aren’t battling anything that exists outside of their head. Here are five of the most oddball:

1. Foxfire

We’re probably not allowed to use their pictures, so here’s a fairy warrior princess from a stock photo catalog. You’re welcome.

Foxfire is a Michigan-based superhero whose goal is to protect her fellow citizens from supernatural threats. Which we’re guessing is kind of like vowing to protect the streets of Kansas against shark attacks: an admirable goal but largely unnecessary.

Her Myspace profile would make even Rorschach murmur, “Hurm. Girl is kooky.” (Also, if you ever wondered what kind of music a supernatural demon slayer listens to it’s apparently Jason Mraz and Incubus).

Her blog posts outline her fight against the dark forces who conspire against her at every turn by locking her out of her car one time and opening a rift to allow a manevolent pan-dimensional being called the Entity enter our plane of existence. Which seems a bit of an escalation to us but then again those otherworldly dark forces are notoriously unpredictable.

She closed the rift by the way. Just in case you wanted to know who to thank for the fact that you didn’t have your soul consumed by an ethereal creature of pure evil.

Costume

5/10: The mask is kind of intimidating but an orange bandana? Come on Foxfire! You know evil entities from another dimensions are intimidated by purple, not orange. Get your head in the game!

Effectiveness as a crimefighter

Well, we haven’t heard of anyone in Michigan being attacked by evil spirits so it seems like she’s doing a bang-up job.

2. The Eye

A lady changing her clothes! We’d better keep close watch for any peeping toms.

Now, in our experience, neighbourhood watch groups are either a) useless b) hilariously useless. All that usually comes from these groups is that the nosiest guy on the block gets an excuse to stare out his window with his night-vision binoculars.

Luckily for the citizens of Mountain View, California the nosiest guy in their block is costumed crimefighter known only as “The Eye“ and he considers night-vision binoculars to be a bit low-tech.

The Eye is a 53-year-old photojournalist who uses his photography skills in order to fight crime. Now, unless you’re Peter Parker, photography generally isn’t a useful tool in superheroics, but The Eye uses his skills for surveillance and evidence gathering.

Yes, The Eye gets sanity bonus points by merely observing crimes and handing over evidence to police but immediately loses them again for not realizing that this could be done without the aviator goggles and fedora.

The Eye designs most of his equipment himself and even sells some of it on his site. Unfortunately he believes that criminals are all terrified of bright lights and so most of them are just some variation of  a “Really, really bright flashlight.”

Costume

6/10: The Eye’s Green Hornet-style costume is pretty cool, in a retro 1950s way, but there’s a reason people don’t wear a shirt and tie in the gym; it’s not exactly combat gear. And we seriously hope that he’s got some sort of electric shocker in that tie otherwise the poor bastard’s going to get strangled in his first fight.

Effectiveness as a crimefighter

Mountain View must have a serious crime rate to warrant its own personal crimefighter but luckily The Eye’s Myspace page reveals that he has significant martial arts training. He’s a master of Northen Shaolin Praying Mantis kung fu, as well as developing his own styles of fighting.

Slightly disappointingly it turns out that school where he “mastered” these techniques was the local YMCA. Now we’re not saying that it’s impossible to become a master of Martial Arts at a YMCA all we’re saying is that it’s probably difficult to conquer the mysteries of the Orient between the Senior Cookery classes and kid’s swimming lessons.

3.  Terrifica

We much prefer Super-Girlfriend, who doesn’t judge us for wanting her. You’re WELCOME.

For about 7 years in on the New York party scene it wasn’t uncommon for inebriated socialites to stumble out of a bar and be confronted by woman dressed in a red leotard and golden metal bra. She was Terrifica, the protector of vulnerable, drunk women.

Terrifica would patrol the city and keep a look out for drunken women that she felt were being taken advantage of, sending them home in cabs rather than letting them go home with guys.

Terrifica spent 7 years awesomely rescuing drunken young girls from sleazy guys and sending them home in a cab. Although an interview that she did with ABC in 2002 may have revealed that her actions, at least in a few cases, weren’t so much “heroically saving helpless women from preying men” as it was “breaking up legitimate, non-daterapey hook-ups.”

Don’t take our word for it. Read the interview. Perhaps not surprisingly for someone who dresses up in a red vinyl cat suit on a nightly basis, Terrifica came across as a tad odd in places. She stated that part of the reason she dressed up as a superhero was to convince women that they didn’t need men to have worth (awesome and true) and then said “People are happiest when they’re alone. Living solitary lives.” (slightly less awesome and a somewhat cat lady-ish)

Yeah, Terrifica didn’t seem to be sold on the whole idea of relationships. Also, her feminine-empowerment speech was slightly derailed when she said

“I do this because women are weak. They are easily manipulated, and they need to be protected from themselves and most certainly from men and their ill intentions toward them.”

We like to imagine every one of their battles ended this way.

Awesomely, Terrifica has an arch-nemesis. A male socialite called (again, awesomely) Fantastico. Fantastico was a self-proclaimed player whose attempts at bringing home women were thwarted on numerous occasions by the Crimson Cockblocker.

She has since hung up the red high heels and cape but perhaps she’ll resurface someday, in order to protect drunk sorority girls from Fantastico. Till then, she leaves behind some pretty fine ambient music that she inspired.

Costume

8/10: Agree or disagree with her actions but you have to admit that she went all-in on her costume. We assume that the metal bra is there to deflect bullets or draw attention away from her flying fists of fury.

Effectiveness as a crimefighter

Whether you think she was a champion of vulnerable women everywhere or just a nutcase in a red catsuit you can’t argue with the fact that Terrifica helped dozens of drunken women get home safely.

4. Tothian

Since there are no pictures of a “Jedi Christian Superhero” anywhere, here’s a cute girl. Again: YOU’RE WELCOME.

We’ll be honest. We thought we were onto the real deal when we came across Tothian. What with his Marine reserve training, legitimate martial arts skills and a stylish, functional costume. They all seemed to point towards a RLSH who could actually stop crime without getting his ass kicked.

But unfortunately, when we dug a little deeper, warning bells started to go off. Firstly he listed his arch-nemesis as Osama Bin Laden (which we thought was slightly ambitious for a dude who wanders around Jersey in kneepads). Secondly was that he described himself as a “Jedi Christian” which is…actually pretty badass come to think of it (we’re totally thinking about bishops with lightsabers) but a tad odd all the same.

Then we found his blog and that, well, it turns out Tothian and Foxfire have a lot in common. In that they’re both supernatural warriors for good and also completely off the ledge in how they became one.

Tothian, apparently, can speak directly to God and is the avatar of the archangel Michael in spirit form which, we guess, must come in handy when he’s breaking up fights along the Jersey turnpike.

He can also foresee future events in his dreams and make contact with the other side but, really, all that’s just kind of icing on the whole “I am the archangel Michael” destiny cake.

Costume

7/10. Not garish or attention-seeking. Tothian’s crime fighting duds are subdued and functional. It’s actually quite impressive that the leader of the hosts of heaven dresses so modestly.

Effectiveness as a crimefighter

Tothian’s reported to have helped women make their way home at night and has broken up a few fights. Also his arch-nemesis was Osama Bin Laden and we all know what happened to that guy.

5. Angle Grinder Man

“Yeah, like, I used to be a superhero till I realized the real criminals are the governments, man.”

A city cries out for justice, its citizens are powerless against a tyrannical regime. One man will answer this call. One man will address the balance. He is…a maniac in a blue leotard that ^*(%ing hates wheel clamps.

Angle Grinder Man is a London-based superhero who aims to free the city’s residents from the shackles of wheel clamping.

When a Londoner gets their car clamped (for parking in the wrong place) they can call Angle Grinder Man who arrives in his trademark suit and cuts it off for them.

Why does he do it? Well according to the man himself:
My obsession with wheel-clamping is actually a rebellion against a much deeper malaise,” he said.

“Namely, the arrogant contempt that politicians hold for the people who put them into power, and whom they claim to represent.”

So, yeah. We’re sticking with “maniac.”

Costume

10/10: Spectacular. The golden angle grinder is a nice touch.

Effectiveness as a crimefighter

Well, considering that removing a wheel clamp is illegal, this guy probably spends more time in jail than criminals. Still, the massive angle grinder he’s toting is probably a fearsome weapon if he does happen to stumble upon some non-clamp related crime.

Your batmantics are so adorable!

Richy Craven is an Irish freelance writer and semi-professional idiot. You can check out more of his stuff over at Cracked, A Series of Terrible Decisions or keep up with his ongoing quest to find gainful employment on Twitter.

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