Stupid Yahoo! Answers IV: Vegan Cocaine Edition

by Luis Prada

It’s said that nothing is certain but death and taxes. I propose we add stupid questions asked on Yahoo! Answers to the list, as long after the world has ended and the remaining savage humans attempt to form a new civilized society, there will still be death, there will still be taxes, and someone will prop up a corkboard on a charred chair that random citizens will pin questions to; questions such as “Is it safe to poke the man-sized death scarabs?” and “The glowing water in my back yard looks tasty but is it safe to use in a beef soup?”

There will never be a shortage of people that haven’t a clue about anything. With this article series, we honor their empty, empty brains, but we also cherish and admire their thirst for knowledge, no matter how common sense that knowledge may seem.

Remember, folks –- one man’s common sense is another man’s mind-expanding discovery.

Black Boogers

yahoo4 charcoal Stupid Yahoo! Answers IV: Vegan Cocaine Edition

Short answer: No

In some cultures, charcoal-black boogers represent prosperity and luck. On the other hand, in some eastern European countries, having your nose filled with ebony mucus nuggets means your soul is impure and that God has forsaken you, leaving you in the fiery hands of the Beelzebub. But these are both myths. In truth, having charcoal black boogers means your nose is ripe for an intense pressing so that the charcoal snots may be converted into nose diamonds, a rare and precious item treasured by the global elite.

To convert your black nose goblins into priceless stones, all that is required is a nose full of demon snot (a South African slang term for black boogers) and a trusted friend that will sit on your face for anywhere between five to seven years. In that time, the pressure of your friend’s buttocks will fuse the boogers into a single sparkling diamond per nostril. You may lose your job in that time, but the money you’ll make off the nose diamonds will sell for big bucks at auction, and will more than make up for any lost funds.

Pinky Unswear

yahoo4 pinkyswear Stupid Yahoo! Answers IV: Vegan Cocaine Edition

Aye, ye may break a pinky swear upon the stone of sorrow, me dearie, but the price will be your very soul!

The trouble with pinky swears is there’s a lot more to them than a simple coiling of pinkies and a nonchalant tossing out of ultimately meaningless promises. Upon creating a swear forged on the eternal bond of twisted pink digits, your swear is logged into a book made of flayed flesh and malice owned by an ancient Sumerian god named Pinksu. People treat pinky swears lightly, thinking they’re just meaningless pacts made during precious moments between mortals. But further research reveals that each swear is forever bound to the ultimate fate of your soul. If, at any point, you break your oath in any minor way, you are forfeiting your soul to Pinksu.

There is, however, a way around it. Though, I must mention that, while there have been many mortals throughout the centuries that have attempted to undo their swears, all have failed, and now and forever burn in the sulfur pits of Ki-gal, the Sumerian underworld of pain and anguish, and home to the all-Ki-gal clam chowder cook off.

To undo your pinky swear, you must die of a stab to the heart while standing in the middle of a pentagram. Upon your death, your soul will be transported beyond time and space and will land directly in Ki-gal. Once there, you will do battle with Pinksu in a game of thumb war. It sounds easy, but while Pinksu may be the overseer of all things pink swears, people tend to forget that he has some pretty gnarly thumbs. If you defeat the thumb of Pinksu – an act none before you has done – you will be rewarded with your soul, unbound by the oath once forged in your mortal life.

Or you can just not follow through with the swear; Pinksu’s never been good with bookkeeping.

Orangutan Blood Stains

yahoo4 orangutan blood Stupid Yahoo! Answers IV: Vegan Cocaine Edition

This is why the art of the orangutan razorfight is vanishing from the modern bedroom

First, start by soaking the sheets in cold water for an hour or so to loosen the stain and to prevent settling. Secondly, set your washing machine to the “delicates” setting and add – and I know this sounds a bit weird – granulated meat tenderizer. When you add meat tenderizer to a steak, it breaks down the molecules in the meat, making it softer for chewing. The same applies to blood on your silk sheets. Just add about a tablespoon or two of the meat tenderizer into your wash. Lastly, add into your wash a diced orangutan heart. Always remember that when it comes to washing, like dissolves like.

After that, turn that machine on and wait. In no time your sheets will be stain free! And you’ll forever have your face in every illegal poacher database in the world. But you probably already were. How else would you have stained your sheets in the first place?

Vegan Cocaine

yahoo4 cokevegan Stupid Yahoo! Answers IV: Vegan Cocaine Edition

Depends: are we counting the bloodshed required to smuggle it into the country?

Yes, cocaine is considered vegan. Similarly, heroin is Atkins approved, ecstasy is okay for the South Beach diet, and for those that survive on a diet of mostly fast food, marijuana is not only approved by the likes of McDonalds and Taco Bell, but is actually recommended as a pre-meal flavor enhancer. Just as salt coaxes out more flavor from your favorite foods, so too does marijuana. In a way, using marijuana is like adding a light sprinkling of salt to your brain, and to all of life, really.

Law firm of Penis, Tallywhacker, and Johnson

yahoo4 legalsize Stupid Yahoo! Answers IV: Vegan Cocaine Edition

You can’t, but if we allowed this, it would raise an easy couple billion for the budget crisis

There is a rather arduous mountain of bureaucracy to climb when you want to change your penis size. After all, the moment you’re born on U.S. soil you’re given a social security number, your hand and finger prints are recorded, and your penis is slathered in ink and pressed to paper for the federal government’s official record of your existence. So in order to change your penis size you’ll have to fill out and sign reams of official documents, wait months and months for a response back, then you’ll have to undergo a series of invasive interviews in which you may be asked about your penis’ ethnic sexual preferences and your penis will have its background checked, as well as its foreskin.

But the real question here is, do you have it within you to change your penis size? This is a big commitment, after all. The process is a drawn out bureaucratic bore for a reason – do you really want to do this? Your penis is part of your identity. It’s a little you. If by the end of the entire process and all the paperwork and interviews you still want to increase or, in your very fortunate case, decrease your penis size, then you truly want your monster dong shortened. Recent statistics from the Federal Phallic Reassessment Bureau state that 47% of males that file for a penis size readjustment change their minds and cancel the processing of their paperwork after having given more thought to making such a drastic change. And a staggering 78% of males filing for penis size readjustment for the purposes of decreasing phallic stature eventually realize (usually after their second face-to-face interview, which is famously and cleverly conducted by case workers whose sex corresponds with the applicant’s sexual preference) that having a large penis is “pretty alright.”

idiot stockbyte thinkstock Stupid Yahoo! Answers IV: Vegan Cocaine Edition

This is what you’re doing to yourselves, America

Luis Prada’s work can be found on Cracked, FunnyCrave, The Smoking Jacket, and GuySpeed. If you visit his Tumblr page, The Devil Wears Me, he will give you a non-refundable virtual hug.

Luis has stared the monstrous stupidity of Yahoo! Answers in the eyes many times before. –>

More from Luis Prada

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