Reporting Dan Morgridge
Some of us were raised with the knowledge that every great warrior (or at least every wrestler we ever watched on television) has their own theme music. Every western gunslinger worth a slow pan, every group of badasses walking slow in a trailer, even the lifeguards of Baywatch had a theme. C’mon bud. Let’s take your swagger to the next level.
But of course, one does not simply walk into theme music. (Well…I mean they do, technically, but…nevermind). Before you pick something badass, or suave, or hauntingly epic with a side of noble kickassery (a personal favorite!) you must make sure you follow the one and only rule: be original. Morricone is a genius, but everyone knows that. And Quentin Tarantino beat you to “Battle Without Honor Or Humanity“. Don’t even think about Sabotage. Put O Fortuna down THIS INSTANT.
Now then. Let’s see what the right song is to match your swag. The three categories below will help you narrow down your field of badassery, and then we’ve listed three suggestions from each that are worth hiring personal boombox followers.
Category No.1: Contemporary Epic Epicness
Multipurpose-Race-Car-Saturday-Morning-Cartoon Insanity; just generally some awesome tunes.
Woodkid – Iron
Woodkid is just a Brooklyn kid with glasses who looks more likely to run a co-op than write an monster anthem. Indeed, most of his first EP is soft-voiced piano odes with titles like “Baltimore’s Fireflies”. But for one shining moment (and predictably, the moment that pretty much everyone noticed ) he released a song (and accompanying video) that could inspire the daintiest hipster to pick up a battle axe and go to war.
DJ Shadow – High Noon
Shadow’s been all over the map – his pioneering efforts in instrumental hip-hop have produced jazzy meditations, electro retro rock, and even some hyphy collaborations in his native Bay Area. But Josh Davis made this track when he was young and brash, and wasn’t ready to do anything but show off his chops with every exclamation point he could find in the record bin. We’d say he made a pretty convincing argument.
Take some math rockers, a legendary jazz musician’s son, and one of
metal’s the world’s most hardcore drummers, and you’ve got the basic formula for Battles. While the guys can get pretty odd at times, they also show that they can build an unholy monster of an opening track out of their combined musical madness – with Stanier’s Florida Wave drum-corps training giving it an unbreakable spine.
Category No. 2: Classic Rock
This category includes songs with so many guitar solos that they are coming out of every orfice you have, including ones you didn’t have before.
Led Zeppelin – Achilles Last Stand
Stairway, Schmairway. This is possibly Plant and Page’s most epic work (okay, Immigrant Song has a certain rumble and stomp to it, I suppose). But either due to the band’s rough relations at the time of it’s release, a lack of any other decent songs on the album, or the fact that they’re Led Freakin’ Zeppelin, this ten-minute rager gets buried in everyone’s memory. Fix that.
Some of Jimi’s earliest work was with the criminally forgotten Curtis Night. Later in his career, Jimi rejoined his former teacher to record a couple spare cuts, including this awesome cover of Ed Dante’s “Flashing”. For those who trend towards the the groovy and lean soul machine.
Alright, so this is slightly cheating, as it is basically a Morricone cover. But good god, do Janita Haan and the boys tear this thing up with class. The beat is so locked in that the guitarist’s name is Alan Shacklock. No, really.
Category No. 3: Advanced Badass
Do not try these tunes unless you’ve made the Dos Equis guy cry like a little girl, made up with him, and then made him buy you a beer from a different company.
Gunther – The Ding Dong Song
Subtlety is for chumps. Gunther knows the only way to get babes is to tell them about your ding dong.
Reh Dogg, on the other hand, is a man of emotions. Emotions that come upon you in the shower, forcing you to sing like an autotuned basset hound with brain damage.
This is quite simply, the worst song on earth. The devil himself would think it too cruel to play as he strode through God’s creations. Of course, you might be tackier than the devil. If you’re a man who fits this music, we horrifyingly and begrudgingly salute you — but for the love of proper chord structures, walk somewhere far, far away.
Dan Morgridge is a spiffy guy!
Dan last dipped his toe into your earphones (ew) with Five Rappers You Should Be Listening to. –>