Since the Dawn of Man, humanity has fought a never-ending battle against skidmarks and rashes. The weapons of combat ranged from water, rocks, and leaves, to whatever slow, furry animal was sitting too close to your hole in the ground.
Finally, Chinese inventors in the 6th century decided that those tools of butt-wiping were too complicated, too messy, and just too rough. They found a new way, a way that has evolved for over a thousand years but still goes by the same name: toilet paper.
On August 26th, we celebrate this marvel of hygienic engineering with National Toilet Paper Day! How, exactly, can we celebrate? Well, besides the obvious, which involves a lot of coffee, burritos, and warm milk, there are other ways to honor that great white roll, and make this random national holiday as memorable as Christmas!
Decorate Your Home
Sure, TPing a house can be classified as petty vandalism, but not when you do it yourself! Throw a couple of rolls up into the trees and bushes on your front lawn. Wrap your stairway banisters. Hang streams of toilet paper from the chandelier. Tape a load of those cardboard center rolls together and set it up in your living room, complete with toilet paper draper and white lights. It’s a holiday!
Some say the manly way to fix up a bleeding injury is to just wrap it in duct-tape. Sure, that will stop blood from leaking all over the floor, but what about when you have to rip it off? The cut just opens up again. Instead, wrap your bloody hole or stump with toilet paper. It’s softer, more comfortable, easier to manage, and, unlike duct-tape, is stockpiled in every home and business.
As with most important holidays, gifts must be exchanged, and National Toilet Paper Day should be no different. What the gift is really doesn’t matter. What does matter is that we celebrate the season with gift-wrapping. Man has wrapped emergency presents (when we wrap presents) with almost every paper product known. Last minute birthday? Grab the newspaper and some tape. Forgot to wrap a wedding gift? Who’s got a paper bag and some Saran wrap? National Toilet Paper Day’s holiday wrapping paper is just too obvious to mention. Just make sure to use fresh toilet paper.
Did You Get the Memo?
The holiday season for anal hygiene has its place in the office as well. Toilet paper is just paper, after all. Why not send out physical memos on toilet paper? Better yet (if you’re management, anyway), scribble out those memos from the lavatory. Draft your expense reports on toilet paper. Bathrooms in Las Vegas have phones right next to the toilet, so taking conference calls in the bathroom while preparing to celebrate National Toilet Paper Day the old fashioned way is not out of the question.
When it comes to holidays, one item separates the upper echelon from the “also-ran”: holiday programming. Luckily, National Toilet Paper Day is unofficially not sponsored by the true kindred spirit of American dads, Al Bundy from Married With Children (played by Ed O’Neill). In line with the philosophy of many religious holidays turned commercial, without a toilet, there could be no toilet paper. As Al showed us time and again, the toilet is a man’s refuge from life. It is the one place that no-one wants to bother you, so show your appreciation to the porcelain god by sitting on it for a few moments, just because you can.
As the saying goes, “Absence makes the heart grow fonder.” What better way to honor our fondness for toilet paper on National Toilet Paper Day than to go on a weekend wilderness camping trip, where you dig a hole in the ground and wipe yourself with leaves that hopefully aren’t poison sumac? It’s a perfect holiday trip, since it is also the end of summer, meaning one last hurrah until December.
Nothing celebrates useful inventions like actual use, so show your toilet paper you appreciate it by honoring it with a trip to #2. Leave your phone outside, grab a book, and lose yourself in the cool touch of the bowl for a while after a healthy meal of coffee, cold pizza, and prune juice. Only then will you be able to celebrate National Toilet Paper Day with the grace and tradition of your forefathers.
Find one more use for toilet paper with Patrick’s gallery of Otherworldly Women. –>