by Mark Chalifoux

It’s football season. If you can’t quite smell it in the air you can definitely hear in the sound of a million Tebow mentions all crying out simultaneously on ESPN’s airwaves. Before you know it we’ll have the wannabe global warming activists back to whining about concussions and Chris Berman back to ruining highlight packages.

And the start of football means it’s the start of gambling season. More money is wagered on football than every other sport combined (according to common sense) but there are a few Dos and Don’ts you should stick to before letting this season become your ruin.

I’m not a professional handicapper but I have been “that guy” who breaks just about every rule in sports gambling (my personal rock bottom came when I wagered $100 on the coin flip of an untelevised football game).

DO perform all your athletic feats in front of a badly painted mural of a crowd

DO stay away from anyone who would take action on the coin flip of an untelevised football game.

DON’T bet against your favorite team. Occasionally, people will make a wager against their favorite team so they can have a monetary consolation if their team loses. These are the absolute worst people in the world. They created polio, they convinced the world that Colin Farrell was a credible actor and they invented DVR so they can watch only commercials. If you know someone like this, report them to Homeland Security and hit on that guy’s wife mercilessly.

If you are this type of person, do the sports world a favor and just go back to counting cards at Church festivals to impress your friends.

DO bet against your friend’s favorite team if they are awful. I have a friend that hopelessly adores the Cleveland Browns. To illustrate how clueless he is, this is the same friend who is convinced Jessica Simpson will make a comeback as a pop star. As satisfying as it is to ridicule his hapless team, it’s even sweeter when he knows I’m making money off one of his childhood sweethearts (the Browns) being crushed on a weekly basis. If only there was a bookie who would let me parlay the Browns opponent with Jessica Simpson’s diminished fame, his heartache would build me a mansion.

DON’T join a fantasy football league if you’re a novitiate and the entry fee is $100 or more. For example, I know some women occasionally play fantasy football because they think men find that attractive but then they use their first round draft pick on Brett Favre. You’re better off burning that money because then you don’t have to pretend the guy who always creates mildly offensive team names is funny (“Mike Vick’s Dog Pound”? Hilarious, bro!).

DO bet on the SEC to win another National Championship. In a game between professionals and amateurs, always side with the professionals. And remember that sanctions seven years from now won’t affect the small fortune you make at the expense of Big 10 homers this season.

Carson Palmer: the only man to be named MVP of the other team

DON’T bet on the first pass of a football game. I once wagered more than $50 that Carson Palmer would complete his first pass in some meaningless game. This was before all Carson did was throw interceptions and mope on the sidelines but it was still a terrible move. You don’t want to ruin your NFL Sunday on the first play of a game.

DO bet on the national anthem. This is usually limited to a Super Bowl bet but it can be a very enjoyable wager amongst friends you’re attending a game with. And it has to stay a friendly bet because if you make even if you could get odds from a bookie or a sports book, you run into the same problem as the first pass of the game. And, if you think about it, a group of friends drinking beer and placing bets on the National Anthem at a football game is pretty much why our Forefathers wrote the Declaration of Independence.

Brandi Chastain knows the only appropriate response to victory is nudity

Mark Chalifoux is a comedian and writer based in NYC. He’s a regular contributor to ManCave Daily and can be reached at mark.chalifoux@gmail.com or on Twitter @markchalifoux.

Mark previously dispensed advice to the athletes themselves (and humanity at large) with his Rules for Using Twitter. –>