Of all the kinds of drafts I know of, football and beer rise to the top of my list (Gmail “Saved Email” drafts trailing frightfully close behind). Drafting a fantasy team is the sports equivalent of building your own six-pack at a beer distributor: You want variation but consistency; reliability but a little flavor; overall a huge win, but mostly a lot of satisfying fun along the way. I set out to pick a six pack and came back with the start of an Offensive Line you may or may not want at the tailgate party. Worst case scenario, you get drunk. Doesn’t seem so bad to me.
ELI “SHOCK TOP” MANNING (NY GIANTS, QB)
This Belgian-Style wheat ale is brewed with real fruit for an underlying sweetness passed down through generations and then enhanced with a hint of coriander to give it a comeback bite. The result is a smooth start with a spicy comeback towards the end of the sip; this brew has what it takes to last you through the season even if by November you think you’ve had enough. Real fans of this beer know it’s worth the wait for that refreshing finish.
RAY “DUVEL” RICE (BALTIMORE RAVENS, RB)
A perfect pair with about any dish in your playbook, Duvel’s dry but sweet flavor still packs a serious punch. Don’t be fooled by the short and stout glass that best suits a Duvel; built like a minifridge, the glass is a perfect body for such a powerful brew.
ROB “BUSCH LIGHT” GRONKOWSKI (NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS, TE)
What is there to say about a beer that does the minimum amount of work to get the job done? “Thank you.” That’s what. Sometimes you just have to brew out with your inner bro out.
KENNY “LAGUNITAS UNDERCOVER SHUTDOWN” BRITT (TENNESSEE TITANS, WR)
Lagunitas Undercover Shut Down ale is a majorly boozy beer, seemingly innocent until it headbutts you with hops and malt. Even the bottle preaches YOLO: “Do the crime, do the time, Get the bragging rights. WHATEVER….We’re still here!” DUI? More like PPR.
JUSTIN “DOGFISH HEAD 120-MINUTE IPA” BLACKMON (JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS, WR)
Intensely hoppy and sprite, plus you’ll get more than a hint of the grassy accents running all over your mouth as you try and drink this alcoholic wonder as fast as you can…hopefully not in the car with it’s 20% alcohol content rating.
MATT “RAGING BITCH” FORTE (CHICAGO BEARS, RB)
A name as blunt as Raging Bitch should be fair warning that you’ll get your dollar’s worth out of this beer…Sure it’s smooth and crisp when it hits your lips, but this bitch gets her revenge in the end. Just when you think you’ll get away with a short contract, this brew signs a longterm deal with your mouth. As Tyga probably meant, “raging bitch, running back.”
Drink up. This draft’s for you.
Rachel Roderman is a writer and comedian based in Los Angeles by way of NJ. She wrote the webisode Coco & Ruby and contributes to HelloGiggles.com, both of which are the exact opposite of this website. Follow her on Twitter @rachelroderman.