Reporting Luke McKinney
You’re an idiot, so buy our stuff! Would that work on you? It wouldn’t work on us, and we are idiots. But advertisers have decided that “guys” are a target demographic, and that that demographic is lower on the intelligence spectrum than their diaper commercials. But when your entire business is based on thinking that guys love shopping and being told what to do, you’re bound to make a few mistakes.
It’s important to note they’re not targeting men. You do that by building something useful and then telling people about it. That’s why the Old West had ads like “Farmer Joe’s Fertilizer. Available now.” They didn’t need a jingle, because the fact they hadn’t starved to death meant it worked. But if modern companies built useful things we need, they wouldn’t need modern advertising. Instead staff are hired to sit in a room full of vibrating dumbbells and musical toilet roll holders and find ways to make people want them. Unsurprisingly, their first conclusion is “People must be retarded.”
The latest entry is the Slim Jim “Steak and Rescue” squad, which is a shame, because so far in this sentence that idea is perfect. Unfortunately they filmed something so unmanly that the part where male actors sat around waiting for makeup backstage was the toughest part of the video. It would be a better ad if we were watching the mechanical separation of the chicken that went into their product, because at least that would train us for the upcoming Terminator battle.
The slogan is that the new snackfood contains everything a man needs, which is weird, because in the first ad they rescue a man from a beautiful woman. Especially since the Steak and Rescue squad looks like the Village People’s B-Team, and their scuba diver surfaces specifically to say that spending time with a girl is “Gross.” Estimated “guys” maturity level at age eight and dropping.
The desperate situation? Spending time on a lake with a beautiful woman.
Their target is bored on a boat in the middle of the lake with a beautiful blonde. This is not a man you should feel sorry for. If you’ve never chilled on a boat in a public body of water, it’s the closest you can come to telling the entire world to screw off without being screwed right back, and if you’re out there with your girlfriend even that’s not a strict condition. Even if you’re bored your options include:
- playing Swan with other boaters (it’s like Chicken but involves much more water)
- seeing how fast you can get the boat to go before tipping it on a turn
- listen, if you’re out in public with your lady friend with those big vision-concealing wings and need us to tell you what to do, you wouldn’t know how to do it
There’s nothing expensive to buy, nothing you have to pretend to like, and in an emergency the breaststroke will save you (either escape or entertainment). Instead Wimpy Paleface chooses “collapse and drown.” If that’s your problem-solving strategy you were only brought out on that boat as ballast. When faced with “getting laid” that guy jumped out of the gene pool and into a literal one. We don’t rescue him; that’s the closest there is to natural selection in a world where we have bags of processed meat parts to keep even the most incapable people alive.
I’m going to level with you: if you ever “save” me from time with a lady, I’ll snap into your Slim Jim so hard your dad will become impotent. And if you’re involved in this ad, he’ll know it was your fault. Their entire strategy is “cruising the park for unconscious guys and shoving meat in their mouths.” So we’ve taken a guy from a hassle-free romantic interlude with a sex to a boat of burly men pawing at him. Which can still be a lot of fun, and is clearly just what he needed. And it’s nice to see Slim Jims countering Chik-Fil-A by rescuing people from the closet.