by Patrick Braud

So now you want to go to a comedy show, huh? You want to show everyone there that hey, you’re funny, too! Forget that noise, you’re hilarious! You should be up on that stage, man! Not to worry, you semi-intoxicated future comedy star! With my handy guide on “How to Impress Strangers at Comedy Clubs and Get the Comedian to Admit That You’re the Best, Here’s an Hour Special and All The Money,” you’ll be hearing all of these things and more! Granted, some parts of the “more” aspect may be the haters telling you to shut up and let the guy with the microphone talk, but hey, genius isn’t always recognized on the first outing (or the several subsequent ones).

Step 1: Get drunk.

“Ahh yes, whiskey stones. You merely adopted the whiskey. I was born in it. Molded by it.”

Though this is the simplest step, it is probably the most important. Without the socially inhibiting effects of alcohol on your system, it will be a lot harder to let go of those nerves and anxieties and complete the next step: shouting out witticisms at people who are just trying to do their job.

So, are you drunk yet? Good! Collect yourself (especially your pants) and move on to step two!

“Hey, Mr. Funny Man! Still gold, right? We should work together!”

Step 2: Shout your jokes and replies to the comedian so he’ll recognize your genius.

You’re sitting at the comedy club, having a few more drinks and listening to the comedian tell his little jokes and something he says strikes you with inspiration! You could write it down and use it to build to something original later, but why waste the time? You’re all about getting what you want and getting it NOW. You’re a real go-getter like that! And the best way to do that is to promptly yell it towards the comedian’s general face direction. IMG – “Hey, Mr. Funny man, check this out! Still gold, right?”

This will be a clear case of game recognizing game. Maybe the comedian will take you under their wing or even be your best friend! Who knows, you could be partners in comedy some day! If they ignore you and move on, don’t worry; they probably thought it was funny. Just keep trying until you get them to notice you, because you learned by constant public shame in grade school (and by watching Jersey Shore) that all attention is good attention. Following this rule, if the comedian turns out to be a real meanie and starts yelling at you or making fun of you, still don’t sweat it! You’re now part of the act and thus part of comedy history. Forever. In fact…

Step 3: Should the comedian take a moment to acknowledge you, NEVER LET THAT MOMENT GO.

“Heya, kid. I may be an outdated fantasy, but I can sure see your face in a picture show.”

Take it and sprint with it. Run cross-country with it like Forrest Gump. You just got attention focused on you and you’ll be damned if you miss your big moment in the spotlight. You never know when some big fat producer in a suit and smoking a cigar is sitting in the back of the room. Should said magical producer be in attendance, there’s a very strong chance he’ll come up to you after the show and say, “Kid, I like your style,” and take you to Hollywood. Do you want to pass that up? Nope. You’re a man of opportunity and the magical producer and I like your style.

Step 4: Assess your hilarity with the people around you

Throughout the show, be sure to sweep the audience for a general feel of your personal brand of comedic stylings. A simple, “That was funny, right?” to the uncomfortable, but polite looking man next to you could be all that you need, but be sure to work the room so you don’t leave anyone unacquainted with the future comedy superstar.

“I’ve got your initiative – in my pants! It’s right here with my incredible subtlety.”

If you happen to see any large gatherings of womenfolk, be sure to toast them! They’re totally interested in the drunk shouting guy at a comedy club who is consistently interrupting the show they paid to see. That shows initiative, and there’s nothing women like more than initiative! At least, that’s what my ex said I had none of when she left, so I’ve vowed to display all the initiative I can possibly muster so she’ll know how wrong she was and move back in and we could restart our lives together and just go somewhere and not worry about life and stuff and man, it would be so real. But yeah, initiative. It rocks or whatever.

Step 5: Hilarious future superstar angle not working for you? Take the quick path to Internet notoriety – get offended and write about it on Tumblr.

You’ve been trying to work the crowd and the comedian all night to no avail. Tough break, kid. I’d tell you to try out some other venues or even just return to the same one a little drunker, but I can see that you’re ready for fame right now. Well, there’s a little ace in the hole for that, but it’s really a step of its own. Take another night to yourself and ignore the first four steps and head straight to this one for the fast track to Interweb fame.

Every now and then a comedian will say something that’s actually offensive to people that might warrant a, “Hey it’s probably not cool to say raping someone in the middle of a crowded club would be hilarious, even if the subject itself shouldn’t be taboo for comedy. That was a little too much.” But we’re not interested in that small-time stuff.

“Now you’ll think twice before telling me ‘please be quiet, people paid for this show’!”

Sometimes a comedian was just having a bad day or was really exhausted, but man were they a jerk when they didn’t want to hang around and talk with strangers for an hour and get high with them or accompany them to a local restaurant to continue hanging out with total strangers! They were also such meanies about when my friend and I were sitting in the front row and didn’t stop talking loudly the whole night and distracting the comedian and everyone around us from the show despite being asked several times to “Please quiet down”! I can’t believe that they would then resort to making jokes about us in an attempt to shut us up when apparently nothing else would work! This calls for a self-righteous Tumblr post!

Remember to ask for reblogs and for your readers to share your story of hardship with that nasty comedian with their friends, so that no one has to deal with that kind of behavior from someone whose job it is to talk into a microphone, whom we attempted to talk over because we were bored.

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“What’s that? You want to hear ‘Wonderwall’ again? Well I aim to please. Oh don’t worry ladies, there’s plenty to go around.”

Patrick is a writer and comedian living in Chicago and is not the type to demand apologies from random comedians on his Tumblr. He wouldn’t even tweet about it on his feed at Twitter @fatfraud.

Patrick gave more sage advice to world’s jerks when he taught them How To Play Guitar (Like a Jerk).