by Luis Prada

After a few nights of intense, terrifying research into the world of robotics, one thing has become abundantly clear: robot creators have very little contact with each other. You’d think these geniuses of the modern age would have some kind of forum board or a newsletter that lets them exchange ideas so they may one day fuse their creations into a single machine. But, instead, what we’ve got is a bunch of scientists rushing off to their respective corners of the globe, doing their work, and then releasing videos of their nightmarish creations, while all of the other scientists working on similar advances in robot tech ignore it.

It’s a real shame, too. If these scientists came together and combined all of their works into a single machine, they would create the most disturbing but also most lifelike sex doll ever created by Man. All of the pieces are there, waiting to be combined and forced into sex slavery against their wills. They even have a great foundation to build off of…

The Lifelike Robot Butt

The “SHIRI” robot, whose name sounds a lot like a mispronounciation of “Siri,” is a “buttocks humanoid robot that expresses various emotions with organic movement of the artificial muscles.” In other words, it’s an expressive human ass. Whether we want to admit it or not, we’ve all seen a ton of ass in our lifetimes, and none of us can recall seeing an ass that can be described as “expressive.” No one ever looked at an ass the same way they look at a really good actor. On the ass-to-actor scale, every ass in human history tops off at around Hayden Christensen. It’s just kind of stiff and wooden with occasional clenches of tension.

This is all to say that there was no need to create an artificial butt that can express emotions, but if you’re making The World’s Best Sex Doll, it’s a feature that it couldn’t hurt to include. And what emotions can SHIRI express? Why, such emotions as “Twitch” and “Protrusion,” according to the video above. If Angry is one step above Mad, is Protrusion one step below Full-on Penetration?

The way SHIRI expresses emotions is with a series of little airbags in its touch-sensitive cheeks that pressurize according to what you do to it. The robo-butt can even quiver in fear, in case your sexual fantasy involves threatening your lover by caressing their butt cheeks with a meat cleaver.

Gagging Robot

Orient Industry isn’t just a vaguely racist term your grandfather uses to describe the booming Asian economy, it’s also the name of a manufacturer of sex dolls – sex dolls so real using one is probably some kind of human rights offense for violating a coma patient.

Orient Industry is also responsible for creating a doll with one very creepy feature – it gags. But instead of using this feature in a sex doll, the logical usage, Orient Industry applied this tech to the world of dentistry.

If you poke your little mirror on a stick too far down the practice doll’s throat, it rears its head forward a bit and makes a noise that sounds like Pac-Man vomiting after eating all of those rich and fatty dots. It also moves its head and bats its eyes like a drugged cult member at the moment their mind cracks and they’ve seen “the truth.”

All of these features combine to form nearly the perfect head for the World’s Greatest Sex Doll. The only thing that’s missing is a little bit more functionality in the mouth to really sell the idea of artificial companionship.

Luckily, a solution has already been created…

Singing Mouth

…and it’s this f***ing nightmare.

This f***ing nightmare is such a f***ing nightmare that the title of the video is “Creepy Robot Mouth Video” – no science jargon or mention of the people working on it or the name of the experiment. Everything you need to know about this thing before watching the video is right there in the title.

1. It’s creepy
2. It’s a robot
3. It’s a creepy robot mouth
4. It’s a video of a creepy robot mouth

That kind of straight forward, no BS titling is why porn movies and sex toys are perennial hot sellers.

The mouth was created at Kagawa University in Japan, and it makes you feel like Helen Keller is being tortured in the next room by pushing air through artificial vocal chords and nasal cavities, and changing the pitch by puckering the mouth hole. If you’re not turned on after that sentence, your soul hasn’t decayed enough. Good job on that, by the way.

The gag reflex sound of the previous robot is nice, but it’s limited to one very specific and very graphic situation. The singing robot’s tormented robo-screams can be used in a variety of ways.

1. Screaming out of pleasure
2. Screaming for a bullet in the head to end the suffering
3. Screaming because it suddenly realizes there is no God and its own existence is proof enough

If you’re a regular user of sex dolls, isn’t screaming the feature you’ve been waiting for?

Hugging Robot

All of that robo-loving is great, but it’s nothing if you can’t have a snuggle with your cold, metal lover after you’ve spilled your love juices upon or within your inanimate soul mate; thus, the invention of the Sense-Roid, a vest that mimics the hand motions and pressure of a real hug.

When a user – say, your mom – hugs the vest, sensors record the hug data. When you wear the vest, a series of servos, doo-dads, and highly advanced newfangled woozy whatsits, replicates your mother’s loving hug directly on to your torso, conjuring up an erection that is bizarre for a variety of reasons.

If this technology could be integrated into the World’s Greatest Sex Doll, it would eliminate that pesky lowered sense of self-worth and crushing shame that usually follows ejaculating into 1^st generation android.

Even with a screaming mouth and a hug simulator, you still won’t be able to totally replicate the passion and companionship of a real sexual partner. But that’s not what potential customers are looking for, is it? If they wanted the real thing, they’d use the insane amount of money they clearly have because they’re using it to buy expensive sex toys to woo a real lady who doesn’t release exorcism screams when you make love to it and doesn’t have the doe-eyed innocence of a baby seal begging to be plowed.

Of course, there are consequences. Those consequences can be summed up in two words and two videos – Robot Babies:

Are you mature and reasonable enough to take care of a robo-abomination? To wipe its circuit board when it poops and feed it input when it’s hungry?

A picture of those two babies will be plastered on to the box of the World’s Greatest Sex Doll, kind of like a surgeon general’s warning on a pack of cigarettes.

Consider surgery to make you more telegenic, like having your soul removed

Luis Prada’s work can be found on Cracked, FunnyCrave, The Smoking Jacket, and GuySpeed. If you visit his Tumblr page, The Devil Wears Me, he will give you a non-refundable virtual hug. 

Speaking of robots, Luis indicted modern broadcasting with How to Be a Modern Cable News Journalist in 8 Easy Steps. –>